I’m feeling a low, low.
My back is hurting and that doesnt make it any better.
But just thinking of my daughter and the frustrations with her behaviors is, despite all of these years, so hard to comprehend.
I have so many feelings of anger, disgust, disappointment
It is so hard for me to understand how she can be clean while on a CPS case, but here we are, she is back to it and now saying how hard it is… yeah, I get that, but you were clean and sober for 3 years!!!
So WHY would you:
-think it was okay to put alcohol to your lips?
-WANT to hang around people who KNOW you have this problem, that DONT FUCKING GIVE A FLYING FUCK ?!!!
-Put alcohol and THEM before your son?!!
So now, I guess she’s asked my mom if there is a pill she can take to make her sick if she takes any alcohol.
Yeah. there is. is it that bad though?
I’m soooo pissed and I dont know what to do with it. I am depressed and I dont know what to do.
And I really don’t feel like I can talk to tyler or really anyone about this. Not even my family.
I’m just so sick and tired of this.
I imagine punching her over and over and over and strangling her and just hurting her physically the way she has hurt me over all of these years. The way she keeps doing it. The way she has zero regard for anyone around her, not even her son.
I hate addicts. I hate addiction
then I hear my cousin’s daughter is hooked on heroine and has been missing for 3 days, and her boyfriend turned up at his great grandmother’s without her.
that’s all we know.
How do I live in peace and happiness and joy when THIS is going on? I try so hard to live like this. and then HER drama.
I had a dream about her that scared the shit out of me the other day:
-Ty and I were driving down the street, and there was a trashcan, with a bunch of what initially appeared to be trash piled up next to it. As we got closer and closer to it, the trash was not trash, it was a bunch of murdered cats. I remember thinking how awful that someone would do that, and want people to know the cats were murdered. Then in all of the cats, Te was also laying there with her eye blasted out. Dead.
I remember screaming at Ty to turn around and him saying, she’s gone, and me screaming at him to turn around, in hopes she wasn’t gone and she could be saved. Even though, she was clearly gone.
i feel like this is how I feel about her. can she EVER be saved?
Do I really need to just prepare to be Dante’s guardian?
I NEVER feel as if that is not a possibility. I just dont trust her. and I dont think I ever can again.
Speaking of Dante, I will be picking him up from preschool soon.
I need to find a therapist, but I have to go through my Employee Assistance Program, and it is such a freaking hassle to get in to see someone. You have to call request a therapist, get an authorization, find a provider, call them with the auth, make sure they call EAP with the auth. I mean, find ways to stress out someone who is already stressed and in need of mental health care would ya?