THE OFFICE IS CLOSED.
I HAD TO COME IN ANYWAY BECAUSE MY WORK INVOLVES PHYSICAL PAPERWORK TODAY.
This exact thing happened last year. The only snow day of the year was during the one week I absolutely can’t skip.
Big Brother is here. We’re alone, at least on our floor of the building. I’ve only seen two other people in passing.
I’m also getting sick. HAHAH.
Just can’t win this week, folks.
Also. I have two identical work backpacks at home for… reasons I don’t recall. And I grabbed the wrong one on my way out the door, so I don’t have anything with me, including my meds. Which, today would be a NICE DAY TO MEDICATE MYSELF INTO FOCUSING. But oh fucking well!!!!!!!!
Nah, it’s all fine. This is just… how this week tends to go for me. I just have to get through it, and then the hardest part of my job is over for the whole fucking year.
Since I started making positive changes and largely stopped drinking, I, uh. I don’t know. I feel very uninterested in seeing LP. I thought last week was an anomaly, but this is starting to feel like a continuing trend.
I don’t think it has anything to do with our relationship. I’m just feeling very withdrawn in general. I’m not as interested in physical contact, and I want to be alone in my head. I don’t know if he’s noticed yet, but yeah I’m not, like, initiating any cuddling or shit and I often find reasons to get up/move around whenever he starts leaning on me and stuff.
:/ :/ :/
I’m… very much hoping that it’s just a phase, and once I settle in and these new habits feel more like background noise, I’ll be able to engage with him more. It’s just hard right now.
Also we tend to settle in and watch dumb stuff together in my bedroom, and I haven’t touched the ‘flix in two weeks EXCEPT when I’m with him, and it just make me antsy for some reason.
He did make some bomb-ass chili yesterday tho and I wrecked way too much of it. Maybe I’ll keep him around just for the food.
My real concern is that I don’t really wanna have sex with him. And it’s not that my sex drive is dead. It’s just not… pointed in his direction, really. Like. The only sex available to me right now is the only sex that, for some reason, I can’t seem to find an interest in.
I still love him and find him attractive, I have no idea why this is happening.
On the plus(?) side, he doesn’t ever initiate sex so I don’t feel pressured or anything. But due to his lack of ever telling me if something is wrong, I’m also concerned that he’ll secretly resent me for not having sex with him, while still literally never initiating or implying any sexual interest or telling me there’s anything wrong.
And like I probably won’t know until a couple years down the road when things have flipped and I want more sex than he does, and suddenly he’ll be like “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN, REMEMBER JANUARY OF 2019 WHEN WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX FOR THREE WHOLE WEEKS AND I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT?!?!?!?!”
Actually yeah I guess maybe that could be part of the reason I’m not as engaged with him right now. I’m basically facing all my demons at once, and I’ve learned over the years to never mention any of my demons to him because they’ll definitely be used against me in a Court of LP Law, as soon as I do something he doesn’t like.
So like. I don’t know, man. In the past, I’ve made a conscious effort not to tell him shit for fear of that particular delayed response, of all our issues being blamed on my mental health and nothing else.
But this time I didn’t… make that choice at all? I just… HAVEN’T shared any of this with him?
He knows I’m running sometimes, knows I’m still tryna watch my carb intake. But he doesn’t know that I’ve all but eliminated about 2/3rds of the habits I’ve relied on since I was 21 and that it’s making my brain a jumbled mess. Bouncing between hyperconnectedness to the horrible feelings I’m having, and then a near-dissociation from reality because all of my grounding habits are gone and it doesn’t feel like my life anymore. Interspersed with periods of elation because it seems truly possible for me to change my life this time.
It must have occurred to me to tell him at some point? Like, it must have been at least a PARTIALLY conscious choice to not tell him. But at this point it doesn’t feel like it. It would seem weird to share this with him.
So yeah I guess I’m living about 70% of my life in my head when I’m with him. Which could definitely contribute to this.
Christ, imagine if I started dating right now, too. Then basically all of my life would be concealed from him, either out of respect or defensive habit.
It’s hard to feel like I should address this issue, though. Because I feel entirely neutral about it. This isn’t causing me any negative emotions, other than feeling slightly antsy on Sunday afternoons when we’re just lying around.
Like. I have y’all. I have Carolyn. Shit, even my coworkers know about some of this mental turmoil, and they get it. I have a support group. Do I really need to throw a grenade into my relationship by mentioning a potential problem that isn’t currently affecting me?
It needs to be addressed before we live together, probably. Because at that point it’s gonna get a lot weirder when I’m having bad weeks/months and I don’t even THINK to tell him why I’m being a surly shirley. But constantly want him out of my space and try to find excuses to be alone in our shared home…? Yeah I should probably address this in the next… 9 months.
Haha yeah I guess so.
Last updated February 04, 2019