I’m sitting here, a knot of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach… A familiar feeling. A feeling I feel often when we talk. Waiting for him to text back. Wondering what he’s going to say. Will he say something to break my heart, or will he make me feel wanted? These days, I’m never sure.
He messaged me around 10pm. “Hey you. How are you?” I had all but forgotten I’d sent him a drunken message a couple nights ago. Based on my last entry, which I had to re-read because I couldn’t even remember what I said, I was worried he would never reply. I think a part of me knew that he would, eventually. But I can’t shake the fear now that it’s ingrained so deep inside of me.
I was at a friend’s house finishing dinner, and my stomach lept into my throat. My hands started to shake. My mouth went dry. The whole 9 yards… palms sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti… – insert eminem meme here /
The message I had sent only said “thinking of you!” and nothing more. I had a million other things I wanted to say, but couldn’t bring myself to. But I had to let him know I’m still thinking of him, because I always will be. No matter how upset and disappointed I may be at him and how this has all gone, I will always be thinking of him. I will always wonder how he’s doing. I just wish I didn’t have to wonder…
It’s 12:30 AM now, so it’s been a good while since we started chatting back and forth. His messages are slow. Slow enough it gave me time to leave my friend’s house and come home before getting a reply. And since, I’ve just been sitting here in my room replying to his scant texts and smoking entirely too much weed to try and calm my nerves.
But he is chaos AND calm. Somehow he calms my nerves and sets them on fire.
He told me he’s been busy, and when I asked him what he’s been up to, he would only say “Uhm, lots of stuff”. So, I didn’t press further, and eventually the conversation changed into what I’ve been up to and how I’ve been feeling… and he asks me where I am right now. I thought to myself, OK - This is usually his cue to ask me to come over… but after I tell him I am at home, he goes silent for a little while, and then out of the blue he says: “I’m sort of in an awkward situation”.
I asked him if he wanted to talk or vent about it, or if there was anything I could do… and he read it, but didn’t reply. That was at least a half hour ago now, and I’m teetering on the edge of a cliffhanger so steep, I know that what he says has the ability to tip me over.
I don’t like to be left hanging like this… I hate not knowing how he’s feeling or what he’s doing. I hate assuming and guessing. I never look at his social media (if he even updates it, I wouldn’t know either way), so my guess is as good as anyone else’s as far as what his life is like… but my mind is running wild. It’s taken off and spun in a thousand different directions, and I’m thinking the worst but praying for the best…
I mentioned to my friend the other day that it had been so long since I’d spoken to him, that anything in his life could have happened. He’s probably still in his relationship, and lord knows what it’s like if this long has gone by. Months and months that I feel have been taken from me, and I just let them go. I gave them up. Because I felt, and feel, powerless… So he’s with someone else and anything could happen. He could have moved. She could have moved here. They could live together. She could be pregnant. They could be married. Oh god, no I don’t think that’s it… But who knows. Who knows. I know nothing. I don’t even like to put those thoughts and energies out into the universe, I don’t want to chance speaking them into existence if they aren’t already… but the thoughts are there.
And along with those thoughts, come other ones. Other thoughts that maybe if it’s all gone that way for him, then maybe he is happier. And if he is happier, maybe he is sober. Or at least trying to get that way. Maybe this is all what he wants, and could I ever really be upset that he got what he wanted in life? that he was happy and healthy and sober?
No. No. I want that for him. I want that for him, even if it means sacrificing myself. If I don’t make him happy (even though he’s what makes me happy), then I have to let him be happy. I have to. I love him absolutely unconditionally - as much as I hate it, as much as I wish I didn’t, you can’t choose who you love like that. I want him to be happy.
I DON’T want him to be drunk right now. I DON’T want him to be in a bad frame of mind or still struggling… I want him to get out of the rut he’s been in, I don’t want him to be in an awkward spot. I just want him to be free of all that and finally happy.
