More like speed GRATING, am i right *OKAY IT WAS MY FAULT THIS TIME in Public

Revised: 07/11/2018 1:22 p.m.

  • July 11, 2018, 11:53 a.m.
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  • Public

I have to go to a fucking SPEED DATING event tonight.

It is taking place at a FUCKING BREWERY THAT ONLY SERVES BEER SO I CAN’T EVEN DRINK.

Gundam and I decided to do this months ago. Gundam, AKA the guy who said he signed me up for a storytelling event, all my friends bought tickets, and then I found out on the day of that he didn’t.

Also the guy who is upwards of a half hour late to literally everything, even though he’s always the one who picks the time.

He also crawls up my ass about hanging out with him basically 100% of the time, but has actually been leaving me alone the last couple of weeks which has been a GODSEND.

He’s an incredibly nice person, but incredibly unreliable and also doesn’t even think to apologize for it. He just blames everyone else in the world when things don’t work out.

So I can’t wait to find out what he says when I tell him he signed me up for a speed dating event that I’m not allowed to go to, due to not being in the age bracket.

LOL LOL OL OL OL OO LOL OL OL.

It’s for people 32 - 44.

We were gonna do one a month ago, but I didn’t give him an answer in time for us to get tickets. Then the next one that came around was gonna be for age 29 - 40-something, and I was turning 29 like 3 days AFTER the event.

So when he asked me if july 11 worked for me, I assumed it was THAT event, and because I’m 29 now it’ll work.

But jay kay, it’s an an entirely separate event run by a separate company with separate age brackets and I shouldn’t be able to go.

I mean. I absolutely do not want to go anyway. And I entirely hope they check my ID and then kick me out.

But then he’ll just be like LOL WHAT ANOTHER FUN ADVENTURE, I WON’T GO IN EITHER, LET’S JUST HANG OUT!!!!!!!

And honestly I’m just done with him at this point. I don’t enjoy our time together, we have no common interests, he doesn’t get my humor and every conversation is mildly to moderately awkward. IT IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER MYSTERY WHY HE ALWAYS WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME.

I know the assumption here is always that they’re feigning friendship to get in my pants but I HAVE BEEN SO EXPLICIT ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE WILL NEVER TOUCH ANY BODY PARTS. He has always been 100% platonic and I get NONE of those vibes I get when a dude is… doing that thing. Which. Y’all think you’re subtle but you’re not. Actually Giving A Shit When Someone Talks throws out a VERY different vibe than Memorizing Things You Say So I Seem Nice While Waiting For Your Relationship To End So I Can Start Touching Your Arm Too Much.

So, yeah. Utter fucking mystery why he’s so friend-into me when it’s just… not a good friendship.

I also think I just have to accept that I need all of my friends to be a baseline level of entertaining (or at least interesting), or I will not be able to maintain it. You can be the nicest human being on the planet, but if nothing you say is… good, LOL, then I’m out.

But I work on the same floor as him and we sometimes have to collaborate on scheduling, so there is pretty much nothing I can do to escape the awkwardness if I try to ghost him so I GUESS WE’RE FRIENDS FOR FUCKING EVER.

Ugh I can’t wait to hear his response to my message about not being in the age bracket. But, you now, it’s 10 AM, so he’s probably still asleep. And pretending to work from home. Because he’s just great and not terrible.


EDIT: He says “you probably don’t remember” (accurate as I generally have to get drunk to tolerate his presence) “but I checked with the organizer prior to confirming & forwarded his response to you as extra reassurance.”

WELP.

I just went through my email and didn’t find fuckall, but I don’t think he’s LYING. So yeah this is all me. Lol.

In my defense, he signed us up over a month ago. In a meeting earlier today, I tried to remember what I was wearing without looking down at my outfit, and failed. Sooooo yeah A MONTH IS A LONG TIME.


I told GirlCrush (WHOSE LAST DAY IS FRIDAY AND I’M ALREADY DYING FROM SADNESS) about speed dating and she’s SO pumped for me. “OH MY GOD THAT’S SOOOO EXCITING TELL ME EVERYTHING?!?!?”

There’s just no way a real human is this enthusiastic about speed dating, LOL. I feel like this was a thing for losers even when it was in fashion, and now it’s for DOUBLE losers who don’t know how to sign into an internet and do the online dating, but also don’t know how to talk to people in a normal setting, and never get invited to orgies.

I only have 1 of those 3 markers so WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE.

Ugh. At least it will probably fuel my future standup career.

Speaking of–for those of y’all upset that Hannah Gadsby said some serious stuff at the end of her comedy special, WATCH JAMES ACASTER ON NETFLIX. There is basically nothing serious in it at all and it’s perfect. The dude just popped off with 4 HOURS OF STANDUP ALL AT ONCE and they are all GLORIOUS and strangely tie together? It’s very absurdist at times which is not always my style, but his delivery is IMPECCABLE. His act is SO well-tailored. He has no right to be this good at his age. Fuck how old is he even.

