• Dec. 28, 2018, 3:19 p.m.
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I SURVIVED THE THING. Actually it was very fun. Big Brother and I had two drinks before we got there, so I was loosened up and feeling social. I was basically on my game for most of the night.

We played Apples to Apples and once the kids left, Cards Against Humanity. I drank… 4 beers? But we ate so I didn’t wind up WASTYPANTS.

LP was sick, but he showed up anyway which was nice of him. Errbody liked him.

Then we were heading out and I asked LP if he wanted me to stay with him or go home, since he was sick and we both have boundaries when we’re sick.

He WOULD. NOT. ANSWER. ME. And he got super annoyed with ME for wanting him to give me an answer? “Fine, stay over if it will end this conversation.” LIKE. I’M SORRY I AM DIRECTLY ASKING YOU WHAT YOU WANT SO I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT?

This is his Thing. He doesn’t ever express a desire for anything, even when I ask him. I know he HAS preferences and probably quietly resents me for not doing what he wants sometimes, but THE MOTHERFUCKER WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

So I slept over, and at 5 AM I woke up and he was sleeping in the other room.


So I got dressed and planned on potentially going to work extra fuckin’ early (I would have gotten out at like 2, too, which would have been nice) but he was absolutely not okay with that. But in the process of putting on my clothes, I got him back into the bed he actually likes to sleep on, and I slept on the shitty one (it doesn’t bother me at all, but he hates it).

Guess I can look forward to an entire lifetime of tricking him into doing what he wants!!!!!!

Ugh. It takes so much fucking energy to read between the lines with him. Especially when I know that’s ALL he wants me to do; he doesn’t believe the actual lines matter, it’s all about WHAT’S BETWEEN THEM, and I DON’T HAVE THE PSYCHIC POWERS REQUIRED TO READ THINGS THAT AREN’T WRITTEN.

This is why we need therapy. Obvi. OBVI.

I’ll definitely get on that… eventually.

Yesterday I decided Milquetoast is a sociopath because he copypastes his Facebook posts into text messages so he doesn’t have to answer them individually.

Today he bought me a breakfast sandwich so I’ve done a complete 180 and now I want to marry him.



1. If you are into photos, post a picture of yourself from January 2018.

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As of yesterday I started missing my red hair. Kill me.

2. Did you keep all of your 2018 resolutions?
If I made any they were probably dumb and I certainly didn’t fuckin’ do them.

3. Have you any resolutions for 2019?
- Make some form of exercise a part of my regular routine.
- Learn ASL.
- Bang someone new and actually enjoy it.
- Not murder LP after we move in together. (Happening in September, so I only have to make it 3 months.)

4. What countries did you visit in 2018?
ZERO. Definitely could not have afforded it, haha.

5. What would you like to have in 2019 that you didn’t have in 2018?

6. What did you do in 2018 that you have never done before?
- Went to a counselor!
- Got prescription medications!
- Accepted the possibility that I’ll be garbage for the rest of my life no matter how many drugs I take!
- Got drunk with my boss!

7. What date in 2018 will remain etched in your memory?
I don’t actually remember the specific date LP broke up with me (and then later said he… didn’t… even though he did it through Facebook messenger so I had hard evidence?) It was February… some time. Haha. Other than that, nope.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not dying?

9. What was your biggest failure?
MOST THINGS I DID, I FAILED AT. Same as every year.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Switching to a higher dose of WELP-butrin caused a major side effect that led to my only bout of suicidal feelings since I was 19. That… wasn’t great.

Other than that, I haven’t been sick much this year!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmmmmmm. I didn’t buy much this year, or… any year. Haha. Most of my money goes to food when I’m too lazy to cook, which is usually.

The shit I really enjoy (noise cancelling headphones, fancy face products one of which has Retinol in it) have been free. I JUST DON’T MAKE BIG PURCHASES, Y’ALL.

12. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
I mean… honestly, LP at the beginning of the year was… really bad. Some of the shit he said and did, and then blamed entirely on me… I’m genuinely shocked we’re back together. I wouldn’t allow that kinda stuff from ANYONE else.

Also SOD ghosting me was really disappointing and completely unexpected.

13. Where did most of your money go?
FOOD. LOL. Food and booze.

14. What did you get really really really excited about?
… Not much? Honestly, I haven’t felt much excitement for a couple years now.

Maybe that’s why the SOD thing hit me as hard as it did, because I felt GENUINE excitement about maybe starting a thing with him. Ugh, I really don’t like that about myself. NEW 2019 RESOLUTION: FIND SOMETHING TO GET SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE DICKS GOING IN ME.

15. What songs will always remind you of 2018?
Let’s check my Spotify EOY list.

“Adderall” by Max Frost.

16. Compared to this time last year are you: [A] Fatter or thinner? [B] Happier or sadder? [C] Richer or poorer?

A) Fatter, almost definitely.
B) Happier for sure. LP and I were rocky, I felt awful about my boss… Yeah, that’s all better now.
C) Richer, marginally, cos my brother gave me money. Ha ha.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of in 2018?

18. Which Prosebox users did you meet up with?
NONE. Alexa was definitely the year before, so, yeah… None. Weird!

19. Did you fall in love in 2018?

20. How many one night stands?
I only had one-off sex with two people, but I went out with both of them a couple times before the sex, so I don’t know how you count that. And then I had my summer fling with Misha which was LOADS OF SEX but somehow more casual than the one-offs.

