there's nothing to say now. in She and Him.

  • April 24, 2018, 10:35 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

He’s messaged me a few times this past week or so, but they’re always short messages. One word answers. Nothing particularly conversational, even though he’s been the one to initiate… I ask leading questions to try and coax a response. At one point he tells me that his weekend was “a shitshow”, but then apologizes for being stupid and for bothering me, and won’t say more about it, even though I assure him he’s not dumb, and he never bothers me, and try to get him to open up to me. I say I’ll come over if he needs company, I try everything, but his walls are high… and I am short.

I want him to talk to me, I love seeing his name pop up with a message, it’s one of the small joys in my otherwise mundane life sometimes. It lets me know he’s still here. thinking of me. hasn’t ghosted me yet. is still breathing… as far as I’m concerned, any message from him is a good one (as sad as that sounds). Even better when he wants to chat.

I’m not sure what this is. I’m not sure if he wants to chat. I’m not sure what he wants or what’s going on. Many times he leaves me on read, so I’ve gone out of my way to try and change the subject, or send a meme, or send him a song or tell him about an event or piece of news I heard. I message him about the fucking weather. Anything I can to try and get him to talk to me. One night, I was drunk, and I saw that he left my message on read, so I sent him a message demanding him to TALK TO ME, and he did. And we had quite an amusing lighthearted chat, but I can’t always be screaming at him to talk to me.

So why is he even talking to me? Why is he sending the messages if he doesn’t want to talk? What does he want to say that he’s not? Or is he just sending me messages as signs of life, or signs he’s not totally gone from my life? I don’t know… It’s hard not to over analyze when you’re sitting by the phone or computer hoping for a text back.

I have tons of things to say. But I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if he’s going to reply, I don’t know if it’s a good time… I never know anything, so I just don’t say much of anything. I may be sending a storm trooper “miss you” meme, but what I really want to say is that I miss him all the way deep down in my bones. That every second of every day is spent fighting back feeling how much I miss him. That I’m sorry I never say what I want to say and that all I want is to be with him.

… i should say something. anything. But as usual, I just don’t know if it’s the right time. I don’t know if he wants to hear it. I don’t want to be left on read or rejected and I don’t want to bring up the hard stuff so I just say nothing. or talk about the weather.

Now Playing: Sayer by nothing,nowhere.

I can still hear it all
Every word that you said gets embedded in my head
When I’m stuck in this bed like
Hard time focusing
All the things never spoke now choking me
Like who you laying with
Who you dating shit
I been on my own
Waiting by the phone
But you never called, no
No, we never saw eye to eye
There’s no need to clarify

And I just wanna call you
Tell you that I miss you
Wasn’t trying to hurt you
(I was trying to save you)
Now I’m in the motel
Laying in the stairwell
Straight to your voicemail
You know that wasn’t my intention
And I never meant for this to happen
I turned regret into a habit
You know that wasn’t my intention

How could you be fine when I’m barely getting by?
Like every word you said now, was it all a lie?
Just sucks to feel this way when I know you don’t
Why can’t I let go?

There’s nothing to say now…
nothing to say,
nothing to say,
nothing to say now…

Last updated April 24, 2018

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