Two days of silence. The loudest silence.
My last entry ended with me sending him encouragement and love after he had texted me saying he wasn’t doing good, and alluding to dark thoughts. I fell asleep shortly after, but noticed all day yesterday that my message was “sent”. Not even “delivered” and certainly not “seen”. When I would periodically get another message, I’d see that my last to him still said “sent”. I don’t normally dwell on such things, but he had told me that he had planned to do something… but didn’t say what that something was. I couldn’t help but start to worry. I sent another message, asking him to just let me know he’s ok. Of course, it sat there like the others.
I was perusing Facebook trying to keep my mind off things, but saw it.... a post by a local news page. A hat and backpack were found discarded on the bridge. The one we had talked about. There was a water rescue. He uses a backpack. He wears hats. These are generic things that all of a sudden aren’t generic at all but specific to him. I look at the time the water rescue happened and it was near to the time he used to get off work… The time lots of people are out and about, but still. My heart hammers in my chest as I’m reading through the comments for updates. An hour later the page posts that units are clearing out, nothing found. And I can’t find a damn update after that, despite trying.
A restless night passes and I check my phone the next afternoon, noticing that the message status was the same. No activity. I refuse to check anything but the status of our sent messages, the last thing my avoidant personality ever does is stalk anyone online. Gives me too much anxiety. He knows this. We aren’t connected on social media so I don’t know what to do besides check the texts periodically and hope they at least get read. But nothing.
I have been having chest pains and such dark thoughts. I am trying not to manifest anything negative, but it’s so hard not to let your mind wander there when you care about someone. I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. Today was a blur. I think I found myself blathering on to a salesman at the weed dispensary about being ghosted. I am probably having a mental breakdown.
I sit down with the joints from the weed shop and smoke as much anxiety away as I can, while pumping myself up to check his social media. To do a little e-stalking. Hoping to see SOME sign of… life. I guess. Some sign of anything. It’s been quite a while since I clicked on his profile (though he often “likes” public posts of mine), but I did it. And the last public post was from over a month ago. Nothing to help me. There were also no public posts or tagged public posts, which I assume there would be if anything tragic had happened to him, if he was missing, or in trouble…
This all sounds very dramatic… and maybe it is. Half of me thinks he just hit “ignore messages” from me, and left it at that so he didn’t have to think about me or deal with me right now. Which is very unfair and upsets me. But the other half of me remembers all he has said and the way he made me feel the last time we talked, and takes it to that dramatic, dark point.
I click off his profile. Then I get a burst of bravery and boldness and mostly desperation and go back to his profile and click through his friends until I find the girl he’s been seeing. Ex? Girlfriend? Not sure. But I find her and I click. I immediately see a photo of them in the collection of related photos, but her profile picture was just her face and it’s the first time I have ever really looked at it. I don’t want to but I do. For a second I become a completely shallow person and start to compare us… Dissect her features to figure out what about her is better than me, to figure out which one of us is prettier, which one of us looks younger or has better hair…
I remember the reason I am there and scroll to her posts. Nothing public since two weeks ago, nothing related to him. Their relationship status is gone. There’s nothing to give me any clues, so I go back to his friends and find his mom. His mom posts a lot, and a lot publicly, so if there’s something to be seen, maybe it will be here… And again, I find nothing. I even check his ex from years ago… Nothing. Nothing is good news, I suppose.
If you can count “blocking me” good news. But in perspective, it’s better than the alternative. I want him here, even if we don’t talk. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to him. I couldn’t survive it. I honestly know I couldn’t. Despite the pain he’s put me through… The pain we have put each other through.
I scan the news and see nothing. There’s nothing else to be done but wait. I don’t think I could go knock on his door. I have attempted in the past to show up there and text from outside, but I don’t know who is there or what is going on and don’t dare show up there unannounced to cause any trouble. Some people would and honestly I admire their courage.
The only other thing I can think of doing is sending him a message elsewhere, or calling/emailing his work… but that’s somewhat forward too. My mind tells me to just sit here and do nothing and worry… but my heart wants me try something else. My anxiety will probably win and make me do nothing.
I haven’t been sleeping much. I feel like I am in a daze. I can’t believe it has all come to this. Being ignored, blocked, or left on this earth alone after all the years I’ve spent loving him and devoting myself to his comfort and whim. It’s almost unbelievable. But still, if blocking me makes him happy.... so be it. Just don’t.... fucking jump. Or be reckless or drink yourself into a fucking coma or crash your car… Just please be safe.
Last updated September 18, 2019