21. What was your favourite TV show?
I watch so much fucking TV, I don’t know how to answer this. This was the year of Star Trek, though, and my fave of the bunch was DS9 by a MILE.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I basically don’t hate people.

I definitely started the year with a vaguely positive memory of The Intellectual, but when he popped up and I realized he was a condescending, controlling, manipulative person, that kinda ruined my memories of the good dates we went on in 2012.

23. What was/were the best books you read?
I read a bunch of the Miriam Black series, and not much else tbh.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I really only “discovered” one band, and I’d already heard a couple songs years ago, I just hadn’t latched onto a whole album. Miracles of Modern Science, y’all. Album: Dog Year. I got ALL UP IN that album’s guts.

25. What did you want and get?
Ummmmmmmmmm. Not… much?


To finally bang two dudes I’d thought about banging for a long time! TOO BAD ONE OF THEM WAS TERRIBLE AND THE OTHER ONE GHOSTED ME.

26. What did you want and not get?

Oh, a new job! DEFINITELY that.

27. What was your favourite film this year?
I don’t really watch movies. I think I legit only watched 2: A Quiet Place and The Lobster. Of those two, def A Quiet Place. (Plus a hot dude was feeling me up in the theater for the whole thing, HOW COULD I BE UPSET ABOUT THAT.)

28. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I literally do not remember. I think… absolutely nothing?

29. What one thing made your year more satisfying?
More satisfying than what? Than the previous year?

One of my besties is now my boss. That made my whole life easier.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Same shit I’ve been wearing for several years because I’m poor. It’s pretty much all from Goodwill.

31. What kept you sane?

My boss, honestly.

My friends who put up with me constantly disappearing on them.

The McElroys.

32. What concerts did you see?
… did I see any? I’m not a live music person. (YES I KNOW THIS MAKES ME AWFUL MUCH LIKE MY DISLIKE OF PEANUT BUTTER. I just don’t need to stand in a crowd of assholes to listen to a poor version of a song I like.)

33. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I haven’t updated my celebrity crush list in like, a million years.

The guy who played Greg in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (the first season version). James Acaster, but in a mostly non-sexual way.

Oh, fuck. Y’all, I know what it is and I fucking hate myself for it: Cole fucking Sprouse.

19-year-old Jess is disgusted by 29-year-old Jess right now. I can feel her giving up on life.

34. Which political issue stirred you the most?
Public charge shit. Or maybe Title X. But only because I was forced to learn about those in-depth for my job.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
Don’t pregame before scavenger hunts.

It’s okay to be shitty at things normal people are good at, and it doesn’t mean you’re dumb or lazy.

36. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few of y’all did! AND THOSE LIL FUCKERS ARE SO CUTE IT KILLS ME. But, no one in my Seattle life that I can think of.

37. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, but I thought about it a lot!

38. What do you wish you’d done more of?

No, uh. Exercise for sure. I was feeling so good about running and then I let a breakup derail me because I SERIOUSLY CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT PEEN.

39. How will you spend your New Year?
Probably at home with LP, making fun of Lost or some shit.

40. Who did you miss?
My brother. Always my brother, even when he’s in the room.


41. Who was the best new person you met?
Omg, BOTH of my new coworkers are just the light of my life. My third new coworker is also fine, haha, NO BEEF THERE but she can’t beat my two girls Chocolate and Prairie. Real bonds with work people is just… not a thing I’m used to.

42. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Just give me one fine day of plain sailing weather and I can fuck up anything.

43. Post a photo of yourself in December 2018 to see how much you’ve changed.

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Colors my hair has been this year:

  • Fluorescent yellow-orange

  • Purple/pink/orange gradient

  • Black

  • Black with a purple stripe


K bye.

Last updated December 28, 2018

Jigger December 28, 2018

I’m not one to hand out unasked advice on the internet, but man, if I were, I’d tell you not to move in with that guy. He is way too much work and seems to get way too much out of keeping you off-balance.

But rent. Bills. Shit.

Yours For Now... Jigger ⋅ December 29, 2018

I have been a terrible reader this year, so I really only have like....6 entries to go from, but yeah, LP sounds... I dunno. Not great to live with? Maybe I'm totally wrong though.

girl in recession December 28, 2018

i've started listening to a couples therapy podcast and I LOVE IT so far. This woman is brilliant and drops tid bits of knowledge throughout. It's called "Where should we begin?" I suggest starting at the first pod of the first season, though it is episodic. it really helps me start conversations with bf that would otherwise be really painful to have. maybe theyre still painful, but sometimes I can frame them in a different way

hollow book December 28, 2018

Cole Sprouse happened to me too v_v

Yours For Now... December 29, 2018

"I just don’t need to stand in a crowd of assholes to listen to a poor version of a song I like." I think I've always felt this and never knew it. I've hardly been to any concerts and I'm not depressed about it.
THAT SAID, I AM going to a Backstreet Boys concert in August in ATL and I will be so stoked to stand in that a crowd of assholes which will probably be mostly women in their thirties trying to relive some middle school shit.

J.E. December 30, 2018

Mmm LSD.
Plus I'd like to bang someone new, too, next year but that ain't happening.

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