head full of nothing and I'm wondering why in cavalcade of anger and fear

  • May 15, 2019, 2:38 p.m.
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I’m off for three fucking days in a row and it is nice out for the first time in my whole LIFE. after all this whining about how it’s only ever sunny out when I’m working I am now inexplicably choosing to spend some of my time indoors. guess what bitches I contain multitudes.

my new prep cook job (same restaurant, icymi) starts on wednesday which is also my birthday!!! and that sort of delights me. I’m moving to part time because my brain is falling apart and I need to spend more time taking drugs and having revelations. as one does.

I CANNOT be a line cook. it has destroyed me. it has done a lot of things, but mostly it has shown me yet more limits of what I can and cannot tolerate.

during busy times when I am doing literally fifteen things at once (“walking in order fire one turkey burger half gluten free bun half regular bun plate three steaks one mid rare two medium all three with allergies you should remember from 10 minutes ago have you dropped that cauliflower yet ricotta walking in we need a chicken on the fly”) I have been told.... to stay focused. which I am not sure how a normal person even does, let alone a no-attention-span bitch like me whose entire brain resets if you interrupt one of my thoughts. telling me to stay focused is like telling a fish to climb a goddamn tree. and really damn helpful. it just reminds me of how impossible it is for me to stay focused, and how much that annoys other people, and how they think they can just say a thing to me and I’ll get better, and I stare intently at the flat top so it makes sense that there’s tears in my eyes, and meanwhile seven other tickets have come in and some of your tickets are already at 10 minutes so now you have to fire off some gifts while also keeping your new tickets under 10 minutes wheeee.

yeah, so I have two more line cook shifts left and I am sure of how much I will suffer. I’m just going to say it, I’m BAD at being a line cook. I do not thrive under stress like all these 20-something guys do, I can’t move at lightning speed when my back feels half broken, I’m not willing to stick my whole arm in an empty but still flaming hot deep fryer to clean it, just, nope. I’ve suffered enough in life. I just hate that I still have this whole weekend ahead of me to pretend I’m okay with how much line cooking makes me suffer.

did I tell you how last week I cried (not even about work, mostly, but about suddenly talking about my cousin’s death with a coworker after an hours-long panic attack after which I had zero seconds to process any of it) while plating some food and a manager came and took me outside so I could cry in the sun and people have been a little gentler with me since then.

we’ve lost a LOT of people lately, GOOD people, the cooks are stretched incredibly thin and it is just not sustainable. they make us do these 10+ hour shifts where we work brunch/lunch service and then clean up while also setting up cold station while also working tickets and then you have to work dinner service and they tell you you’ll get to leave at 8 unless it’s busy and it’s almost always busy at 8 so you end up finding the end of the rope at the end of your rope. these murder shifts were only supposed to go until January, then February, then March, the ‘slow’ season, and we’re well into May with no end in sight. it’s abusive. it’s grueling. AND SOME TRULY PETTY SHIT WENT DOWN IN WHICH THE BAR MANAGER LITERALLY STOLE THE STRAW FROM MY DRINK WHEN I WAS AWAY IN A MEETING BUT THAT IS A STORY FOR A WHOLE OTHER DAY BECAUSE I AM D-O-N-E TALKING ABOUT WORK.

that’s not at all what I wanted this entry to be! so, in other news,

last night after some drinks and some complaining and some laughs and some people neither of us knew, david was lying with his head in my lap and he kept whining WHY DO YOU LIVE SO FAR AWAAAAyyyy (I literally live 2 miles away). it was cute. I’m really into David and I am also really into how into me he is? he’s really unabashed with the I miss yous/I’m thinking of yous/bringing me a bag of weed and an orange gatorade. definitely serves as a reminder to me that my wants/needs are not unreasonable or ridiculous, there’s just a lot of people who can’t fulfill them. so yeah, this almost-dealbreakerishly-too-young chubby longhair with way too much beard and no sense whatsoever of how to organize a kitchen or decorate a home… got me smitten.

one of my coworkers is an early-20s dude with the most nervous energy I’ve ever witnessed in a person, and he is hilarious, like every word that comes out of his mouth in any situation makes me burst out laughing, and everyone loves him, but everyone acknowledges that he has intense body odor. one time a girl told him ‘you smell good’ after he had not showered for 38 days, and they hooked up. IT’S SHIT LIKE THAT, WORLD, THAT’S THE SHIT I’M INTO. on a chemical level, finding each other attractive and being our disgusting amazing human selves and finding that hot and hilarious in each other, and doing what feels good for our bodies, like having a beard or binding our chest or showering or not showering and getting high and accidentally getting drunk and not having sex sometimes and calling them ‘supple man boobs’ and telling each other in detail about our bowel movements. his hair always smells clean and gorgeous even a week after being washed. maybe that’s just what this is supposed to be like. maybe people just smell good to you when you’re attracted to them on a chemical level, even if society at large thinks they might be a little gross.

have I told you, also, how my favorite thing about wearing contacts is having the ability to wear dumb cheap sunglasses? it is such a novelty and a joy. it’s like being a kid, but fun this time!

Last updated May 15, 2019

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