6AM in First Journal

I don’t know exactly what it is about her. Is it because she denied me and my pride can’t take it? Or because I know she deserved better and I want to be better for her and myself? I fear losing her. I’ve already lost her. Why does it hurt so much to love her now? Is it because she doesn’t love me the same? Is it because I think I’m not good enough? I’ll admit sometimes I feel like giving up hope, but I try to imagine if I could make it back into her heart how reinforced our love might be. It, our relationship, should have never been treated like something we, I, could coast on. It is work and I want to work for it first to earn her love and respect. She knows I can show it but now I have to show I can work at it and It’s not on her to make it all work. It’s funny I always hear her saying it shouldn’t be just for her it should be for me when I say things like that. It is for me, my reward is her love and respect and respect for myself. That which I seek with an aching heart. Alas, we both need to work on ourselves, as vague as that is. Sometimes it feels like an excuse to be apart but it is also true. I, as a man who is lacking higher education and a broad skill set, know how to work hard but that doesn’t translate in writing or talk. This area is hard to live in, thus I can’t just take anything and want to be careful before I leap. I am a smart man and i can pick things up by doing them. I love her and I want to leap to learn and become something that will fit her life and fit her better into mine. I’m jealous of anyone that lays eyes on her or that she interacts with because I value that more than anyone. It’s some sick fucking joke that that makes me appear weak or needy and pushes her away. It hurts so bad to not be pursued by the woman I feel so much for. She knows how I feel I just need to step back and be around but not in her face. Sometimes, though, my body thinks about her when my brain isn’t. Then my brain catches up and It feels like starvation of the spirit. Does that mean my spirit is weak? It needs some other presence to feel whole? I just want to be around her powerful energy but I don’t want to drain it. I’m trying to add to it. Add value to her life by being a kind of facilitator of experiences she hasn’t had and craves. These are the experiences i crave and the power I want is to able to provide. By being someone she can lean on and depend on. I have not had that yet, in this life but I am seeking it.

Oh, my heart. It is bursting. She is so beautiful, no one compares in my eyes. Her hair is the color of golden hills when the rains have gone away for the summer season. Her eyes have overlayed flecks of the same gold on a blueish gray background that makes them green. Green, the favored color of my childhood. She turns away and as light shows through the lenses of her eyes, the eyes she uses to view this impossible world, and they reflect the grayness of it. I’m enchanted. Her lips are a perfect painting of my lust for her. The top lip is arched like her back when we made love. It reaches out as if it wants to be kissed and reveals her pearl white teeth. Teeth that I wish would pinch my neck and chest. Her bottom lip lays thick and juicy, as she does when laid out on the bed before me, rolled out like a red carpet inviting me in. Her cheeks and neck give her the look of innocence, but I know well that she is not so. She is devious and makes me want to be the same. She is, as I told her, a work of art. A work of nature. Powerful, yet delicate. I’ve always told her I like being in nature and exploring. I want to explore everything about her, even the paths she has yet to travel. My mind always travels south. Her body is… How do I say it? Perhaps, a tantalizing paradox. It reveals much when she is clothed, but merits much exploration when she is not. I want her to be as confident in her body as I am in my need for it. I have touched it with these dry calloused hands and it has graced me with it’s embrace. I yearn for that more than most things. She is a goddess and I am just a man seeking godhood to match her.

Last updated June 10, 2018