I wish it was with me. I wish so badly it was with me.
My head tells me that maybe he’s moving on in his life and relationship or something of that nature… but my heart tells me something else. Something not based in any sense of reality - just a white-hot yearning that I can’t escape. One that whispers “what if....?” and begs me to stay. To see him. Tells me that I’m being irrational and maybe one day, one day he will realize he has wanted me all along and maybe when he stops drinking and maybe when he is in a better head space and maybe when he’s happier and maybe maybe maybe. Maybe he will show up like something out of an 80s movie, on my doorstep with flowers or maybe a boom box. Maybe he will drop to his knees and tell me he wants to be with me… Maybe my heart has been imagining that happening since I was 17 and I’M always the one on his doorstep with the flowers or music or poetry or tears…
Why isn’t he messaging me back? Why leave me hanging like that on a message that keeps my mind wandering wondering what he could mean…
What if he got someone pregnant? What if he has an STD and has to tell me? OH MY GOD, why am I even thinking about that? See? This is what happens. The weed isn’t working, I need to chill. Maybe he’s back with his ex, who hates me. What if he got someone pregnant, AND then decided he wanted to be with me and not that person? (see, there goes my mind morphing two of those things into one. Creative, right?)
It could be anything. It could really truly be nothing. He could be at a bar and doesn’t have a ride home. Usually, my mind makes up much wilder stories than what ends up being the truth. I always end up worrying for nothing, and getting extra annoyed that I got left hanging for something so stupid and stressed myself out over it.
This entry is everywhere, but I just wanted to write down my feelings as I sat here feeling them. Normally I try to shove my feelings down and not feel them, and by the time I get the courage to write anything of substance here, my feelings on it have dulled. Right now, I am a fucking mess.
I haven’t changed out of my clothes or taken off my makeup after I got home from my friend’s house, because I knew the moment I did would be the moment he asked me to come over, or showed up. Of course, the other side of the coin is that now that I actually look presentable and am ready for anything, I won’t see him. That shit always happens, not just with him but with everyone.
every second feels like forever…
It’s been another hour. It’s 1:40 AM now and I’m just sitting here. Laptop in front of me. Cursor blinking. Headphones blaring in my ears and lungs full of smoke… he’s not coming back tonight.
I hope he didn’t drive drunk. i really hope the awkward situation wasn’t being stranded somewhere. Dear god just don’t let it be that. (I think I hyper paranoid about that both from his past accidents, and because one of my other friends has repeatedly needed me to pick her up from places due to being too drunk to drive lately). It’s probably not that. But I can’t help worry. Please be safe. I still wish for your safety and wellbeing every time I hear a fucking siren at night.
I have to get up earlier than usual, and I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. If he could have just left me on read before saying he was in some kind of awkward situation, then he could have prevented from putting me in an awkward position to worry about it all fucking night. and probably for many nights, if I’m being honest.
I remember back when I was 19 and he went off to basic training, far away. I wouldn’t want to sleep, for fear of missing a message from him. Sometimes they’d come in late at night. I would leave my computer on, signed into MSN messenger, and I’d leave the speakers on full volume, with the message alert being something obnoxious that could wake me from sleep. And this is how I slept many nights. One eye barely open, wondering if he would sign in, straining to hear a notification, getting up to check that my internet was still connected (it always was). And that’s how I want to sleep tonight. Phone next to my head with the volume up. Please write back.
On the other hand, maybe it’s too late now to want him to message me back. It’s nearly 2 AM, I don’t think I can handle any bad news now. I’d never sleep. My hands have finally stopped shaking and sitting here writing this out has helped me relax. Maybe I hope he just went to sleep.
Yeah. I hope he’s in his bed, safe, sound, happy, not in any kind of bad situation. He can tell me whatever he needs to tell me another day. I’m going to be thinking of him either way.
…sigh. Guess I can risk getting ready for bed now. God damn it. Goonight.
Last updated September 03, 2018