Love of my in First Journal

I think she was/is the love of my life. I’m a young man, sure, with years in front of me. My thirties even. I say “was” because it looks like I will never get to be with her again but I say “is” because shes the first thought when I wake up still. I wish I could see her. Bring her flowers. Sit with her in silence and watch stupid shit on TV. Make eye contact and laugh without saying a word. It will take a long time to find another love like I felt for her. Mostly because I still do, no one can fill her space because I’ve hung a reserved sign on that chair. I just wish she would reach out to me. My heart still flutters when I see a text from her. She sent one to tell me some news of her family and I just wanted to hug her and be there but she doesn’t need or want me to. I love you still Alexia. My heart is named Alexia. Its is strong and beats independently, but it hurts sometimes. Just like she does. I still think sometimes I should try and groom myself to be better in the ways that she said I should, for myself. Like go to therapy, get that 4 door car for kids in the future, get health insurance, take better care of myself, save for the future. I want to do it because maybe she was right but also because she wouldn’t take back the same person she left. I’m still whining about her in my journal and crying alone. I’m not as strong as her. I need to have that motivation for myself. She does. I need to match her or beat her at her own game. I want to go get an education for something that I can do for the rest of my life. I want to get that car and show up her doorstep and take her for a drive. I want to show her that I made the decision, because I need to, to get some therapy. I want to be doing well without her, but I also want her to see it. Not to rub it in her face but I feel like she thinks I wont do it myself. So far I haven’t, on most of this, but I just started. I’ll be too late. I miss her so much. It feels like my heart just wants to stop moving, like I’m frozen in time at the moment she broke up with me. My brain is trying to push through and function, but emotion is an amorphous heavy blob that if you push to hard you end up inside and consumed, but if you give it momentum in a direction it moves with purpose. I pushed too hard and I’m trying to step out of it. It’s hard to imagine another human, Alexia in the first place or any other hereafter, having such an effect on me. It’s hard to imagine it happening again. Many tell me it will. I mean my father has gone through it. I’ve watched it happen but I can tell he is still hurt from my mother. Alexia is my first great love and it makes me so fucking sad I dont get to move forward in life with her. She is the love of my life. So far. Too far. Miss you, Babe.