so much time is being spent cleaning up my act, over and over again
Jan. 14, 2019, 1:29 p.m.
WELP. Time to stop drinking. Haha.
Not, like, permanently. But I definitely definitely definitely need to stop until I can set hard limits on myself even when I feel like having one more, because no. NOPE. I MUST CONTROL MY DRUNK BRAIN and until I feel confident I can do that, I’ll control my sober brain instead.
It’s fine, y’all. I have many other coping (AKA avoidance) mechanisms to keep from facing my inner demons! And the rest of them aren’t nearly as harmful to my body or social life.
LET’S NOT GET TOO FAR INTO IT BECAUSE IF I SIT ON THIS TOO LONG I’LL DEPRESS MYSELF AND I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED ON DOING BETTER, NOT ON HATING MYSELF TO DEATH.
I do not believe Chocolate has fully recovered from the drama bomb I accidentally dropped on her last Friday and actually I think it’s festering and getting worse. She was very different this morning (tho honestly it could be that she saw me way too drunk lol but i don’t think so) and then we played a game of Let’s See How Long We Can Be Silent, and we all fucked it up but she stayed quiet and it’s been an hour now and she hasn’t said anything to anyone.
Big Brother is egging her on. Like, out of all of us, she’s the one who can’t stay quiet… And it’s something we LIKE about her, so we give her shit about it, but right now is NOT the time to do this to her. She already feels useless and voiceless and like Big Brother doesn’t like her as much as her coworkers and this is just gonna get worse if she interprets our joshing her as us genuinely thinking it’s better if she doesn’t talk.
FUCK. This is so similar to the trajectory with GirlCrush when she worked here. Although her boss actually DID dislike her and WAS a total shit brigade to her. But once she put up walls and started interpreting everything negatively, it spiraled to the point where she thought every stray comment was secretly about how much they hated her, so she ragequit and took our boss down with her.
I don’t see Chocolate ever doing that. But I can see her being constantly fucking unhappy here and I don’t like that option either. Where GirlCrush turns things outward, I think Chocolate turns them inward and will start to believe SHE’S the reason no one respects her.
WHEN IN REALITY EVERYONE LOVES AND RESPECTS HER A LOT. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I BROKE MY PERFECT TEAM DYNAMIC, Y’ALL.
I’m just a major fuckup on all levels this week. And I don’t know if I have the tools to fix it.
JUST MOVE FORWARD, DON’T LOOK BACK, PLOW AHEAD, MAKE THE CHANGES YOU NEED TO, BE A BETTER PERSON, STOP HIDING FROM YOURSELF, ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS AND CHALLENGE THEM DIRECTLY.
Great advice, Self, now I’ll just do it without any effort at all!
honestly. Yesterday was the worst day for hating myself. Today is a little bit better. Tomorrow will be better than today.
Just a rough time, y’all.
Actually I feel like this happens every year…?
A month or so of low-level depression, followed by an explosion of bad behavior that potentially trashes my relationships/friendships.
It happened in 2014, and my BF at the time almost (rightfully) left me. Then we had the best and most functional year of our relationship, which ironically is what caused me to finally have the strength to end it.
Last year, LP and I broke up.
The year before that, I almost lost my job and moved over to this one to escape the shame of being such a fuck-o.
Maybe I need to acknowledge that winters and I just don’t get along.
Which is not to say the weather is to blame for my poor choices, but maybe if I know it’s a factor in my desire to MAKE poor choices, I can take steps to feel better BEFORE I’m burning my life to the ground.
Anyway, back to work. I love you all, have a happy fuckin’ January.