Down and Down and Down in Skirting the Edge of Sanity
- June 19, 2018, 11:56 a.m.
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- Public
I wake up every day, and the fears I had keep coming true. The hopes and dreams I had slip further away. How others can feel a sense of superiority like nothing I ever wanted to hear again is beyond me. Destroying others is easy when you can feel nothing. I’m changing it, because yes, killing is the ultimate horror we visit upon others, but look at what we do to each other, to our most vulnerable, our own species, our own survival, besides killing each other. We are heinous villains. I hope the video game any survivors make of our “country” are damned good.
I used to dream about being on the cargo trains. I felt a kinship to the vulnerable then. Of course I feel it now.
When I said the gate of hell was opening, and I cried for days on end, I didn’t want to believe I was right. Why was I right?
When my friend asked me what I saw in the future, this is the world I saw. A slow sinking into destruction of everything we valued and held as secure about the only things we loved in life. Not a massive volcano, not an asteroid, not a full nuclear war, and not the sun exploding early. I saw chaos being thrust on us, and authoritarians using it to lord power over others. The Ben Linuses of the world taking over. 1984 in small doses, until we’ve built up such a tolerance that we can’t even see that’s us, now.
So when I say I don’t want to wake up in this world anymore, I mean it.
My personal life is on hold. My career is stagnant.
Love and pain are both absent. Dull nothingness fog here.
And I try to hold on to the things I have to look forward to, but they are months away. I still have to get through 3 godforsaken weeks of this numb routine before I can say I feel alive, again. Then it will still be 3 months until music fills up the hole.
In “Heaven Sent” The Doctor says that the day someone dies isn’t as hard as all the days that follow that the person stays dead. That’s the hard part. The same goes with relationships and dreams that die. You have something to do when they first die, but it’s all the days that follow and they stay dead that really eat away at you.
How do I do this putting one foot in front of another, cleaning and working for a world that is sucking all of my hope dry?
Asenath Waite ⋅ June 19, 2018
This is not a world for an altruist. I cope by focusing on my own life. The twenty to forty years I have remaining, and I avoid almost all "news".
The news is nothing but depressing horror stories, that you can generally do absolutely nothing about. Better to focus on what you can do something about.