Another fight in Spring 2019

  • March 25, 2019, 1:11 a.m.
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Another fight and I’m the one left feeling ashamed. I never do anything right. Its as simple as grabbing a dessert bar and not asking if he wanted one.. Which I admit, was selfish. Idk anymore, maybe I am doing everything wrong and am selfish.

The only way I can maybe explain why, not that its an excuse, is because I’ve dealt with so much alcoholism craziness, picking up after him and cleaning up after him(puke and piss and blood). Dealing with his psycho drunkenness and yelling at me for no real reason, telling me I am this ugly name and how horrible I am.. That I don’t care, when ive done all these things to show I do.

It breaks a person down to where they don’t give a shit, but they still love them and still hold on to some hope that it’ll get better. I still do care, its just I’m tired of being chewed up and spit out.

So now when he is trying to stop drugs and limit alcohol, I just cant find the strength to care as much as I once did. Every thing I “do” wrong, I automatically fight back at. I almost cant help be selfish anymore, because I’m tired of always putting myself on the backburner.

When he asks what sort of things I like to do..I tell him, I’d like to go on walks and it becomes this whole sarcastic shit where he puts down what I like to do. That I’m not doing it right. That if it was him, he’d want to be running.. And I’m basically stupid for wanting to go around the block(assuming thats the only place I like to go walk).

I don’t know how much longer this is going to last. He didn’t even say he loved me when he went to work today. He pissed off that I didn’t consider him when getting dessert. I admit I was wrong, but there is plenty I’ve done for him that sometimes no other woman would. I’ve dealt with his bullshit, which is probably a bad thing. I probably shouldve left a long time ago.

Idk whats going to come out of this fight this time, probably nothing.. I starting to really consider Option B. I’m tired of getting yelled at, even if it is my fault sometimes.

He’s said it himself we’re living on two different paths with two different goals and nothing that we’re doing is helping eachother.

Idk what he wants to do anymore. Now if I leave, he’s going to get better for the next person and I have to had just dealt with the bullshit.. Just like the last one. I’m tired of dating people with so many fucking problems. I might as well be single the rest of my life. I cant handle the fucking baggage that they themselves can’t handle and I get blamed for it somehow.

I honestly fantasize about being single and just living for myself. I should’ve just stayed single before all this.

Purple Dawn March 25, 2019

I hope you don't take offense to me saying this but it looks like you are in a bit of an abusive relationship. Take care and I wish you all the best.

MyDronedLife March 25, 2019

I agree with purple dawn. I've been there. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you to the point where you are saying you're wrong in not getting him some food. He can get off his lazy ass and get that for himself. Why the hell are you feeling guilty for that? You need to leave and asap. He's showing you he does not want you in any shape or form other than to be his emotional punching bag and slave. Most likely he's also cheating on you if not physical, emotional online. He will NEVER get better and the next female will deal with the same old bullshit you are dealing with now. Stop acting like this is all you can get. You can get better simply by leaving him in your past and giving yourself some peace. If you don't, he's going to start using fists to hurt. Not just his words.

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