Going Back to the Start in Skirting the Edge of Sanity

Why do I do this to myself?

I forget, and it makes things easy while there’s nothing going on. It makes it so I can live with myself. It makes me think maybe I have a future. But really, all there is is me here, trying to stay alive. Watching as everything I wanted falls away.

I was getting so close to accepting this is it for me. I was so damned close to believing I could make the small things matter. Because that’s all that I have. The little things. Food. Music to listen to. Shows to watch. Hikes to take. Water to swim in. This perfect bed. A job that doesn’t make me want to die, even if it’s frustrating sometimes. And a steady income that I can live with.

You know where I came from. And why I identify with Wolfgang. Maybe my origins weren’t that extreme, but there were things that I understood. And no I wasn’t the product, but my mother’s words tell me she got to go through the same stuff as Wolfgang’s mom. I was a later miscalculation for her. But things were just as stupid. Of course my mom could leave my dad without being tracked down and dragged back.

I don’t think I’d actually drive into a helicopter, probably more Will than Wolfgang in many ways. The psych telling Will about how children of alcoholics tend to want to save everyone and keep the group peaceful. That Al-Anon stuff I remember from a long time ago. The two sides of me often fight. The savior complex vs. the rage.

I have felt really sad about being alone more than I’d like to feel. It wasn’t the majority of time, though. Otherwise I might have done more to alleviate the loneliness. For the most part, I’ve been so happy to be on my own. Mostly I miss friends who used to be my family. Most have moved away or moved on in their lives. I’ve needed to strip down my FB because it reminds me of the closeness we had and is now gone. Everyone has hunkered down in their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins. I dropped them from my life. Or never had them, or they’ve died. So what I’m left with are my kids. Which is fine, but they’re now at the ages they don’t need me, and the 18 year old really doesn’t want me to be close anymore. It’s natural. But it’s not easy sometimes.

I am, however, realizing I am very close to who I used to be, before the nasty parts of my life happened. I didn’t think it would happen. It’s only been a couple months since I began to look for myself. I think I’ve begun to see her in myself, again.

I needed to be alone to do this. To not be anything to anyone else. To be here for me, and me alone.

I needed to remember. And I do now. I am not with a person. I am not doing this for a person. I think that makes my results better for me. No one saved me. I am my own savior. Used that savior complex for me, this time. And I think it worked.

To one, I’m listening.

To another, have a great night. Hope it will be comfortable without being mind-numbing routine.