When you only have yourself to build you up in Random Ramblings

  • April 14, 2019, 9:38 p.m.
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My random ramblings book is just me writing about my non-foster care stuff. Its boring, you dont have to read it lol but if you do feel free to comment I enjoy reading them :)

Just did my entry about the latest foster care shit. Thought I’d write in this book about some other things happening right now. Maybe someone out there can relate you never know.

I love my Mother… but fuck its not the most uplifting relationship. She has a permanent chip on her shoulder, and is stuck in the past. She wont move on from the past, shes known to contact people from her past and then confront them with how much they hurt her and then get angry and more upset when they dont apologise or not interested in talking about it....shes even done this to a boyfriend she had as a teenager whos married now with kids. She’ll bring up people from the past over and over…she’ll be angry at someone and then not cut contact but keep at them at them at them and make herself more angry in the process…where im the opposite and if i dont like someone i will just remove them from my life to try and lesson the negativity…(if possible- sadly as a foster carer im stuck with a lot of idiots).

She has a chip on her shoulder because she wanted a child even though she didnt have a stable relationship with my father, and then had me didnt have anyone to help her out. She then in turn, gets bitter when anyone helps me out and calls me selfish If I want a break. I told her to stop comparing us its 2 different situations I didnt choose to have a baby I am volunteering to be a mother to a child in need for nothing in return, and you didnt have to deal with the foster carer system and child services I need a break. Ive always had issues for asking for help with anything because my mother would always call me selfish if i asked anyone for help, for anything throughout life or even relied on her for anything. It takes a hell of a serious situation for me to ask for help, so I struggle emotionally when she starts demonising me for it even though im an adult. I said to her once you do realise we dont have to have the exact same experiences in life right? like im allowed to have situations and experiences that are different to your own?! its almost like she sees us as the same person.

The issues with her run deep I cant list them all nor would I want to some are quite horrific. I actually all my life and even early adulthood had some bad political views- I kind of just “took on” her own views and thought they were right. I actually lost friends and some family due to these views and im very ashamed…its like I was a whole different person back then. She also told me after i got my head shaved for a cancer charity event that i was so proud of and spent years working up the courage to do- told me shes worried people with think were a lesbian couple and told me i shouldnt have done it and that it doesnt make much of a difference. Sunny and me had a wonderful shared first experience changing our hair for charity and when i showed her the photos she said “who chose sunny’s hair color? pink?! he looks like a girl”.

She absolutely hates that i’ve “changed sides” so -to-speak with my views. She doesnt like that im more free with my thinking and not as hateful as she can be at times. Im embarrassed that i took on her views…but as ive grown up around that i thought it was right. I have kept it hidden that i got flowers delivered to my local mosque and a card that said I just wanted to show my support to my community…havent told a soul. Also havent told Ive started a sponsor a child thing for a child overseas....sometimes i feel i have to kind of “protect” my ideas and things i like. My mother always made me feel that theres some kind of limit on the love you can give and if you give love to something....something bad will happen. Theres a lot of fear based stuff going on with her and she looks at everything in a very fearful way.

Her views are also something thats also sabotaged a lot of stuff all my life.. she’d get in my head and say that everyone was going to laugh at me for something.... or that something bad was going to happen if i did blah blah blah. She’d criticise me and laugh at me and say that others would think the same, etc. Kind of like a not as religious version of the mother from carrie (although i was never locked in a cupboard!). Not that extreme but there are some similarities lol.

Now that im older Im aware of the saying that people can only make us feel a certain way if we let them....but that doesnt make it easier. I can now be more aware when shes trying to take me down one of her negative rabbitholes....but it still hurts when shes in one of those moods where she wants to demonise me. I also have noticed she tends to “bait” people (for lack of a better word). Not just me…ive noticed shes done this to a few others she enjoys confrontation. A short eg would be if she knows im in a good mood she’ll say “remember when _____” and bring up a bad memory or a bad person. She also doesnt like when im looking forward to socialising with friends…she’ll try and sabotage it and refuse to babysit or just try and use fear tactics in general to talk bad about the event im excited about.

She also has the tendency to gas-light, and talk about things in the past that never happened and no matter what you say she will keep insisting that youre wrong and that it actually happened (the same affect of if you were righting with a red pen…someone coming up to you and say youre writing with a blue pen! you are!) etc. She’s done this with my sister too.... boyfriends…

At school I was the participater who would sit in the corner because I was scared senseless that everyone would laugh at me for something or be as critical of me as my mother was.

It wasnt until I could move out that i was able to not be scared of participating in things, and that actually most people dont care and probably wont even be looking at me or noticing me....mum has this belief that everyone is watching her and judging…and that rubbed off on me.

I commented on a lovely lady’s blog recently…and so I know there are others that have this where its like everything negative drops on you at once. As I was writing this…i got an email from the real estate of the house im renting (which im sure everyone knows if youre renting and something goes wrong with an appliance or anything in the house thats not from your own doing..the real estate/owner has to pay for it). Our oven stopped cooking properly and started smoking. I turned it off and let real estate know were just keeping it turned off as I hardly use it im more of a crock pot gal. Suddenly an electrician came to the house.....then he was rushing to leave and didnt comment that it wasnt cooking properly and asked about the rust and has it always been there…i said its an ancient oven and had rust before i moved in. He just told me to try and get the rust off and left. Real estate told me that i requested an electrician for an “emergency” and he said that i should clean it and theres nothing wrong with it so i have to pay the $90 invoice. I replied saying um no.....I emailed you and let you know it wasnt working, and that weve turned it off and left it turned off and asked for your opinion…i did not ask for an electrician to come out, especially not on an “emergency” basis. Keep it mind- I also sent them a photo of the oven !

I have had this feeling start to creep up on me that I need to do something nice for myself...... which ive never had before. I also had been keeping the time Sunny was at daycare for my mother because she would want to go out for lunch…I want to cancel that and now use the day for me doing something nice..but then i’ll get the onslaught of why arent you talking to me? why arent we doing tomorrow now? its like theres no end because id be so relieved to have Sunny at daycare (rare) and then id get stuck listening to mom’s negativity and if im trying to talk she’ll even interrupt me to get back to her and say things like woah....felt soooo weird in the head just now…wow feel weird…etc. I also feel guilty about spending any money on myself (also brought on from mom).

I always turn to animals in times like this… I already have 3 furry 4 legged cuties (spoiled rotten !) and as im renting i dont dare get any more! but ive been thinking about getting a pet fish as i find the water relaxing (i love water and plants). I might get another cute little plant too.

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