I never write when I’m off work but I feel the need to remind myself of some stuff.
The mere act of like, NOT having 1-3 beers a night is making a huge difference in my energy levels during the day
So is going to bed at a normal fucking time (even though I’m still awake for a long time)
RUNNING FEELS SO GOOD
Also my body is so fucking good at building strength!! LIKE HONESTLY I MAKE PROGRESS SO QUICKLY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. I am 10000% aware that this will plateau and I’ll be mad at my body when it happens, but when I’m starting shit I swear my body adjusts faster than average, based on other people’s accounts of starting exercise
NOT DRINKING IS CHEAPER THAN DRINKING BY A LOT
So is cooking!!!! I def am not sticking with keto forever (gonna start reintroducing some foods next weekend) but it’s really nice to just like, have a clue what I’m eating when I get home. And then COOK IT AND EAT IT OMG EATING THINGS I’VE MADE IS ALWAYS MORE SATISFYING WHY DO I ALWAYS FUCKING FORGET THAT. (I don’t forget it!! I just can’t do it because I’m so tired from NOT SLEEPING AND DRINKING AND FAILING TO EXERCISE.)
I can absolutely live without Netflix
That last one is so fucking weird, y’all. I had zero intention of cutting back on my (rampant, truly destructive) television habit. It’s just that when I don’t grab a beer/sit down/order a pizza when I get home, and instead stay on my feet… The time just kinda slips away while I’m ACTUALLY DOING THINGS like cooking and cleaning my kitchen. I’m listening to a lot of fiction podcasts right now and it fulfills the same desire for escape while not COMPLETELY DESTROYING MY ABILITY TO DO THINGS.
After like 4 days of not turning on the ‘flix (or whatever shit I’m streaming that day), I realized I… accidentally stopped doing it? And I wasn’t having withdrawals like I expected? Honestly, y’all do not know how much of my life has been eaten by TV. It’s… embarrassing and absurd and depressing. I refuse to even do the math, y’all. Because it will kill me.
Not having TV to help me “wind down” at the end of the night is definitely fucking with my sleep. Carolyn has been suggesting some ASMR vids to me that I’m going to try the next time the insomnia strikes hard. Which will probably be tonight, since we woke up late AF, and I ran yesterday so I won’t be doing any cardio today to wear me out.
ALSO DUDE. I don’t know if it’s because I’m always post-stretching, or because I’m not drinking at all (oh I did have 4 drinks at karaoke on Friday and woke up with a massive hangover so yeah I won’t be doing the booze when I’m on strict keto anymore), or because I’m mmmmmaybe giving my body more nutrients, but I have been SHOCKINGLY un-sore after my last two runs.
Like. When I ran for 5 weeks last year, I was still USUALLY super sore the next day. And my first run this week was the same–sore the next day, and EVEN MORE SORE the day after that.
I even pushed myself more than I should have yesterday and was almost certain I was gonna fuck up my body and have to take 3 days off, but like. NOPE. I can feel that I did a thing but it’s SO MINIMAL.
My current goal–lofty as it is, considering I only started integrating these major changes 8 FUCKING DAYS AGO–is to be able to run a 5K by the time I go to Portland in mid-March (technically doable if I stay on the Couch to 5K program 100% strictly) and be able to run 10K by my birthday in mid-June.
DON’T HOLD ME TO ANY OF THIS SHIT LOL I’M OBVIOUSLY RIDING THE HIGH OF THE BEGINNING STAGES OF CHANGE, it literally never DOESN’T fall apart. But this time… idk. It feels like shit is stacking on top of other shit?
I’ve always struggled with change because it’s a whole tangled web. One thing affects every other thing, and I can’t fix one thing without fixing everything else at the same time, and that’s… fucking impossible, so I just don’t.
But this time… idk man, the stars aligned? Or maybe the deep self-loathing finally kick-started me in the right way?
It’s probably more the latter. But somehow… Half-heartedly trudging into positive changes out of necessity somehow feels more likely to be successful than my usual “burst of inspiration and energy” changes. Which seems insane?
Kinda like that whole “no one can love you till you love yourself” or “you can’t change until you believe you can change.”
I don’t really believe I can change. I just don’t have any other options left, so I’m giving it a go anyway. Not quite ready to give up on life entirely, so I guess I’ll do this instead. And oh look at that, I feel better, and maybe I’ll keep feeling better, and maybe I CAN change?
Weird that such a passionless start feels more stable to me than any of my inspired attempts.
That said, I’m still relying on weed to get me through this shit. The anxiety that comes from being alone with my sober brain, and the lack of sleep… It’s my saving grace right now. But y’all, let’s take it one (or three) bad habit(s) at a time, shall we? Once I get used to not drinking, not staying up till 2am, and consistently exercising, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE WEED THING.
It’s just that… my brain is still as broken as it ever was. I developed these coping mechanisms to hide from myself, and unsurprisingly, pulling back the veil is just as awful as I thought it would be. It’s all landmines and scorpions in there.
And if weed can keep me one layer away from that? Keep me a LITTLE bit safe from the darkness while I’m fighting my way out of all these other layers? I’ll allow it, y’all. I WILL ALLOW MYSELF THIS.
I also still smoke cigarettes. But that’s obv a lot less when I’m not drinking. Back to my typical 1-3 a day. I’ll burn that butt when I come to it.
K GONNA EAT A HALF DOSE OF A WEED AND DO LAUNDRY BYE
EDIT: I just had one more thought: it’s actually probably really good that SOD ghosted me. Cos dude is a heavy drinker and we absolutely would have enabled each other into a bad place. We even joked about it at the time.
If I was still infatuated with/seeing that dude right now, I never would have even STARTED trying to change. And if I had, I absolutely would have thrown it out the window the first time I saw him.
Never thought being inexplicably ditched by a years-long crush was gonna be a positive thing but HERE WE ARE.
Last updated January 21, 2019