10:50 in spectrality

  • May 26, 2019, 11:15 a.m.
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  • Public

i write.

i’m ok. i started taking ballet classes, on a drop-in basis. that plus some exercises at home to strengthen my legs and feet.

also, i went to go see giselle the other weekend - paid just $15 for seats in the very last row and brought binoculars. i loved it! ballet always seemed stuffy and boring to me, but giselle had GHOSTS! ballet dancing ghosts! it was pretty neat.

i always wanted to take dance classes as a kid. i think i tried to ask my mom a few times but it just never worked out… not sure if we didn’t have the money for it and she let me down gently, or if i just never quite told her how much i wanted to. but it’s been fun to get back into it as an adult, now that i have money. i’d like to try some tap dance classes too, but those have been harder to work into my schedule. we’ll see.

i don’t know what i want to do, career wise. i mean ok i have a “good” (well-paying) job but at least this particular one is going to drive me crazy, so i’m sort of counting down until a respectable amount of time has passed and i can quit.

tech is a good field. i fell into it on a whim so the passion isn’t truly there, though. i don’t know what that means longer term… i’m not sure i want to switch out of it entirely… but i’m taking some other classes (accounting, statistics, programming?) to try and find out in the meantime.

with programming, i’ve now learned python (fall 2018) and C++ (spring 2019) and now this summer, i signed up for “game and simulation programming” teaching game-making basics using C#/XNA.

i have an idea forming for a game i want to make… and i think often about stardew valley and how one person made that game – just one! he did everything himself! it also took him 4 years, though....

but anyway. i have an idea forming. it would be simple like stardew valley. i would like to make the sort of game i would like to play, basically… (simple, friendly, pixel arty side-scrollers, featuring cute plants and animals… and maybe some grander but subtle lessons.....)

to be determined.

all of a sudden i have a lot going on with my teeth? i went in for my routine checkup in april and they noticed one of my front bottom teeth has some dodgy things going on at the root. went to see an endodontist, he did a more advanced scan and found what look like two masses. one is causing the root to be resorbed and he doesn’t even think it’s salvageable with a root canal, making it likely i’d have to get the whole thing taken out and replaced with
a fake… the other mass is on the other side of my jaw, not near any roots, so maybe that one won’t cause too much trouble. so now i gotta go get pathology on that to find out what it is. HOPEFULLY NOT CANCER!

i say that kind of jokingly, i’ve had a few different cancer scares by now and they’ve all turned out to be either benign tumors or just cysts (i have a lot of cysts for some reason)… so now when another mass is found it’s like ok, what is it this time.

i guess your 30’s are just like this, which is wearisome. feeling fine, maybe more tired than your 20’s, but “fine”… except random health stuff happens out of nowhere and you have to go get it all checked out and resolved (and maybe lose a tooth or two).

dono. i still, i just, don’t know. we’re good, we’re always good. we don’t fight. but sex is difficult (he wants it a lot, i don’t as much). and it’s making it hard for me to figure out if the path we’re on, to get married and buy a house, is the right one.

i hate thinking about it because he is such a good and gentle person and it’s hard to weigh my own needs/desires against the potential of hurting him.

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