tonight was the first night, maybe in forever, that i hoped that our conversation wouldn’t lead to me “stopping by” like I did the week before last. Where we didn’t go inside but instead sat in my car and made out like teenagers and I tried not to think about why we couldn’t go inside. I tried not to tie it to the fact that he’s been coming over to my place lately, because there’s someone sharing his home and I can’t be there. We are in hiding. He’s looking over his shoulder. He’s checking out the windows. I feel like a like a dirty secret and like a slut. A “slut” who is so loyal she’s never let another touch her but that one man… but a slut nonetheless. I never thought I’d be in this situation again.
And so I wished and pleaded with the universe to tuck him into a sweet, sound slumber with only the best of dreams. Still, at the same time, my heart is screaming for him. For any part of him. For a piece, just a small one. For a taste. Just for a minute, or maybe five. Anywhere in the world. I just need him now.... But my mind tells me I can’t do it tonight.
And as much as I know my mind was telling me the right thing, and anyone reading this would tell me the same, I know it makes no difference. I have been told the same thing over and over and we all know I will never turn him away. Not really. I may have wished for his peaceful slumber, but if he had called for me I would have gone. As I have always gone. As I will always go. Because he is what ties me to this wretched earth, and the only moments of peace I find are with him. I just wish I could give him the same.. But I’ll give him what I have, he can take what he likes and use it up until there’s nothing left because I’ve been his from the moment we met.
Last updated September 18, 2019