I appreciate all your comments on the last entry, and honestly shocked no one attacked me on talking about parenting as though I have any fucking clue??? YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT.
I know every kid is different, and despite my parents’ resentment of everyone who told them how “lucky” they were for having well- behaved kids… Honestly, luck had to be involved. My deep desire to be liked/not disappoint people made me pretty easy to control. My brother was just a naturally chill little fucker. Didn’t take a lot of management, really.
So, I appreciate you not tearing my head off for making sweeping statements about parenting when I have no experience with it. I’ve realized I will probably never fully stop ranting about things, but I could at least STAY IN MY GODDAMN LANE.
Anyhoo. Enough about that.
CW: Consent, death
Yesterday I went to lunch with DF!!!!!! It was fine. He is a very sweet person. TOO sweet. I remember why it didn’t work out, but also why I liked him in the first place.
He talked about the woman he dated recently and how it did not… go well.
He got way too into her and it was uncomfortable for his primary partner. Their boundaries are… I don’t know. Confusing to me?
When he and I dated, all of her desires were hard lines. Ultimatums. You can spend THIS amount of time together on THIS day and only if I’m not available, kinda thing. (Which she never was because of work, but I imagine had she been off work for some reason, he wouldn’t have been able to see me.) And oh by the way, we have to have sex every night we’re together or I’ll leave you. (They went to couples’ therapy for this, but it didn’t seem to be to find a compromise, but to find a way to get him to have sex with her every night and not feel bad about it. So that’s… a lot.)
Now it seems far more loose. (Idk about the sex thing, lol. I did not ask.) But loose in a way that doesn’t sound wholly productive?
Like, they’ve accepted that sometimes their behavior will hurt each other. It’s a part of the whole poly setup. Sometimes you’re gonna be hurt when your life partner falls for someone else.
But I guess this time he went “too far” into thinking it was okay for her to be hurt?
It all sounds very… squidgy. Like “it’s okay for your other relationships to be painful to me… UNTIL I DECIDE THEY’RE NOT.” There is nothing measurable about this, which means anyone can accuse the other person of crossing the line at any time. Which means it’s not a real line?
The whole thing just made me realize how COMPLICATED this all is. How every relationship model is terrifying to me.
All the rules we place around our relationships for safety are an illusion. It’s like building a dam to stop a fucking hurricane. It makes no logical sense, but it feels better than doing nothing. And when it doesn’t work, we build more and more dams thinking MORE MUST BE THE KEY, but it just feels worse because you’re looking at the fruits of all your labor and wondering why the fuck the hurricane is spinning as fast as ever, completely untouched by your efforts.
We are all trapped in The Monster at the End of This Book, building more and more barriers between ourselves and the monster, but it’s still all made of paper and the world keeps turning the fucking page. Except unlike in the book, our monster at the end is real.
Like, fuck. We all have to live with the uncertainty of death hanging over us at all times, and we all have different coping mechanisms for the existential dread that would otherwise consume us, and one of those mechanisms is to at least feel stable while you’re alive. And relationships SEEM like a way to do that, except OOPS THEY’RE ALSO VERY UNSTABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT so now you just have TWO endings to dread. The end of your life stability, and the end of your life. NEAT, SO GLAD I DID THIS.
Doing the poly thing doesn’t seem so much like “eat your cake and have it too,” but “eat your cake and constantly try to rearrange things such that you FEEL like you still have your cake, when in reality you’re as cakeless as ever. And oh by the way, even if you HADN’T eaten that cake, YOU STILL WOULDN’T HAVE IT, LOL. IT COULD BE SNATCHED AWAY FROM YOU AT ANY TIME. LITERALLY NO ONE IN THIS WORLD HAS GUARANTEED CAKE. THE CAKE IS A LIE.”
It’s a little clunky for an idiom, and ending it in a fucking 15-years-outdated video game reference isn’t a great way to make friends, but it works for me as a descriptor of… all relationship models.
MOTHERFUCKER. I HAD SHIT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO UPDATE YOU ON BUT I WENT DOWN A DARK RABBIT HOLE AGAIN.
Actually, I feel okay that I’m writing this stuff out right now. Because the desire to NOT WRITE ANYTHING is worse. I must be not feeling these things as heavily if I’m able to wax bullshitophic about them.
My general point was I’d still totally make out with DF.
Last updated January 08, 2019