Man. Yesterday was not super easy. I just wanted bread all goddamn day.
It was maybe psychological, cos I finally decided to kick down my calorie count to actually LOSE weight instead of maintain, which puts me at like, 1350. And that just DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ENOUGH, Y’ALL. My butter coffee is 250 calories, so before I’ve even eaten anything substantial, I’ve knocked out like 20% of my intake for the day.
Plus Pacey got back from Iceland and gave everyone chocolate. It’s milk chocolate too, which. I know adults are supposed to like the dark shit but I DO NOT. I LIKE THE MILK. IT TASTES LIKE SUGAR AND CREAM AND THAT’S ALL I EVER WANT TO CONSUME. SOMETIMES WHEN I’M STONED I JUST PUT SUGAR AND VANILLA IN MILK/HALF AND HALF AND SLOWLY DRINK IT WITH A SPOON. I HAVE THE EATING HABITS OF A TODDLER WHO’S PISSED SHE WAS WEANED OFF THE BOOB. LORD, SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.
Also, I had to look at real food all day to order lunch for everyone and I WAS REALLY CRAVING A GODDAMN SANDWICH.
And of course my salad came with bread and I wanted it and I kept trying to give it away and no one was taking it so it just sat there MOCKING ME AND BEING DELICIOUS. I even got myself whole grain roll because I don’t like whole grain. STILL WANTED IT LOL.
Eventually Big Brother ate it tho. THANKS DUDE.
Boss was being… Boss. Ha ha. I made a decision (about where we were getting lunch when I found out the other place was closed, ffs) without consulting her cos she was out of the office, and of course I knew she’d be annoyed. When she got back, she made two comments about me making an “executive decision” (that was the phrase I used in the email) and the second one was clearly intended to make me feel shitty for making a choice for everyone. Or maybe she simply thinks it’s bullshit for me to use the term “executive” when referring to myself, because I’m obviously a much lower rank than that.
Whatever, there was no time to take a fucking vote. I needed to have everyone’s orders in in an hour, and she was gone. So sorry I picked a sandwich place almost identical to the other sandwich place that was closed.
… Anyway. I was annoyed as fuck. So of course I snapped at Big Brother instead of Boss. I apologized, but I still feel like an asshole.
I WAS JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE YESTERDAY. Is this what it’s like to have PMS? I never have, except I’m generally hungrier. But normally when I’m in a bad mood, I have SOME idea of why. Even if I can’t nail it down, I can FEEL that there was a specific incident or thought that triggered it. This time I was just ANNOYED AT THE WORLD FOR NO REASON.
I got home and I was like “you need to chill, dude, you have no reason to feel stressed right now!” And then three seconds later, a cord got tied up in another cord and it knocked over my coffee grinder AND I WAS SUDDENLY SUPER PISSED AGAIN. Hahaha holy shit, it was like being 14. I will forever appreciate my ability to shut down my annoyance.
I didn’t fucking break, though. I DIDN’T BREAK. SALAD FOR LUNCH, SALAD FOR DINNER. SO MUCH FUCKING SALAD. AT LEAST THERE WAS A FUCKTON OF CHEESE ON THEM.
I did drink tho, since Misha and I were hanging and DO I EVER NOT DRINK WHEN HE’S AROUND? Idk, that seems to be a Thing We Do. So I drank the rest of my goddamn calories for the day and went a little over before bed by eating a PICKLED EGG. Nothing like busting through your calorie barrier with something most people find disgusting on all levels!!!!!!
So yeah I was feeling pretty shite about it. Also I just checked and realized I missed a serving of alcohol, so I actually consumed 1537 calories out of the allotted 1384. (Which, it was 1362 before I changed my height from 5‘2” to 5‘3”. (I’m between the two.) Apparently every inch of human only requires 22 calories a day. #SCIENCE.
I also walked 2 miles to get to and from dinner with Misha. But I don’t really know how to count walking. I walk like a madman when I’m alone and am always out of breath when I get places, so I’m PROBABLY burning something, but who fuckin’ knows how much.
My fitbit guesses that I burned 1969 yesterday! I’LL FUCKIN’ TAKE IT, YO. Fitbit counts are high, I think, but I also think I burn more than the average person, as otherwise I would be one million pounds by now.
Anyway. My point is, I had a rough day and I was mad at myself for drinking the calories away (and drinking enough to be kinda hungover today UGH), but then when I woke up and weighed myself, GUESS WHAT.
I HAVE NOT WEIGHED THIS LITTLE IN PROBABLY 5 YEARS.
IT IS LITERALLY INSANE THAT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EAT A BUNCH OF MEAT AND CHEESE FOR 20 DAYS TO LOSE THE WEIGHT I HAVE BEEN HATING MYSELF FOR CARRYING FOR THE LAST 5 GODDAMN YEEEEEARS. (Except for that summer a couple years ago when I couldn’t eat for a week. I lost most of it then, lol. BUT EVEN THEN I don’t think I dropped this low?!?!)
It’s nuts, man.
Plus, 1380 calories is probably plenty if I don’t drink 400 of them, LOL.
I tried on my aspirational jeans. THEY FIT. THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE TO SIT DOWN IN BUT THEY FUCKING FIT. I COULD NOT PULL THEM UP PAST MY THIGHS THREE WEEKS AGO. THIS IS INSANITY. WHAT IS MY LIFE, EVEN.
I still have a tiny amount of belly fat I want gone. I will never have a thigh gap and I don’t give a shit, lol. But like… then I’m done? I’m just… done. With weight loss. Holy shit.
OH ALSO. YESTERDAY MISHA WAS WATCHING ME WALK AROUND NAKED AND ASKED IF I’VE LOST WEIGHT (while clarifying he doesn’t care either way, just noticed it) AND I WAS LIKE YUP. THEN LATER HE WAS LIKE “HOLY SHIT YOU DO HAVE ABS.” He mentioned my abs at some point before and I was like “lol I used to.” I was lying on my back at the time so the fat wasn’t as visible, and apparently he found some abs in there, SOMEHOW.
WELL NOW IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE I HAVE THEM FOR REAL WHILE STANDING. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.
I am very afraid that if I stray from this program even a little, it’ll all come back overnight. But if I slowly start eating more carbs while also doing more cardio, maybe it’ll be okay?
Then my MAIN focus will be regrowing my ass. WISH ME LUCK.
Last updated July 20, 2018