Tired & Poor in Ramblings

  • Feb. 20, 2019, 1:56 p.m.
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  • Public

I’m so tired. I’m also so depressed. My OB/GYN with my first son kind of taught me about trying to decide whether my depression or feelings are situationally appropriate to decide whether or not I need medication to treat it, or something else. I think this is only useful in aiding me into talking myself OUT of getting help because life sucks and typically always does. My kid has 2 very different chronic illnesses, my husband is clueless, disabled, unemployed and on the spectrum, I work 3 jobs and looking for a 4th, I have a speech-delayed toddler, and I don’t live anywhere near any family whatsoever. So me feeling stressed, having chest pains, sleeping my life away every chance I get, and wanting to throw myself off a cliff? I mean, it sounds situationally appropriate. Please don’t get up in arms, I’m not going to kill myself. In fact, I’m going to go see my doctor and be put on some meds to get me through this particularly trying and emotionally exhaustive phase of my life.

I have joined a study at a nearby university/hospital. It’s testing the reaction of the body to weight loss. I need to lose weight. And I need money. So I joined this study. I go down to the big city every so often and stay all day and they test my blood sugar and poke and prod me and treat me like a pin cushion. It’s not super terrible honestly. I don’t mind IVs or giving blood. My whole family does these studies. All 5 of us have done some kind of study. My kids have done multiple! It’s like falling down a rabbit hole. Once you get into one study, you get recruited into others through word of mouth. It’s fun and I feel like my kids are learning from it. I intercepted the payments for my kids and we opened checking accounts for them. They each have $300-$600 in their accounts and have no idea. My son somewhat knows, he wants to use it on a computer but I have put him off because he recently got into trouble online. With my son having T1D and EOE, I feel that it is awesome that all 3 kids get tons of exposure to research. My son has cutting edge technology in his diabetes care. My daughters are both in TrialNet. They don’t get paid for this, but the benefit to them is that they are tested for 5 markers of type one diabetes every year through a blood test. They call or mail results within 6 weeks. I got both girls results a couple weeks ago… they are NEGATIVE. The blood test goes to help them develop a “cure.” They are hoping to one day be able to catch Type One Diabetes and stop it’s progression while about 80% of the beta cells in the pancreas are still in tact.

Anyway, I joined this study. I’ve been to about 4 appointments. Some of the tests they do are slightly uncomfortable. Tomorrow I go in and find out if I’m assigned to Weight Loss Drug 1, Weight Loss Drug 2, or a nutritionist with weekly appointments and accountability. With my luck I will get the latter.

I honestly don’t care at this point. Whatever.

I got really pissed off this morning. I work 3 jobs, and get paid weekly so the money trickles in and I pay bills and have little left for anything else. Like I have to dig change out of the couch for diapers. It makes it look like I can’t provide for our family even though I work my ass off. I have to constantly say no we can’t buy that until (enter payday here).

THEN.. my husband gets paid $1300 once in 2 months because the VA finally put his payment through and it’s like OHHH DADS A BALLA!!!! HES RICH!!! And he orders 2 new phones, expensive minis for his games and crap for his forge. He gives me a hard time because I want to get a 2-litre of off-brand diet soda.

I can live without my cell phone. So let’s see how he feels when I let that get cut off and his sock fancy subscription and FUNimation and Amazon prime and hulu and Netflix etc get cut off. If I could find a good coffee shop to work out of, I’d let the internet go too.

I had to cancel our Disney trip this summer which felt so crazy. It’s strange to really come to terms with how far we have fallen (again) financially. We can’t even take a family vacation. It will be the first year in a long time that we don’t. I just keep thinking things will get better but they clearly won’t. I know this sounds like first world problems, and it is. But I don’t want to live this way. People are allowed to expect a certain standard of living with their partner. You don’t get married and 8 years and 3 kids in, someone just stop working and decide they are going to be a bum and get fired from every job they have. We have cashed out all of our savings, retirement, etc. I know people are poor. Lots of people. But I had college savings for my kids, and a retirement. I actually kind of had my shit together until my husband lost his mind.

Just because he is basically given $1300 in one lump sum and does not work a fucking minute to get it, doesn’t mean he’s so much better than me but that’s how he acts because he has to make other people small so he feels bigger. He’s always been that way.

It makes me sad that he won’t just go get a part time job. Even 5 hours a week. It would literally save our marriage.
I’ve been really patient but the resentment I feel toward him is growing day by day…
I tell him. I don’t think he even knows it. Does he even actually hear me?

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