I go hard in the mothafuckin PAINT. in Public

  • Jan. 24, 2019, 5:14 p.m.
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  • Public

Been thinking a lot about… well, I’ve been vaguely obsessing over every change I’ve made, but also thinking about… what that means? How people always tell you small changes over time is the only way to successfully create new habits, and it’s literally never ONCE worked for me.

I just wrote a bunch of shit but you know what? I’m tabling it for a video, I think.

Addictive personality still in full swing, of course. I can’t do something good for me unless I essentially become addicted to it.

My workout clothes are STILL WET FROM THE RAIN STORM THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY LOL so now I have to go buy a cheap running jacket because if I don’t put it on before I leave work, I will not run.

DID I MENTION THAT’S THE TRICK NOW? Instead of saying “I will put my workout clothes on as soon as I get home,” which gives me a 45-minute bus ride to convince myself it’s not worth it, I instead put them on BEFORE I LEAVE WORK so when I get home I’m already suited up and seriously jess? You’re gonna sit on your bed with your running gear on and get stoned? Do you have any idea how much of a turd you’ll feel like if you do that?

Today tho I definitely am gonna wrap my legs before I go. I’m feeling the beginning inklings of shin splints, which are my biggest fucking weakness and will put me out of commission for weeks if I let them get bad.

I have good shoes, I’m trying to land on the center of my foot, my strides aren’t too long (I don’t think? Tho I’m gonna pay attention to that tonight)… I just run on concrete and my shins are fuckers. And if toe lifts actually help prevent shin splints in the long term, I wouldn’t fuckin’ know yet because I just started doing them.

I’ve been running TOWARD the nearby park, but it’s about a mile and a half away, so by the time I get there I’m halfway done with my run and it’s time to go back. I need to start taking a bus to the park to run IN it, but when the sun is down before I’m even home, I can’t run in it because it is completely unlit and filled with tall trees. I will either fall on my ass in the dark, or get murderdeathkilled. (lol because west seattle is so dodgy???)

I’m wrappin’ those lower legs and hoping that allows me to continue running on concrete until it lightens up a little and I can squeeze in a park run after i get home.

Not even fucking around with “maybe I’ll run in the morning.” Nope. Mornings are still my kryptonite. I still can’t get more than 6 hours of sleep a night, and that’s WITH giving myself an extra fuckin’ 30-60 minutes of snooze time after my first alarm goes off. If I got up with time to get ready AND to run? I’d be on 4 hours of sleep a day, y’all.

Which, I can do. But that involves my been-asleep-for-only-4-hours brain making the choice to get out of bed, and that little fucker HATES ME AND WILL NEVER EVER DO THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO TRICK IT INTO GETTING UP.

I could install an app that forces me to do 30 situps to turn the alarm off, and the FUCK-O THAT IS ME BEFORE 10AM will still go back to bed, even just to lie there and not sleep, because FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME.

Anyway. I’m doing well. Haha.

I will say tho I AM SMOKING MORE THAN I USUALLY DO WHEN I’M SOBER. I’m having like 2 during the work day and one on the walk to the bus, then 1-2 when I get home. THAT’S 4 OR 5 A DAY, which is out of control for Not Drinking Jess.

The stimulants make me want them more, I think.

Plus weed makes me want one usually so that explains the one at night, haha. STILL A SUBSTANCE WHORE, NEVER FORGET.

We’ll see. Last time I ran for more than three weeks (A YEAR AGO LOL), I stopped wanting cigs cos my lungs were like “actually i enjoy being used for my actual purpose and am not feeling the whole smoke thing.” It’s not me CHOOSING not to smoke because it makes it harder to run (honestly it… doesn’t seem to, for some fucking reason?). My body just LITERALLY STOPS WANTING THEM.

God my body is so good. The fact that I developed such a sedentary lifestyle full of destructive habits is absurd to me since MY BODY CLEARLY IS NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE.

If I’d not been traumatized as a child, maybe I would have been a fucking gymnast.


Oh I lied. I offered to pull my (male, single) coworker/friend a tarot card to see if he’ll be over his cold by Friday, so I did and this was the text exchange that followed. (UGH I HATE IT SO MUCH THERE ARE SO MANY PUNS THAT IT MAKES MY INSIDES HURT)


I honestly don’t know anymore. My flirtometer is broken since that time I was dumped twice in two months, lol.

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Not that I fuck around with coworkers, I’m just curious if anyone else has a clear read on this.

girl in recession January 24, 2019

Since I stopped drinking I've been smoking bfs roll your owns more often. I'm like WHYYYY... I almost NEVER smoke normally, and here I am thinking about having one daily! 😩

One Angry Dwarf girl in recession ⋅ January 24, 2019

How weird! Yeah I tend to be a smokey mcgee when I drink but usually don't when I'm sober so I'm thrown off by this. It could just be me tryna replace all 4 bad habits with one comforting bad habit I still have, ha.

girl in recession One Angry Dwarf ⋅ January 24, 2019

Yeah I usually will have one if I've been out/having drinks, otherwise I never want any. Now my body is like GIMME SOMETHIN' lol...

hollow book January 24, 2019

Toe lifts do help.

One Angry Dwarf hollow book ⋅ January 24, 2019

Good to know! I'll keep it up, then.

Jigger January 24, 2019

I’m not sure it’s flirting, but it’s definitely appreciation, with some trust, and some definite like-mind stuff going on. Wait, is that what flirting is? Shit. Maybe it is flirting.

Firebabe January 25, 2019

It's flirting, but not of the sexual kind. It's MENTAL FLIRTATION, which is a rarer species, and, if not checked, can end up with you two writing either a wikipedia entry together, or co-hosting an hilariously drunk podcast. Choose wisely.

aglow January 25, 2019

"thank God you made a dick joke before that earnest embracing of the tarot."
Seriously, you are the BEST.

Fernweh January 29, 2019

I am LIVING for those puns.

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