and now I'm praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive in Public

  • Jan. 28, 2019, 4:07 p.m.
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  • Public


Work winter party. First time drinking since karaoke. Had 3 glasses of white wine over the course of like, 5 hours and felt fucked up. I was POUNDING water all night, but nope, no dice.

It’s not that I was DRUNK. I wasn’t slurring or stumbling, didn’t say anything embarrassing, I just felt… wrong. My body did not want the fucking booze, y’all. DID NOT WANT.

And the rare occasions I felt myself sliding into dumb-drunk territory, I was like… acutely aware of it? This happened the first time I drank on keto last year. It’s like only part of my brain is drunk, and the other part is like “wtf are you doing.” Which is kinda great because I simply stopped talking when I felt that way… But also, there is no point in drinking for me if it doesn’t make me MORE social, rather than less social.

It was fine, tho.

Anyone remember Russo?

Short backstory: I had a dream about Corey Stoll being my soul mate. LOL. Like actual soul mate, not even particularly romantic. Just… the person I was connected to for life. And it felt more real than any dream I’d ever had, like. I woke up missing this person who didn’t exist. (It wasn’t actually Corey Stoll, it was some made-up person who was, for lack of a better term, PLAYED BY Corey Stoll.)

Aaaaanyhoo, there’s a dude at work who looks vaguely like him so I developed a crush on him despite him being like, a foot shorter and not my type except that he smiles/laughs a lot.

I forgot about said crush, you know… years ago?

He’s friends with Big Brother tho, and he came out to my old boss’s going away party and I chatted with him a bit then. Nice guy! Like him!

He was at the work party, and he was clearly kinda drunk lol and ranting about… things.

He’s definitely one of those people who is not happy with his choice to be a Family Man in the
Suburbs. He’s also resentful that his wife doesn’t have a “real” job (she does some kinda brand thing on Insta) and that she drinks a bottle of wine a night (despite this conversation heavily being about how he also drinks every night and wonders if he should be concerned, lol) and like… Yeah, it was one of THOSE conversations.

YOU MIGHT KNOW WHAT I MEAN. The “married man justifies certain behaviors by ranting about family life in a certain way.”

Also, they have 3 kids. One is 7, the other are 3(?)-year-old twins. AND YOU THINK YOUR WIFE DOESN’T HAVE A “REAL” JOB? LOL SURE BUD. SUUUUURE.

It wasn’t an unpleasant convo, it was just not one I’m used to having anymore. Back when I was dating Ben, this was a frequent experience, as all of his friends were drunk bro’s who felt trapped by their suburban lives (and felt entitled enough to blame their wives for this, as though they had no hand in their choice to get married and have kids and buy minivans). This dude wasn’t going THAT far off the rails–there was no “lol women am i right, all they want is to steal your seed and your paycheck,” but it had a similar vibe.

And honestly it does not make me regret my choice to remain single as long as I have, haha. I feel like so many people just follow that path because they feel like they’re supposed to, and then they’re in their mid-thirties and nothing they do makes them happy.

It was also pretty immediately apparent that A CRUSH REVERSAL HAS OCCURRED. 95% SURE HE’S INTO ME NOW which also felt like part of why he was going on this rant?

NOT TO JUSTIFY TRYING TO CHEAT. More to just show the attractive woman that he’s not JUST a husband and father with a minivan. HE USED TO BE COOL. AND HEY, HE STILL PARTIES SOMETIMES. Etc.

I did realize I’ve developed the habit of touching people on the arm for emphasis tho and I also realized this likely came off as flirtatious since we were at a work party and we’re not that close.

Funny that it took me years to break down my barriers around physical touch with people I’m not dating. Like, even platonic hugs used to give me hella anxiety. And now I’m finally at the point where (after reading the room, and usually after asking someone if they’re okay with physical contact at all) I just casually touch people on the arm, BUT NOW I FEEL THE NEED TO SHUT THAT DOWN SINCE I THINK IT COMES OFF AS A LITTLE HORNY WITH MY MALE FRIENDS.

Yes, this is partly because everything women do is interpreted flirtatious if you happen to be interested in banging them, but a lot of it is that… well. That’s… I mean, isn’t that a flirting thing? To make up excuses to touch someone’s arm? Haha. I don’t know, I literally don’t even… know. What flirting is.

Anyhoo. Drank HELLA water, banged LP, and went to sleep. Felt pretty okay the next day! A little worn down, but not the massive keto hangover I had a couple months ago after a similar amount of alcohol.


Months ago, a coworker asked us all to do a onesie pub crawl with her.

I sent out the invites, everyone agreed to it, including 4 non-work friends.

All of them. ALL OF THEM canceled.


If EVERYONE had canceled, I would have been fucking thrilled. But with ONE PERSON still on the list, I still had to go, which was just like… UGH.

It was actually ideal, though, because Gundam doesn’t drink hardly at all. We hit wo bars and had two drinks total, along with some food. Had a chance to catch up, and I got to dress like a flying squirrel, so. WHY AM I COMPLAINING.

I did, however, have one of those nights where everywhere I went, I left something important behind. So running around collecting my shit wasn’t fun, but hey-o, THAT’S MY BRAIN FOR YA. I’m pretty used to it by now.

