Morning in First Journal

I didn’t have a dream or trouble sleeping last night. Today is my Friday but I have found some work for the weekend to fill my days and refill my pockets. I admit my first thought every day is still that girl with the golden hair. Tonight we dine together, as friends, for her birthday. I fear my eyes will betray me. I know my eyes will betray me. I still have so much love for her and I want to tell and show her every chance I get. I don’t want her to feel oppressed by it though. I will do my best to be casual. I looked at her Instagram which still has my baby picture and pictures I took of her or while we were together. Our collection of our history of happiness. I don’t know why I torture myself and look to the past. It makes us who we are and has spurred my motivation. She will be mine again one day and I will be hers. I wish I could speed up time to see if that’s true but I also don’t want to miss out on life. I can’t wait to see her. I’ve been looking forward to it all week.

I orbit her like the moon. They say over time the moon has gotten further away and will eventually be flung into space. Maybe someday we won’t see each other anymore but the tidal effects will be long felt. I would be cold and dark and she would be an entirely different landscape. What does rock and iron care of a long dark and cold? But the tides and dark night would seem unearthly and cause adaptation and death. The death of one part of her life, my presence, then the adaption to move forward without a light in the dark, her independence.

I’m so brooding it’s gross.

Last updated June 10, 2018