lips are shaped like daggers, gunning for my brain in Public

  • Jan. 10, 2019, 4:10 p.m.
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  • Public

Yesterday was a shit show. I was sleep-deprived and infinitely busy and everything went FINE but holy shit, I forgot. I FORGOT WHAT SESSION FEELS LIKE. And we’re not even IN session yet.

I shouldn’t complain. I hate it on days like yesterday, but most of the time I enjoy the frantic pace. It feels more satisfying than… this. Haha. Sitting here typing out a fuckin’ entry to avoid tasks that aren’t quite due yet.


CW: Diet shit (Then more non-diet shit afterward)

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Hung out with LP for a drink or two before I went home.

He’d been texting me about keto earlier in the day–turns out he started two days ago. It was his suggestion we do it together this time, and I put off my plans to try again in December because he didn’t want to do it then… And then he just… started without me?

He also did literally no research. We were supposed to talk about it before he started so I could give him the basics, but since we hadn’t done that, he decided to just… do it based on whatever bits and pieces I’d told him already? Not even do a cursory Google search before DRASTICALLY CHANGING HIS DIET?

He was like, “I can’t seem to get to zero carbs!”

I TOLD HIM LAST WEEKEND THAT IT’S NOT A ZERO CARB DIET BECAUSE THAT IS INSANE, IT’S ABOUT 25-30 NET CARBS A DAY. But I guess he just entirely erased that knowledge?

I’d even told him before that I’d googled if zero carbs was possible, and the first thing I found was a blog of someone who is zero carbs by EXCLUSIVELY EATING RAW MEAT. Apparently that horrifying mental image wasn’t enough to burn into his brain that keto is not a zero-carb diet.

It’s possible he was frustrated with the fact that I hadn’t asked to start yet, which is why he chose to start without me. But as per literally always, I will never know when/why he’s upset because he’d rather die than tell me, so I guess this’ll be a permanent mystery like everything else he’s done that conflicts with my memory of our plans.

We also planned on doing it for a month, and now he’s saying, uh, OF COURSE I can’t possibly do this at work, Jess. I don’t have the kind of job where I can EAT ALL THE TIME, Jess.

Even though we had literally just had the conversation–like, 10 minutes earlier–about how the constant hunger goes away for almost everyone after the first few days, and is replaced by a majorly reduced appetite? That’s part of the reason he wanted to try the fucking diet! But literally minutes after I reminded him of this, he was like LOL ARE YOU AN IDIOT, OF COURSE I CAN’T GO TO WORK WHEN I’M HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.

(He doesn’t actually call me an idiot, lol. He was just using his “a-durrrrr” tone that implied I was ridiculous for thinking what I thought.)

He goes back to work on January 17. He said he wants to do it for 2 weeks so yeah there will be a couple days of overlap. But I guess I am no longer involved in the process at all.

Weird that I’m no longer a part of his diet plans, but he still expects me to teach him how to do it instead of Google it?

I grudgingly started this morning because, idk, we DID say we were gonna do it together and he probably does still expect that. And I was gonna do it anyway! I just didn’t want to suddenly start just to catch up with him. Now I don’t have any food prepped, and honestly it just sucks the fun out of it. It’s hard to stick to an incredibly strict food regimen when it feels like I’m being pushed into it.

Diet Shit Over! (TL;DR: LP did things differently than we discussed, does not seem to believe he’s done anything different than discussed)

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I know, y’all. I KNOW. You’ve all given me fantastic advice on how to handle it when he does this stuff, and I don’t know what the fuck my resistance is to implementing any of it.

It just seems like this is easier? To just… let him do this stuff and try not to be affected by it. Much easier than trying to get him to understand that I expect our spoken plans to have SOME foundation in reality, and I need changes to be discussed with words instead of communicated through whatever form of osmosis I have yet to master.

I mean, has that EVER gone well? Has it ever NOT led to him telling me I need professional help so I can stop being so Anxious/Depressed/Hyperactive/Spin the Wheel of Mental Illnesses He Can Use to Accuse Me of Irrationality?

