it hurts so bad when he says things like “we shouldn’t talk anymore.” “we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” And he says it a lot these days. I mean, I guess he’s always said it a lot. I just realized that as I was typing this, and hot tears sprung into my eyes. Yeah, he’s always said it a lot. Since we were younger. So you’d think it wouldn’t hurt anymore, right? Well, it does. I’m used to the pain, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I don’t take him very seriously when he says it, because he truly does say it a lot and it’s never stuck. Not once in 15 years. So I guess we both might know it’s a halfhearted sentiment… But it still makes me feel bad. It makes me feel so disposable. It makes me feel like nothing. Like I don’t matter or mean anything. Because how could you just say that you want to stop talking to someone completely, unless you didn’t care if they were in your life? If I said “yeah, okay” then would he just go along with it? Forever? Just like that?
Maybe. Maybe not. He never has before. Even if years went by, it was never forever. And it will never be forever… A part of me knows that. He told me a part of him knows that. But my question is, why would you want to even say goodbye then? Why would this be an option if it wasn’t something you wanted? How could you say it if you didn’t mean it?
Every time I’ve thrown my hands up since I was 17 years old and said FINE, we won’t talk then. Goodbye. and made a committed effort to not send him messages and even dated other people, something would bring us back together. He’d send me a random message. I’d send him a random message. We’d see each other somewhere. No matter what, it NEVER stuck. We always were brought back together.
Last year sometime we were standing outside having a similar conversation to this, and he told me if I was smart I would just walk away. I asked him if he really wanted me to leave, and he said yes. I grabbed my purse and started to walk away, but he stopped me. He told me not to go. He first told me I should make the choice to go. Then he told me to go. Then he asked me to stay. And it’s always been this way, for both of us, on both our sides.
So why does he even want it? Why not just stop fighting it for once? I stopped fighting it the first entry I wrote in this journal, but he never has.
The only other explanation is that he is just trying to let me down. But if you really wanted to get rid of someone that bad, why keep coming back? for over a decade?
I don’t want to stop talking. I don’t want to stop seeing each other. I never wanted that. Even when I initiated it, I never wanted it. I will never agree. I will never consent. It will never be my choice. He is my choice. I’ve stuck by him all of these years and loved him no matter what because he is my choice. Not talking to him, not seeing him, is not an option. And if he forces me into submission, that’s on him, not on me. I will never say it was my choice. I may not have fought the best way, but I fought for him in the best way I knew how at the time and I’m still here.
I wish he’d choose me, sometime. I keep thinking one of these days maybe he will see that there’s a reason things aren’t working out and he keeps finding himself with me. Selfishly. Foolishly. Very foolishly. I wish. But only sometimes, late at night.
I go from wishing he’d decide he never wants to stop seeing me.... to the harsh reality that I’m disposable.
The fucking contradiction makes me sick to my stomach and I know it’s the only thing guaranteed to last forever.
Last updated September 18, 2019