Another fight and I’m the one left feeling ashamed. I never do anything right. Its as simple as grabbing a dessert bar and not asking if he wanted one.. Which I admit, was selfish. Idk anymore, maybe I am doing everything wrong and am selfish.
The only way I can maybe explain why, not that its an excuse, is because I’ve dealt with so much alcoholism craziness, picking up after him and cleaning up after him(puke and piss and blood). Dealing with his psycho drunkenness and yelling at me for no real reason, telling me I am this ugly name and how horrible I am.. That I don’t care, when ive done all these things to show I do.
It breaks a person down to where they don’t give a shit, but they still love them and still hold on to some hope that it’ll get better. I still do care, its just I’m tired of being chewed up and spit out.
So now when he is trying to stop drugs and limit alcohol, I just cant find the strength to care as much as I once did. Every thing I “do” wrong, I automatically fight back at. I almost cant help be selfish anymore, because I’m tired of always putting myself on the backburner.
When he asks what sort of things I like to do..I tell him, I’d like to go on walks and it becomes this whole sarcastic shit where he puts down what I like to do. That I’m not doing it right. That if it was him, he’d want to be running.. And I’m basically stupid for wanting to go around the block(assuming thats the only place I like to go walk).
I don’t know how much longer this is going to last. He didn’t even say he loved me when he went to work today. He pissed off that I didn’t consider him when getting dessert. I admit I was wrong, but there is plenty I’ve done for him that sometimes no other woman would. I’ve dealt with his bullshit, which is probably a bad thing. I probably shouldve left a long time ago.
Idk whats going to come out of this fight this time, probably nothing.. I starting to really consider Option B. I’m tired of getting yelled at, even if it is my fault sometimes.
He’s said it himself we’re living on two different paths with two different goals and nothing that we’re doing is helping eachother.
Idk what he wants to do anymore. Now if I leave, he’s going to get better for the next person and I have to had just dealt with the bullshit.. Just like the last one. I’m tired of dating people with so many fucking problems. I might as well be single the rest of my life. I cant handle the fucking baggage that they themselves can’t handle and I get blamed for it somehow.
I honestly fantasize about being single and just living for myself. I should’ve just stayed single before all this.