I know I’ve gotten a resounding Don’t Live With Him from a couple people. I get it, man. And I know it’s frustrating as fuck to see people continuing to choose the dumbest option, despite everyone accurately warning them of the consequences.

I need to set measurable goals, here. We have 8 months left before we even CAN live together, and plenty of buffer after that. I’d have to go month-to-month on my rent and pay who fuckin’ knows how much more skrill, but I WILL have a place to live.

So before we live together, I need our progress on these communication issues to reach particular benchmarks.

Maybe first I can create a structure of how we talk about it when this stuff DOES happen. For the times when it seems to me that he’s rewritten our conversations to match his desires, and is completely unaware that he’s changed our plans without consulting me because he doesn’t even remember the original version of those plans.

Like maybe instead of accusing him of making shit up, I can find some way to phrase it so he doesn’t feel attacked?

But, ugh, HE FEELS ATTACKED BY EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T A COMPLIMENT so I really don’t know how to handle this.

THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY, FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. Why is this the thing I can’t seem to do?

I just feel like it took me the last YEAR to close Pandora’s Box of Arguments, and as soon as I even glance at the fuckin’ massive padlock I’ve put on it, the monster inside starts rattling and banging. If I look too long, that fucker will fight its way out and we’ll be back to where we were 13 months ago.

And every time I MENTION therapy, it feels like that’s what I’m doing. Like even acknowledging that we might have problems causes a complete communication breakdown, which I’m only able to stop by taking the topic completely off the agenda.

The worst part of this is that I feel like he would be FINE once I got us INTO therapy. He’s not a total asshole. He’s capable of reasonable, level-headed conversation. He’s capable of introspection, and compromise, and change, and sometimes even capable of acknowledging genuine fault.

He just seems incapable of admitting that we actually need to do those things when we’re not actively screaming at each other. “If it ain’t broke (at literally this exact moment in time), don’t fix it!” And when I say that yes we’re not exchanging insults every day, but I I feel like we still need to go… That’s when the real asshole comes out, and I can’t handle that person for long enough to throw something on our fucking calendar. I just say “fuck it” and let it sit for another month, two months, three.

And things are SO GOOD the rest of the time that it’s just… How the fuck? Do I do this? How do I take a shit on 95% happiness just to TRY to make the other 5% a little less excruciating?

Ugh.

I just have to do it. To take the risk of making things worse so they can eventually get better. If you wanna make an omelet, you have to MONSTROUSLY DESTROY A FEW EGGS AND THEN PRAY YOU HAVE THE SKILLS TO PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER OVER THE COURSE OF MONTHS OR YEARS, am I right?!

Christ, this is long.

BYE.


OH ONE MORE THING LOL: I officially unfollowed SOD on Instagram when I clicked a picture of his and saw a comment that pretty strongly implied (to me, at least) that they’re dating, so yeah I’m pretty sure I got ghosted for another girl.

At first I was like ugh that’s the worst, but honestly that’s a lot less shitty than being ghosted for Literally Nothing. Like, at least he picked a person over me, rather than just chores and alone time, which is what he implied was the only barrier to us hanging out.

His profile pic on there is a selfie he took specifically for me. This shouldn’t annoy me but it does. BYE GIRL.


Last updated January 10, 2019


girl in recession January 11, 2019

I recommend the podcast "Where do we begin" with Esther Perel...many of the couples interviewed aren't directly related to any issue I have with relationships, but she drops knowledge like a boss so I always learn something every time. definitely start at the first episode first season and work your way thru. Obvi not a replacement for therapy, but personally its gotten me thinking about things a lot differently relationship wise and just life wise

Fawkes Gal January 11, 2019

Zero carbs? Da fuck, LP?

Jigger January 12, 2019

That guy is way too much work.

Firebabe Jigger ⋅ January 15, 2019

That guy IS a piece of work.

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