I think my long time readers are going to like this entry…..
So, after I wrote my last entry, I got back with the guy. I talked to a friend who said to me that I had completely closed the door on him. And I realized, she’s right. I’m so used to douchebags that I’m quick to write guys off. This whole “relationship” (situationship perhaps?) has been an eye opener. I’ve learned how to communicate. I’ve learned not to make snap judgments on things. It’s been hard, obviously. At times I’ll get a text and I instantly think its malicious. Once I call him, he tells me what he really meant. Spoiler, not malicious. For example, we were texting about going out jet skiing, and he said he’d pick me up at a launch in a nearby town. I said I don’t know where that is. he said, forget it. I took that as he was canceling plans on me and mad at me. Because that’s what ive been programmed to think. But, at this point, even though its my first reaction, I also know to get his side. he said forget it meaning he’d pick me up where we originally planned and then got a work call so couldn’t add the last part. I’m pretty sure those of you in real relationships are like ok, that’s not a big deal.. but for my relationship history? Working through this is huge. SO huge.
So, I called him. He told me he was upset I hung up on him, because he thinks hes a reasonable person and I should be willing to talk with him. He’s right. He is. and those were my past patterns creeping up. We talked, I got his side, he got my side. we made up. He came over that night and when we went to bed, he insisted on holding me. The nights leading up to our fight he rolled over and went to sleep. I absolutely hate cuddling when im sleeping, and although my sleep sucked that night, I loved it. it was the affection I was missing. 2 days later, we were talking on the phone and I made a comment that if he happened to be in my town (he rarely is) he should sleep over. He said “theres no chance ill be there” well guess who called me and came over? Not only did he come over, but he came with his tools (hes a contractor) and fixed my floors that ive been complaining about for years. Again, he insisted on cuddling.
But this story doesn’t end up with us together. In fact, at 530 this morning, I called him and broke up with him. We spent an hour on the phone. I said I needed more. I was sick last week and home alone with nothing to do but think, and I realized I needed more. Its not the first time I’ve vocalized this either. he blew me off Saturday (he blamed a miscommunication) and then Monday he didn’t ask how my important work meeting went. It was at that moment I knew I needed to end it. I have been busting my butt for over a year at my job trying to move up. On Monday, I led a meeting with the senior team on a topic that my knowledge is a bit hazy on. but I did it. granted, the senior team is very, very nice and I know them all very well, but it was still a big moment for me. I waited all day. He had texted quickly in the morning, but I didn’t respond. He texted an hour later (I think he knew I was upset with him) and asked if everything was ok. I said I was in a bad conference call. And no response. I expected a phone call last night. nothing. I did not sleep at all last night. I knew what I had to do.
So I did it. I texted him. I told him I cant do this anymore. I want someone who truly cares about me and someone who wants to make me feel special. He responded ok, I understand. So I called. At first he sent me to voicemail, but the 2nd time he answered. And we talked for an hour.
Bottom line, he doesn’t see me romantically. Not surprised, the sex has been lacking. I said that explains that, and he was like no, at first it was stress, but then.. yeah, probably. He said im not asking for too much and I deserve what im asking for, but he just cant give it to me. I asked if he thought it would ever change and he said no (I don’t know if that’s his true feeling, at first he said you cant tell how feelings will change but quickly learned what I needed to hear. Regardless I’m taking it at face value! ). He also gave me feedback. I gave him mixed signals. He also said that he could see through them, he knew they were defense mechanisms, but they were mixed nonetheless. He emphasized that theres nothing wrong with me and he thinks im a great person. We do have a great connection too. We get each other. I told him “you know what I hate about you?” he laughed and said oh god. And I told him I hate that we have such a connection. I said it kidding, because honestly I love it. and he knows that.
He seems convinced my feelings will change. He would be perfectly content to have our 2 sleepovers a week and someone to call when hes lonely. I’m sticking to my guns though. I have a shirt he left, one that he originally told me he needed back. I asked him if he wanted me to give it to our mutual friends, and he said just hang on to it. its clear he thinks this isnt the end of us as friends. And he’s probably right, but I need a lot of time. I am going to give the shirt to our friends though, what am I going to do with it the next month or so when im taking my time?
So long term readers… what do we think happens next? Clearly I beg for him to love me and cry to him and to anyone who will listen how unlovable I am and how I will die alone? Clearly I blow up his phone to the point he blocks me, right?
No. none of that.
While I do admit, I sent quite a few (ok maybe like 7ish?) texts after we got off the phone, it was mostly me thinking through things. (And some of those were “ok im done now im leaving u alone”). Like “remember the time we I grabbed you outside the bar, kissed you and got in my car and left? The romance was there at one point. Where did we go wrong” and then I did have my one psycho OMG what if you meet someone tomorrow and get married and then ill really feel unlovable (to which he responded whoa slow down lol. but that was as psycho as I got, lol). but those were all in the morning, literally all within half hour of our conversation. Oh and I also sent “remember at the pool this summer? I told you how this would end. I told you I’d want more and you wouldn’t” (I left out the part where I said and then ill blow up your phone and you’ll block my number because that parts not applicable haha). He didn’t respond to most. I didn’t expect him to. I was thinking out loud.
I did text him one last time this afternoon. I know hes in therapy. And I know hes really into figuring out his emotions. This summer there were a few times where he would tease me a bit too much. to the point where it would push me away. He even commented on it at the time saying he was trying to figure out why he was doing it and he thinks he was trying to test limits. It all clicked today. he was trying to push me away. He also told me when I was affectionate I was smothering him. After that is when the romance faded (the whole dynamic changed and I pulled back on even trying to be romantic with him). So, since it was something that we’ve talked about in the past, I sent one final text “the teasing/pushing me away makes a lot more sense now”. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t get one. It wasn’t for him to say anything to me, it was to get him to think about it. maybe on some level I want him to think wait, is there no romance because he shut that down?
I’m not scheming to get him back. I AM taking roughly a month away. I’ll pop up again around his bday to say happy birthday and see how I feel about a friendship at that point. That’s my goal of this, to see if we can have a friendship. Do I want more? Right now, yes, so we cant be friends. So ill check in again in a month and see if MY feelings have changed. He would absolutely welcome a friendly text from me. He made that clear.
I also want him to see life without me. He absolutely leaned on me for some of his emotional needs, like when he crashed his friends jet ski and was upset, he called me. (he even mentioned that today that he liked that he could go to me about that). Will a month apart change anything on his end? I don’t know. but my focus is on me and my end.
I feel like ive written some of these same things before just to flip out the next day, but I assure you… im not going to blow up his phone tomorrow. Am I going to miss him? Yes. Am I going to feel unlovable at times? Yes. But has this whole thing taught me a ton about relationships? Absolutely. I see dating in a whole new light. I’m less jaded. Im open to the idea of guys actually being nice.
This may have ended, but my future is bright. This opened up doors for me. Theres def a reason he came into my life. And its to show me that there are good people still out there. I’m excited to take these lessons with me in the future.