One final push. in My life

I woke up depressed today… Again. This feeling won’t go away, and this is my time of year! Summer has always been my prime time. I just don’t know what’s worth fighting for, if anything at all anymore.

The source of my depression is probably a combination of many different things ; my job never giving me enough hours, my mother never defending for herself, my girlfriend constantly asking things out of me (as if I have anything extra right now), I never see my beloved animals and never truly get time to myself either. After all I’ve been through and all I’ve done for others, one would think that I would be rewarded for my actions. Somethings gotta give, once and for all.

I woke up tired, as if I’m a zombie who hasn’t seen the light of day for months or even years. This even happens when I get decent sleep, which is a pretty rare occasion. Nobody seems to even begin to fathom my physical or mental struggles.

Despite all of this apparent negativity, I feel like I have just one push left in me. One strong, whole-hearted, level-headed, heavily meaningful effort that is going to need the very best of me in every way physically, mentally and emotionally. I will once again give my all, plus some extra. I will stretch myself beyond the means that I knew as possible, but there will be one difference this time.... It will be for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for many things, including the good qualities of my mother and girlfriend, my beautiful animals, awesome car and motorcycle, and the one, maybe two good friends that i actually have left here. But my problem is that i don’t know when i will ever get the time to truly enjoy any of these things. It’s like I’ve earned all of these people, animals and things just so they could all love a life without me in them. What is my life without them, yet they know a life without me already, since that is all they’ve ever known. If I’m not working. I’m staring at the wall locked in my own psychological torture chamber which hinders me from having a healthy life. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

Anyways, it’s getting pretty late as I’m sitting in my car at the end of my driveway writing this like a weirdo haha. I will end this rant on the positive note that I have drive left in me somewhere, and I will use that for great things once I find it. Now, what is my first rule of business toward making my life more positive and meaningful? I’ll have to think about it.