Little Realization in Day to Day

The lie that humans have roles in life to play is the one I held onto the longest. My failure to achieve some grand destiny I should have has made me depressed too often. I know this is a lie now, because I spent a couple years watching people who achieved their goals and make something of their dreams hate themselves, anyway. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t spend time and energy on trying to help others. Most people don’t want to be helped until it’s nearly too late, but our systems all concentrate on trying to help people who don’t want to be helped. I’d have burnt out early, as a social worker. I live in a special housing place. There are a few of us who have moved on to not needing the social help (I just need to find a damned place that doesn’t look at my credit score, which my ex ruined) and the people who run it have all burnt out in a matter of a few years. The first one quit and went on to a different position. The second has changed a lot since she was first hired. The fire she had at first has been doused. The others are all older and staying in the background, because they’ve moved on to the plateau of “well, I’m stuck doing this now” part of life.

I can see why the doc I had opened a private (expensive) practice. He only has to worry about people who are seeking help for themselves. Not people sent to him by a court order.

There are writers I read who go through it, too. Like my mom, they are all disillusioned, at some point. Maybe others would be happier and more eager to be around me if I had become a conventional writer. I probably wouldn’t have liked it. Writing remains my own private love. No one can take it away from me.

I feel like I’ve come into myself, finally. I’m comfortable in my own skin again. I feel okay about not being something “more” whatever that is. (Well, besides a lie.) I get angry when people think the way I get money so I can have food and shelter and entertainment means I’m someone they can trample under foot. No matter what happens, I will never be as miserable as that customer yesterday morning. She can’t take that from me.

I had some intention when I started writing this. It’s gone now. So I’ll stop here.