this snowball's chances are fantastic in Public

  • Jan. 17, 2019, 1:56 p.m.
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  • Public

Had a whole thing about how the LP situation is INDEED similar to my stepmom’s thing, but not as bad by any stretch and doesn’t cause me anywhere near the same level of anxiety because he’s honestly VERY BAD AT MANIPULATION.

But it’s long and for another day. My focus right now is on keeping these positive changes rolling for more than a week, so I’m gonna write all that boring shit, largely for my own benefit.


CW: Diet stuff, depression, anxiety

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DAY UHHHH HARD-TO-SAY OF KETO. Either 8 or 5. I cheated on Saturday due to DRUNK but since then I haven’t cheated at all.

Well. I ate a piece of gum with sugar on Sunday lol. But you know, shut up and die.

WHY HAVE I PUT MYSELF IN A POSITION WHERE EATING A PIECE OF GUM IS A MAJOR DIET CHEAT.

I need it, though. I need the heavy restriction, I need the feeling that there is a very clear, scientific on/off switch, because then I KNOW something is happening in my body. I can’t just start eating lettuce for lunch and hope my body decides to eat some of my fat after a couple weeks of a slightly lowered calorie count. I JUST CAN’T. I WILL DIE IF I TRY TO HAVE THAT KIND OF PATIENCE.

Instead, I can drastically change my diet and usually within 36 hours I’m peeing on a stick that tells me YES, YOU ARE THE FAT BURNER NOW. YOUR FAT IS BEING BURNED AT THIS VERY MOMENT. THE PEE STICK HAS SPOKEN.

And if you eat A PIECE OF FUCKING SUGAR-FILLED GUM you will likely cease to be burning fat and you have to start all the way over for another 36 hours so DON’T FUCK IT UP NOW. KEEP THE COMBO GOING, DUDE, YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A HIGH SCORE.

Fuckin’ gamification. But hey, it works because that’s how our brains work, so there’s no reason to try to escape it.


I’m still not sleeping… great. I’m going to bed before/around midnight, but my mind still races for 1-2 hours before I fall asleep. This is not unusual. I pretty much can’t turn my brain off before 1 to 2AM.

But, it’s not bad. I’ve had insomnia MUCH worse. It’s just… irritating. And a little scary, to face this empty space for hours every night, feeling my thoughts spin out of control. Instead of Netflixing myself to exhaustion so I only spend 5 minutes worrying in the dark before I pass the fuck out.

I have avoidance behaviors for a reason. There are things I feel the deep compulsion to avoid, and some of them are hitting me now, between 11 and 1 AM, every night for the last 4. And let me tell you, THEY SEEM LIKE SOME PRETTY REASONABLE THINGS TO AVOID.

I just… Do I really want to do this for THE REST OF MY LIFE? Spend every waking moment trying to bounce from one distraction to the next so I can keep refusing to acknowledge the monster at the end of the book?

If not now, then when? When do I tackle this? “Tomorrow”? Yeah, let’s do THAT for another 30 years. If I even make it that long with all this shit weighing down my brain and body. No, this is starting now. It has to.


Having my coffee and clothes ready to go for the morning make an ABSURD difference. Even when I get an acceptable amount of sleep, my brain is a trash fire for the first two hours of my day, and picking an outfit takes four times longer than it does in the evening.

Trying to make coffee in the morning is HILARIOUS. Like. All I need to do is heat water, grind beans, put grounds in press, put water in press, wait 4 minutes, press it, pour it, drink it. (Butter coffee takes an extra couple steps but still.)

I will get distracted literally 5-10 times between every single step, EVERY SINGLE MORNING, to the point where this 10 minute task takes at LEAST a half hour.

AND THEN I FORGET IT ON MY WAY OUT THE DOOR HALF THE FUCKING TIME ANYWAY HAHAHA I AM GREAT AT LIVING.

I just need to accept that I CAN’T SKIP EVENING PREP. And that means no matter what state I’m in, no matter what my day was like, no matter how late I stayed out with friend, I CANNOT SIT THE FUCK DOWN IN MY HOME UNTIL I HAVE PREPPED MY MORNING.

NEVER. THIS IS THE HARD FUCKING LINE AND I WILL MOTHER FUCKING STICK TO IT.

(This doesn’t count for weekends yet, lol.)

K I really gotta go do my real job. The one I get paid for, not the far more challenging sisyphean nightmare job that is supposed self-improvement.

BYE.


I’ma start linking to the title lyrics more often. At least when it’s a song I actually love.

