It ain't easy in First Journal

  • June 13, 2018, 1:31 p.m.
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I really wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Maybe this is a test to see if I’m worthy. So far, its not looking good. I have been too needy and too forward with my feelings. It seems like honesty but its erratic and overbearing and translates as desperate. I still love her and miss her everyday. I’m trying not to text her for days and just be without her for a while. I had an episode of intense grief and lashed out at her and everyone that I came across 2 days ago. I felt like I wanted to die. The sadness felt like my guts were being twirled on a fork like pasta. We had spent a night together as platonic friends, but I’m not capable of that yet and resisting my urges to hold and kiss her was too much for me. She agreed to date again and then took it back after spending time alone on a camping trip. She said she realized she liked being alone. I can’t stand it right now. Im seeking someone to share with, but I know internally that isn’t what I need. I wish I could feel better being alone, something I have put great value in as an introverted person my whole life now feels like I’m falling into a endless well. I need to be with friends and be out of the house, but I just had to frantically find a place to live when we separated and money is tight from moving. Friends are free but the drinking or food or coffee that you bond over is not. I still hope she will realize what we both lost. I’m sure she’s not happy but we could have worked harder for something great. I wanted and still want to. I’ll have to wait for years for it to happen and theres still no guarantee it will. I’m so happy that I got to know such a beautiful mind and body. She is my dream girl. I wish she knew how good she is. I think thats what she’s looking for, self value. I need to look for it too. I knew a lot of what I had to offer, but what I offer is outward bound. Loyalty to a fault, a giving nature, an ear that listens more than a mouth that talks, a partner that values what she brings to the table and unconditional love. I wish that was enough, but maybe I’m not bringing enough to the table. I don’t value myself that much either but in turn it gives me less of an ego. I hate big egos, but theres something to be said for that level of confidence. I feel embarrassed about the material things I don’t have to offer, but I’ve never seen the value in them. I value the person not what they can give me. I hope that I can find someone who feels the same. It makes things harder not having money and a car and whatever, but stripped down to nothing a man that values this over everything is nothing without it. I just need to add those things to my arsenal make my ability to provide even greater. That is what I want, to provide myself with the essentials, my loved one with the world and the respect earned for that. It ain’t easy being a selfless person. I get no respect from the young crowd. I’ll practice being selfish and taking what I need for me. Like this time away from talking to her or seeing her. Thats my first step. It goes against my nature, but its time to test my mettle. Funk the fear.

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