There’s a scene in a movie… Maybe Dumb and Dumber? Where he pours salt onto his eggs in a diner, but the lid is loose so it just pours infinity salt onto his eggs, and he doesn’t even flinch, he just starts scraping the extra salt off and continuing to eat.

YEP. THAT’S ME WITH LOSING SHIT. Like why even get upset anymore, it’s just… how my life goes.


LP came over. We went to lunch. I had a beer since I was already out of keto and it felt like a fuck-it kinda weekend.

I was honestly just not feeling it that day. Like. LP. Haha. Since I’ve been on this self-improvement train, I don’t really want to sit around and hang out, you know? I want to be doing stuff. Cooking. Laundry. Exercise. Making a new calendar.

We also got mildly stoned at some point and I tend to be antisocial while stoned anyway.

I cooked us dinner (made my own paneer!!!!!! Not the first time, but I’m constantly excited about making cheese, lol.) and he came in and I was like, you want me to put on something auditory while I cook…? And he was like nope I’m cool with just watching!

And he stood there and watched and I was like… just wishing he would leave the room so I could listen to a fucking podcast and not talk to anyone, OR he would entertain me in some way. I was just having one of those days.

He was also sleepy (with good reason–no backup bartender at work anymore) and every time I say down he’d lean his head on me and fall asleep and I was just like HA HA COOL I CAN’T MOVE.

And when I did move, he’d pretend he wasn’t asleep and act like he was ready to do stuff, then he’d lean his head on me again and fall asleep again OH MY GOD DUDE I AM FINE WITH YOU SLEEPING, JUST LET ME LEAVE.

This was all me, hahaha. ALL ME, y’all. Well, me and a little bit of his weird thing of pretending he’s not asleep.

When we’re watching something or listening to comedy, he’ll start doing this thing where he laughs after every sentence? Like not… laugh, but the tiny exhale you do when acknowledging something funny. But he starts doing it after every pause in dialogue, to signal he’s still listening/entirely awake. LIKE. DUDE. I KNOW YOU’RE FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE NO ONE MADE A JOKE AND YOU STILL DID THAT THING. JUST SLEEP, IT’S OKAY.

I bet he was always the first kid to fall asleep at slumber parties and he’s developed a complex around being The Sleepy Person.

He also tends to date women significantly younger than him, so maybe he’s just self-conscious about his age/need for more sleep than his early-twenties GFs.

Man, since we’ve been together for 3 years, and I’m approaching 30 now… I might be the oldest person he’s been with for any length of time?

That feels weird.

Anyway yeah. I’m hoping to take next weekend off from all humans. Especially since the week after that, I’m going to Olympia overnight for the most stressful part of my job, and resting up beforehand might make my life a lot more tolerable.

I didn’t run for 3 days, so I’m running tonight. The break def made my shins feel better but OH YEAH I DEFINITELY HAVE TO GO GET SOME ATHLETIC TAPE.


Oh, and I went to lunch with DF again and his friend who works in my building.

When she got up to get her food, he told me since he set up the lunch date, they’ve been flirting and considering dating, so they’ll probably be holding hands and stuff, and he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to make it awkward for me.

It was, though. Lol.

When I left it was clear they were kinda just waiting for me to leave already. I was crashing a date more than joining friends for lunch.

It was fine. She’s cool, I’d totally hang out with her solo. I just hate that third wheel vibe.

Then again, hanging with DF platonically is basically ALWAYS that feeling, since he’s always infatuated with one or more people and he doesn’t have much interest in people he can’t make out with. So any time spent with platonic friends is kind of a waste for him, I think.

Just a reminder of why we’re not dating, lol. (Other than the thing where I dumped him.)

Alright, folks. Off to the races.

Last updated January 28, 2019

girl in recession January 28, 2019

I'm glad you didnt get a nutso keto hangover, they really do make me want to stop drinking altogether. I dont think anything else in my life ever made me want to stop drinking altogether. I have those sad suburban life conversations whenever I go back to bf's home town, about once a year or so. His friends that still live there, all have kids, and they all act upset about it. I dont really get it...they chose this. They all have families and own houses and stuff...maybe its a "grass is always greener" thing or maybe some people will be upset regardless the life they choose...

Gilraent January 28, 2019

I decided not to have kids way before I found out I couldn't have them. I'm too selfish, and I admit it.

I've always been accused of being a flirt when I'm honestly not flirting. I tend to touch and arm, or whatnot when I'm talking partly from working in healthcare where human touch is important, and partly because I am my dads daughter and... well, we just come off as flirty.

Firebabe January 29, 2019


That made me laugh really hard for a really long time.

Serilen January 30, 2019

One of the only things I always respected my ex for (literally one of the only... I really should never have been with him, but aaanyway) was that he was totally self-aware about the issues that not-Corey seemed to be deflecting about. Ex would say stuff like "I do not want a stay-at-home wife because I don't think I can deal with the pressure of being the sole earner." Not that he was volunteering to be an at-home dad or anything, he wasn't exactly feminist, but at least he knew the issues he had were his own and not because a stay-at-home mom is "not working" or some BS like that. Like, hi not-Corey, it's not your wife's fault you don't like your obligations in the transaction you've developed. Complaining about them to your colleague instead of having a grown-up conversation with her is shit. Don't be a shit.

Sigh. MEN

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