I’ve been low-key dreading this day. The day that would mark 3 years since we crashed back into one another’s lives. I don’t want to acknowledge it, but I know I have to. Because three years ago, my life changed. Everything got flipped upside-down and I had no idea what would happen.
Though it’s been nearly 4 months since we have seen one another, and almost nearly as long since we have talked…I don’t regret it. The only thing I regret is not doing whatever it is that would have made him stay.
I’m deep into a bottle of chardonnay and still, I can’t bear to really peel back the layers of how I am feeling. I’ve been sitting here reading through entries from this time the past few years and crying, crying, crying.... wishing somehow, the optimism and happiness I had this night 3 years ago would come back into my life now.
I was the last one to text, 2 months ago. And a month before that. No response. I sent him a message on facebook tonight… very late. too late. but I had to build up that courage somehow before I did it. I didn’t check to see if he read it, but I know he didn’t reply. I’m afraid he never will this time.
And maybe it’s over for him but it will never truly be over for me. He has my heart, and I know now it will never come back to me. Ever.
So what the fuck do I do with that?
(edit: Nevermind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to be told to move on… don’t you think I’ve been hearing that for 16 years?)
August 31. 2015
He makes me feel like a teenager.
Do I want him to love me now?
I think I do. I really think I do. But I am scared, so scared.
Yes, I want him to love me now. For who I am now. I want him to want it, without me asking for it.
Last updated September 18, 2019