Welp! I broke Chocolate.
Goddammit why couldn’t I just keep my STUPID IDIOT MOUTH SHUT.
I hung out with GirlCrush last night. She and Chocolate got together to talk about how Chocolate is unhappy here, and what she can do about it. Essentially she has tasks that don’t require her whole brain, and it’s boring and frustrating for her.
This was entirely unintentional on Big Brother’s part. He assigned her issues he thought would be a big deal; it just shook out that they weren’t this year, so now she’s stuck with nothing and Prairie is overwhelmed.
For the 4 of you who are capable of keeping up with/remembering everything about my life (or zero, lol), you might recall that GirlCrush is an extremely negative person. She never turned on me, but I lived in constant fear of the day she would, because it was just… INSTANT sometimes. And then she’d flip back just as quickly. She doesn’t mean to do this, and she doesn’t KNOW she’s doing this… but she does.
So she was ranting a lot last night about how Big Brother calls Prairie smart. Which, you know… she is. And she thinks this is an insult to Chocolate, who is smarter than everyone in the whole world and no one should go around saying this OTHER person is smart instead of saying CHOCOLATE is smart.
Thing is, Prairie doesn’t advocate for herself. I think Big Brother is trying to make up for the fact that she doesn’t speak up sometimes.
Which… I tried to explain, but then GirlCrush is just like “well if she can’t speak for herself then she should get a different FUCKING job. Meek people can’t work in policy.”
She has literally never met this woman and she already hates her, simply because Big Brother calls her smart.
It’s just… fucking stupid. Chocolate walks into every room and demands attention. She DISPLAYS her intelligence within seconds of talking to someone. She doesn’t NEED anyone to tell people what her skills are.
But GirlCrush is like… completely obsessed with the idea that Chocolate walks on fucking water, and anyone who might compete with her for that title is INSTANTLY LOATHED.
Not to mention, just insulting the shit out of people who prefer to step back and only express their opinion when they’re certain it’s valuable? To say they should GET ANOTHER FUCKING JOB because the only thing that matters is being outspoken?
To me? You’re saying this TO ME, knowing 100% that’s exactly the way I am.
And I mentioned this to her. That when she’s insulting this other person she’s never even spoken to, for traits I share with her, it’s like she’s telling me I don’t deserve a place in this. Not that I fucking want one, but the way she said it, so condescending… Basically like Prairie, and by extension me, isn’t a valuable member of society because they’re too timid or whatever.
And she was like omgomgomg that’s not what I meant at all! I just meant, you know, only STRONG people can do this job.
Cool. That’s definitely better, lol. You’re actively calling me weak. And also this person who FUCK YOU TO DEATH IS ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I’VE EVER KNOWN.
And you know the fuck what? Chocolate has behavioral issues that make her hard to manage. She asks for more work, gets more work, and then doesn’t do it until the last minute because it wasn’t the KIND of work she wanted. And I get why that is–she wants something more challenging. But that doesn’t EXIST right now. And her response to it is not to like… explain this to Big Brother and see what we can do in the future to avoid these boring slumps.
No, instead she whines. Like literally whines. Like sometimes lies on the floor between our cubes and whines about how she has nothing to do and she doesn’t want to do the things she DOES have. And it’s intended to be funny, AND IT IS, but also refusing to do what she IS assigned isn’t instilling confidence in her abilities to do the more complex shit. (This is an inaccurate assessment–she’s obviously MORE capable of the complex shit than the boring shit–but as a manager, it’s a hard call to make when all you’ve seen from someone is complaining and procrastination? How do you feel comfortable handing off bigger, more time-sensitive responsibilities?)
Plus, it’s just not POSSIBLE to give her what she wants at this point. Like, we can’t train her on all the shit Prairie has been working on for 6 months. It’s too late. We have to wait until session is over before we rearrange who has which duties. Big Brother knows this and has told her this. But she still just WHINES.
I fucking love her to death and I understand why GirlCrush thinks she’s a
“special person” who deserves special treatment, because she IS wicked smart and she DOES care about people and advocate for underserved communities. But she is not a completely perfect individual, and Big Brother shouldn’t be getting shit on for EVER ACKNOWLEDGING THAT PEOPLE OTHER THAN CHOCOLATE HAVE POSITIVE QUALITIES.
I kept asking her not to hate this person she’s never met just because her boss called her smart, and you don’t think he should call anyone smart but Chocolate. And she kept saying “Of course I won’t. I’m sure I’ll meet her one day and decide the sun shines out of her ass, and I’ll think she’s smart than anyone else in the world, and I’ll decide Chocolate is trash, too.”