OH MAN I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS VIDEO IT’S PRETTY DANG COOL


Perpetually Plump January 17, 2019

My daughter has ADD, anxiety, and depression. For her entire life, I've been trying to help her learn how to self manage to cope with the ADD, but she has always fought me, acting like I was a terrible human for trying to get her to function in this world. She has yet to figure out the whole cause and effect thing, or there's an issue how do I solve it? For instance, she always forgets what her homework is and went assignments are due. Water tells you if you always forget something maybe you should write it down, I've been suggesting this to her for no less than five years, but she has always fought me. Finally, she has at least started writing down her homework, and it makes an amazing difference and that she's actually sort of doing it. She still not writing details that she needs, such as specific assignment problem or when it's due or page numbers, or anything like that. The reason I bring this up is because reading your entry reminds me of her inability to do what you're doing. You realize that you're struggling in the morning so if you just crap at night, it makes all the difference for you. I don't understand why she doesn't understand this skill or this necessity. It's really frustrating, but she met with a psychologist yesterday and he had a long talk with her about self management and learning how to govern yourself. So maybe she'll get on board soon. Who knows.

To force myself to not be distracted when I make coffee in the morning, it's the very first thing I do. When I wake up I have this crazy bad urge to pee, regardless of when the last time I peed it was. Needing to pee that badly keeps me super focused on getting the coffee made so that I can run to the bathroom and pee. Of course, this is probably also what has led to my latest round of antibiotic biotic resistant bacteria and my urinary tract...

girl in recession January 17, 2019

I get distracted in the morning because I'm just out of it/tired when I don't get enough sleep, so Ill have the French press sitting there for 10 minutes and Ill be on my computer and have no clue what time it is until its time to go and then im scrambling. I'm the worst at mornings even though I consider myself a morning person.

You can totally have a piece of gum on Keto man!!!! You just gotta stay under 20g carbs....that can be 20g of sugar if you really want it to be!!!

One Angry Dwarf girl in recession ⋅ January 17, 2019

STUPID FUCKING MORNINGS, MAN. I often convince myself I'm bad at mornings just cos I'm tired or hungover, but in reality it doesn't matter how well I sleep, shit just don't click until 10 or so. (Maybe it's my wildly unchecked caffeine addiction?)

I know you can technically have sugar gum, but (A) most shit says not get any of your carbs from straight-up sugar, especially the unnatural kinds, and (B) they also say breaking your habit of WANTING sugar is important too, so using that 20g on essentially candy is not a great choice, especially on day 3, haha.

Plus I usually come right up to that 20g line with my regular food, and I hate getting to 6pm and being like WELP I GUESS I CAN ONLY EAT MEAT AND SPOONFULS OF LARD FOR DINNER UNLESS I WANT TO GO OVER MY CARBS LOL.

I've noticed my body has a lot more flexibility after the first week. I tend to stay in keto even if I eat more than 20gs, probably up to something like 50. So I'll definitely give myself more wiggle room later in the game. (Eventually aiming for a more Atkins-style low carb diet after this, because it's way more sustainable for me I think.)

girl in recession One Angry Dwarf ⋅ January 17, 2019

YES I completely agree - for the first week or two its def good to cut out refined carbs altogether. I haven't been able to do that for a while, and I think its because im not strict enough when I start.

I have been realizing that my body doesn't mind if I eat some carbs in the morning, it just doesn't like them at night. I'm trying this weird eating schedule thing where I don't eat anything after 6pm.

One Angry Dwarf girl in recession ⋅ January 17, 2019

Hmmmm. I eat... almost everything I eat during the day after like, 4. I wonder if my tendency to eat all 20 carbs later in the day is impacting me?

I guess I shouldn't worry since I tend to lose weight/feel better the way I'm doing it so MAYBE STOP OBSESSING AND NITPICKING YOURSELF, JESS. (Man, such a restrictive diet puts me in obsession mode SO quickly.)

girl in recession One Angry Dwarf ⋅ January 17, 2019

Yeah definitely do what's working for you. When I went to see my new doc in December she said to eat 75-80% of my calories before 5pm, and only 20-25% after 5pm. She did strongly recommend low-carb/keto too, but said that eating most of my food in the evening wasn't helping my weight loss efforts. But I'm also easily 25 lbs overweight for my height, so the diet rules that apply to me don't apply to you.

rhizome January 17, 2019

with keto, how can you tell that you're burning your body fat instead of just the fat you ate? it's the same breakdown process, so i'm curious.

One Angry Dwarf rhizome ⋅ January 17, 2019

I guess you can't, other than by losing weight, haha. When I pee on a stick and everything's coming up 'tosis, I guess I'm not like "cool this means I'm definitely eating my own flab rn." But I know I'm way more likely to be eating my own flab at any moment, so it's enough motivation for me to not eat stuff that will insta-stop that process.

I wonder... I think blood tests measure more types of ketones than urine tests (which will only pick up unused, excess ketones called aeceontonenceonoes or some shit). So maybe a blood test could tell you if it's actually eating body fat? I... have no clue.

(Out of the two of us i am definitely the scientist who knows science so you should absolutely believe me about these very good facts)

rhizome One Angry Dwarf ⋅ January 18, 2019

i am v drunk rn but i think there is also beta hydroxybutarbub and straight-up acetone and probably i need to read wikipedia when i’m sober but acetone sounds dangerous and i don’t want it in my body, thank u bread for keeping me safe

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