Miss you in First Journal

Miss you, my queen. You are the bane of my life right now because I love you so. Miss me please. I want to at least be missed. You used to send me pictures of yourself and tell me you missed me. It would light a smile on my dower face. So pretty and fair. You were a princess I meant to make a queen. You’re so beautiful. I should delete the photos or figure out how to store them. Seeing them on my phone makes me cry. I would keep them because you gave them to me. You cant take them I away like you took your love away, and I cant get rid of them like I cant get rid of my love for you. You mean so much to me and I’m supposed to pretend like I’m okay. I gave you the link to this journal when we were talking. Now we are not and I wonder if you’ve read any more. It would certainly reinforce a couple things but I hope you know I would do anything for you. Not just to get you back but if you ever needed help with anything. I’m dehydrated. I need water for more tears. I just want to tell you I love you again. I’m here in this fucking apartment alone. It hurts so bad. I dont want to feel this way anymore. Every fucking day. I’m so broken hearted. What happens in a couple months? Or years? Is it dulled or am I better suited to deal with the constant pain? When does it get easier? How can she not want me around any more? We were so happy once. Shes so beautiful. I miss her face being close to mine. I miss looking into her eyes. I miss feeling normal or like things are the way they should be. I’ll admit things weren’t close to perfect but I thought they were worth working on. I thought she was worth trying for. I wish I was worth trying for in her eyes. She did try no doubt, but she gave me up to focus on herself. A good selfish but painful to me. I wish I could focus on me. I just feel terrible and I know why, which leads me to focusing on her, the source of my pain. Here I am being a whining sniveling man writing in a journal about lost love and crying. She told me I was settling for her and I could do better. I was settling for her. I would have “settled down” with her. I could do better but in the way that I could do better in the relationship. I want the opportunity to try. I want this to be on again off again on again if it has to but I would marry you if I got the chance. I would take care of our children for us. I always wanted to be a father. Our 3 kids n dogs that you wanted to start at 24. You’re 23 now. I miss you so much. Please make your way back to me someday. I’m waiting while living my life. The mornings when I wake and nights before I fall asleep are hardest. I am keeping busy best I can. I am moving towards goals the best I can. You’re the ultimate goal. I cant move faster than I’m going and I hope it’s not too slow. I know you have needs I didn’t meet or you say I couldn’t but this emotional torment feels worse than my hesitation to do any of the things you wanted. I could jump right into any role and start swimming if it meant I made us both happy for even a moment. I miss you, babe. You’re the love I’ll always miss. Always. I dont want to forget or get over it. It means too much to me. I love you, I miss you. I’m here, dont forget me.