Cool. Sounds genuine.
And it’s so weird because… she does this to people and then when she changes her mind about them she doesn’t even REMEMBER that she was this horrible.
I mentioned how she didn’t like Hacky Sack, and she was like THAT’S NOT TRUE I LOVE HER AND I THINK SHE’S SO SMART AND I THINK IT’S BULLSHIT THAT SHE HASN’T GOTTEN WHAT SHE WANTED OUT OF LIFE BECAUSE SHE DESERVES THE CAREER SHE’S BEEN FIGHTING FOR.
… This is literally the OPPOSITE of what she ever said about Hacky Sack in the past.
She thought she was a space case (true). Bad at prioritizing tasks. A terrible communicator. Too soft to be a leader. Passive aggressive. Self-centered. Manipulative.
She even went as far as to say she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a mom because her husband works from home, so she’s BASICALLY just the nanny.
She was fucking CRUEL about Hacky Sack. She crossed lines that made it hard for me to continue being her friend. I also have my issues with Hacky Sack, but insulting her status as a mother was taking it WAY THE FUCK TOO FAR. For one mom to say that about another mom? Based on literally nothing other than the fact that her husband works from home? I was fucking MAD.
And here she is, a year later, insisting she’s always loved her and admired her and it’s a GRAVE INJUSTICE that she hasn’t reached her career aspirations yet.
Who the fuck even ARE you?
Meanwhile, I mention that Prairie’s kids are cute and we all went to the zoo together, and she looked like I’d just dropped trou and taken a shit in her drink. LIKE. SERIOUSLY? YOU’RE MAD THAT I WENT TO THE FUCKING ZOO WITH SOMEONE YOU’VE NEVER MET BECAUSE HER BOSS CALLED HER SMART?
… Aaaaaaanyhoo. My big fear was that during their private convo, she’d spewed all this vitriol to Chocolate and convinced her that Big Brother hates her and he’s not giving her any work because he thinks she’s stupid.
So of course I fucking stupidly brought some of this stuff up with Chocolate (definitely filtered, but not filtered ENOUGH because I was still feeling a little raw from the way she’d indirectly insulted me too) and NOPE, SHE DIDN’T SAY THIS ANY OF THIS SHIT TO CHOCOLATE.
So, by trying to prevent her from thinking these things, I INTRODUCED HER TO THE CONCEPTS AND NOW SHE FUCKING THINKS THEM.
So we were talking about it for the third time today since I brought it up, and I was trying to convince her not to feel so bad, and I definitely somehow made her feel worse. Then we got interrupted and she rushed off to “get some air” and I’m basically a fucking piece of human trash. Like. I made her cry. I made her cry by trying to convince her that she’s valued. Fuck me, why am I such TRASH.
Jesus Christ. GirlCrush doesn’t even work with us anymore and now she’s indirectly thrown a bomb on our team, VIA ME, THE FUCKING IDIOT WHO LET HER STRAP IT TO MY CHEST.
nd I KNOW that wasn’t her intention. She’s a good person, I fucking swear. I SWEAR. I love and admire her and she’s one of the smartest and most caring people I’ve ever known I don’t understand how she can dedicate her whole life to trying to help underprivileged people, but be so incredibly black and white about people she actually KNOWS.
If she had any other symptoms of BPD, I might suspect that, but she doesn’t. It’s JUST this. Just this fucking POISON inside her that she directs at whatever target has said something she didn’t like recently. And BECAUSE she’s smart, BECAUSE she’s articulate, she can cut people to pieces with her words.
Jesus Christ, she was talking about SOMEONE ELSE and I still feel like I got punched in the gut because I happen to be KINDA LIKE that person. And I’m not that easily hurt anymore. My dad was like this, English was like this, LP is sometimes like this. I know how to shut my shit down and not feel the sting. I don’t know why this one got to me. Maybe that’s just her superpower. Maybe it’s because it’s true; I AM weak, I DON’T deserve to get anywhere in life, I CAN’T ever help other people because I’m not smart or strong enough.
But she never actually says this shit to her target. She just says it to other people. Which makes me wonder what awful things she says about me while I’m not there.
And I fucking BROUGHT THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE. I’m such a fucking TOOL.
K now I’m gonna have to “get some air” or I’m gonna wind up crying at work too. God. WE’RE BOTH SO DRAMATIC, LOL.
I feel like I should have saved yesterday’s entry title for today. OH WELL.
Last updated January 11, 2019