I hadn’t seen him but once briefly since the end of May, which I never documented here. We video chatted for quite a while, and it culminated with me heading to meet him at 4am… The urge to see one another apparently too strong to leave it with the video call. We had a steamy make out session in my car - but since then communication has been hit or miss, he messages me at random times about random things but I hadn’t seen him all summer… Until today. Good ol Friday the 13th, and a full harvest moon. Can you really blame us for what followed?
He messages me and tells me about a work trip he’s taking next week. He will be flying to another state and gone for 4 days. He’s going first class, gets to see a Weezer concert, has all of his accommodations paid for… It seems like a really cool experience and deep down I am really proud of him. I know how much he deals with and throughout it all he has continued to not only hold down, but advance at his job… And while I never had any doubt of his capabilities it still makes me proud to see his successes.
He invites me to come hang out with him and his friend for a while, and it made me stupidly happy to not only see him again, but to exist with him outside of our own bubble. Any time he introduces me to someone in his life, I feel… special. Like for that moment in time, I’m not a secret. Maybe it even feels a little bit like he’s showing me off, and I like to make my best impression. I hope I do. Those moments of normalcy are rare these days, but they mean something to me.
We stand around outside, smoking and talking and cracking up. I love seeing him interacting with someone other than me. He’s funny. Like, really funny. Witty and smart, a bit of a smartass, too. Always polite, considerate… He talks about being horrible at social communication but I find myself attracted to how sometimes he just knows the right thing to say. I wish I could show him off. I wish I could tell the world “this one’s mine” and pity everyone who isn’t with someone so fascinating.
These moments mean something different to me, I make the most of them because they’re all I really have.
His friend leaves after a while, and we stand under the street light, swaying and singing along softly to the music playing from inside my car. He plants kisses on my face and then holds it between his hands and tells me he loves me. He loves me and I can’t even speak, my mouth has forgotten how, and as my lips form the response - the only response that exists
- he stops it with a kiss. And I give it up… He knows.
We decide to go on a late-night adventure to the gas station for snacks. I am not exactly sure how we came upon this decision - when I’m around him I feel high. Any carefully crafted plans go out the window. Being with him is as natural as breathing, acting on instinct alone.
We grab snacks and drinks and when he decides on the gas station nacho chips and liquid cheese I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more, because it’s nothing I would have ever expected. I know him so well, but not the “mundane” everyday things like this, which actually makes it exciting… One of my other favorite memories of him was hitting up a gas station late at night, so maybe this is just our thing now.
We chatted up the employees before heading back towards his place, snacking on chips and singing along to my playlists… Some skewed version of heaven that I wished would never end. We parked to finish our snacks and soak up each others company for a while, and ended up… how else? tangled in each others arms, breathless and crazed. Not thinking of anything but us in that moment. taking no precautions, giving in to every whim - maybe some that should not be attempted in a car - and as fleeting as it is. I see a smile pass his lips and I wish that smile could stay but I know it won’t…
Because sooner than I realize what’s happening, he’s pushing me away and adjusting his clothes and saying he has to go, he saw someone outside, he had to go, goodbye. My head still spinning, tit hanging out of my dress awkwardly, underwear around my ankle. And he’s gone before I can adjust my top, before I can even come back down to reality.
All I can think of is that I forgot to check him for lipstick marks.
And in that moment I know that the fleeting moment has passed and reality is crashing and that is such a horrible thing to think. I am a horrible person. What just happened.
The heavy burden of reality crushes me, mixing with all the good feelings I just felt moments ago. Mingling with the memories of our innocent gas station adventures and confusing my brain and my heart and making me feel sick and guilty and worried for him.
I just wish our life could be everything before that moment. Hanging with his friends, cracking jokes, me being proud to show him off and be in his presence, him being proud to show me off to his friends, singing along to songs we both love, eating junk food, taking late-night drives.... kissing with abandon. Falling asleep together instead of driving home alone, smelling him all over me, still feeling him on my skin under the purple and red marks he left that won’t fade nearly as fast as his presence.
The way we left things – the way he left – i just hope he’s okay and that he doesn’t resent me. That’s all.
Last updated September 18, 2019