33!!!!! FUCK YOU, JAMES.

I gotta be that good in 4 years or I’m going to just die to death.

He’s old enough to go to this speed dating event, so he’s probably there. BRB buying my wedding dress.


Last updated July 11, 2018


Yours For Now... July 11, 2018

Actually Giving A Shit When Someone Talks throws out a VERY different vibe than Memorizing Things You Say So I Seem Nice While Waiting For Your Relationship To End So I Can Start Touching Your Arm Too Much.
Omg. Yeah. Totes. I never put this into words but I could feel it like whoa.

Jigger July 11, 2018

Don't tell him you noticed the age bracket. Don't say you're not going. Double-confirm that you'll meet him right inside, and then just...don't go.

summertime sadness. July 11, 2018

This sounds.... awful. Why can't you just be like, "Sorry, I have to wash my hair tonight"? Why did that die out in the 50's?!

I HAVE TO WASH MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG TONIGHT SOZ.

One Angry Dwarf summertime sadness. ⋅ July 11, 2018

HE BOUGHT TICKETS A MONTH AGO AND IT'S BEEN ON MY CALENDAR THIS WHOLE TIME AND THE FIRST ATTEMPT FELL THROUGH BECAUSE I TOOK TOO LONG TO TELL HIM MY SCHEDULE

I wish I was dead.

summertime sadness. One Angry Dwarf ⋅ July 11, 2018

BUT THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG NEEDS HIS MEDICATED SHAMPOO IT IS LEGIT SO IMPORTANT.

Firebabe July 11, 2018

I had a friend once who sounds like Gundam, and it took me awhile to figure out that this person basically was unable to be alone. He always had to be doing something, or going somewhere, or talking to someone. The concept of spending a Quiet Night At Home would have put him into an attack of the stress sweats. So even though we had very little in common, and hanging out with him felt hella-awkward, he would STILL rather engage in that activity, than not be doing something, or be trying to do something alone. I wonder if that's Gundam's deal. That for some psychological reason, he feels that MUST have plans all the time, even though he may not necessarily be a huge fan of the plans (hence the always being late, and not checking on crucial details of said plans.)

One Angry Dwarf Firebabe ⋅ July 11, 2018

I have 100% known those people and WEIRDLY I WAS ONE AT 21-22 BECAUSE THE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY WOULD SWALLOW ME WHEN I WENT HOME SO I'D JUST DRINK ALL NIGHT WITH IDIOTS AND HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE.

Aaaaanyhoo, that is NOT his deal, weirdly! He spends a lot of time alone. He stays up till like 4 AM most nights just... being on his own. WHICH MAKES IT EVEN MORE PERPLEXING THAT HE CLINGS TO ME SO HARD. Especially when he's SO easily hurt and offended, and I am a hurtful and offensive person. WHAT GIVES, DUDE. WHAT. GIVES.

Firebabe One Angry Dwarf ⋅ July 11, 2018

Man, here I thought Gundam was just regularly complexing, BUT INSTEAD, HE'S CRAZY WEIRD PERPLEXING. WHAT GIVES DUDE?

girl in recession Firebabe ⋅ July 11, 2018

That's my coworker. She's constantly inviting me to things AFTER work and every weekend, and I have to politely decline every time. She has every second of every day scheduled with a friend/boyfriend or coworker event. I prefer to spend time by myself 99% of the time... and when she asked what I did last weekend I was like "I dont remember, I think i stayed in my house all weekend relaxing!" and she was like "Oh I've done that before..." As if she wanted to sound cool like she's done something before but hasn't really done it...

Firebabe girl in recession ⋅ July 12, 2018

"Oh I've done that before..."

That made me laugh. Like she was equating staying at home doing nothing all weekend to swimming with the dolphins, or zip lining through the Amazon rainforest. LOL

girl in recession Firebabe ⋅ July 12, 2018

YES! 😂

Jigger July 11, 2018

Okay, how about, you meet him outside, he goes in first, and you present your ID at the door, and hiss, "I'm twenty-nine. Throw me out!" and run away. Turn off your phone, and tell Gundam sorry, so sorry, you couldn't get in because of the age bracket, and oh, you forgot you turned your phone off, sorry, you forget things!

rhizome July 11, 2018

who is upset about hannah gadsby? straight white men?!?

girl in recession July 11, 2018

I will be laughing SO HARD when y'all show up to speed dating and they look at your id and are like "sorry you arent in the age range you have to leave" and gundam actually DIDNT EMAIL ANYONE or sign you up for any damn thing just like the story telling experience.

ok so i wont be laughing so hard, i will be pissed for you. I'll be angry. but it does kind of sound like something out of a sit-com.

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