to feel myself beloved on this earth in cavalcade of anger and fear

  • Sept. 14, 2018, 2:24 a.m.
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hello summer is in its death throes, not in like a car accident way but in a dying peacefully after a long and satisfying life way. what I’m trying to say is it’s warm out, but at night, especially at night, you can feel fall is coming.

anyway whoa I am having A FEELING OR TWO right now it’s fine. my sleep schedule has been very weird for a few weeks, I pretty much nap any day I don’t have to work, and some of my days are 15 hours long but I can’t even really tell and I often extend them into uh, longer nights, by going to karaoke.

I brought someone to karaoke the other night and they just absolutely got it. karaoke is like… a weekly class, where I see people that I know every week, and we chat and idk I would not say we are friends, necessarily, yet, but we know of each other? and entertain each other merrily, and often don’t speak in more than high fives and shout-alongs. it’s… a very special night. I almost wonder if I invented it and its motley crew of characters as a defense mechanism of some sort. so but like, Stevie got it, the warmth and the queerness and the love. it is just a roomful of love and sometimes love is being okay with being all by yourself.

it was the best night, but with the addition of a dive bar patio and then making out at their apartment it meant staying out until ALMOST FOUR IN THE MORNING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. I was definitely not this fun in the Regular College age people often are when they do silly shit like this.

god what the hell was I even DOING when I was 20. being sad and rudderless in a way I can’t even pretend to romanticize.

when I got home let’s say around 4 am there was someone in my apartment lobby on his cell phone (side note: I don’t know who this guy is and I don’t think he is necessarily a paying resident of this apartment but I see him sleeping on that couch sometimes at very very early hours in the morning, and once or twice it was someone else instead of him, and it’s just sort of interesting, and if it is a place he needs to be I am glad it is available to him and I hope nobody tells him he shouldn’t be there) (I have no reason to think he is Bad, I have literally left my door unlocked and not even fully latched while he’s there and nothing whatsoever has happened) and when I left a couple hours later for school, he was saying to the person on his phone do you realize we’ve been talking for over two hours.

holy shit. I went home, slept, woke up, got ready, and left, and he was still on the phone with the same person. that’s how little sleep I got. I did a whole school day the next day but called in sick to work and had a just emotionally wrecking nap. woke up around 8 pm not knowing what day or year it was, made some pasta, got ice cream and candy at the gas station, watched some Good Place, ILOVETHATSHOW.

a couple days ago at the doctor I got a flu shot and had some kidney stuff tested and the tech got blood out of me on the first try, I nearly wept with relief, needles make me cry-y for a lot of reasons and it’s such a weirdly intimate experience but this time oh my god it was not the stomach-turning thing I had prepared myself for. the other thing at the doctor was after 33 years I finally said enough is fucking enough let’s call this PCOS I want to go on spironolactone and boom, I am on spironolactone. and stating my desire to go on it didn’t overwhelm me. growth happens slowly and you don’t see it happening but one day you look down and the stem of your life is long and your flower head is high in the clouds and blue, when once you were a little shoot.

I wish you had seen these guys do Dick In A Box at karaoke, I know that’s maybe a terrible segue but it was such a perfect moment in life, they both had such warm and ridiculous smiles and were actually talented. I have a lot of tattoo ideas and I believe in all of them wholeheartedly and maybe I should get one that says I feel God in this karaoke night tonight (the bar is called Acadia but I don’t like the idea of having an actual name brand on my skin) (except God) (does that make sense to you) (things have been emotionally a lot lately, I cried after coming across someone whose heart I broke on okcupid. he’s such a strange and beautiful person and I was such a monster to him, my horoscope today told me be careful with hearts and I will, world, I will I will I swear, I’ll try.)

(so many people from painful parts of my past are resurfacing and teaching me lessons I learned late and am still failing to learn, I matched with Marshall’s goddamn Brother on okcupid and quasi made plans with him and totally blew him off, I blow so many people off, I love and cherish direct communication until it becomes slightly awkward for me, why can’t I ever just tell people I’m not actually that into this, why, when it would be a slightly difficult thing that would in the end make me feel so much better, and them too probably. lord.)


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