This month is/was crazy in Days of My Destiny

Here is a list of things that happened in the physical world in March…

• I felt a strong disconnection from my kids and chose to find ways to make that work
• My husband had a few moments of overwhelm and tears himself, regarding the business and being manager etc, and I chose to support him through that
• My youngest daughter’s anxiety began to increase, and I chose to support her through that and communicate/work with her teacher regarding this
• I went to work two days a week and worked with two staff members who really do not get along and the tension is almost tangible
• I had a phonecall with one of my closest friends of 17 years, excited that her birthday is coming up, only to find out she has organised it already with everyone else except me. The phone call got very awkward and I have chosen to distance myself. (It’s been nice, goodbye and good luck.)
• I had uni work and lectures and tests to attend to
• I became overwhelmed with supporting everyone and everything
• My mental health definitely faltered
• I became unable to sleep well (no surprises there)
• I began to eat rubbish, which probably contributed to the inability to sleep well and the stress, and vice versa
• I had a bit of a breakdown on the weekend and husband was unsupportive in the thick of it
• I tried to address his lack of support later on and it turned into a big screamfest between us both. (I really want to record this, actually, because he ended up shouting at me, “I fucked up, SO WHAT?!?!?!” To which I replied, with one of those “yep, I get it now” smiles on my face, “And there it is, right there, that’s the attitude… ‘I fucked up, so what.....’“. I feel like this has been stored somewhere in the background of everything in my private world for future reference. I don’t think he’s the one I can necessarily turn to when I need to make big decisions…)
• I wanted to go for a long drive somewhere by myself but instead had to go and pick up my daughter from her art class. I cried and laughed and cried and laughed in that ten minute drive and quickly had to gather myself in order to walk in and look like someone who’d been crying and had tried to cover it up with her sunnies (which I totally did)
• Things felt shit. REALLY shit. A few hours later, husband apologised and felt really bad for not being there for me and for his bastard response. By now I had realised that really, we are both under so much pressure right now, and we are both overwhelmed, hence why he couldn’t really be there for me (he’s normally pretty good with that stuff).
  (Still, in my own private world, my heart was cut deep. And even though I have forgiven him, my heart is still healing from that....)
• We had a big discussion and I realised… I need to drop a uni subject. So I did. It didn’t immediately feel amazing or relieving or anything.. but I knew it was the right thing to do. A few days later and I am feeling calm with our decision. I emailed the lecturer and my tutorial teacher and they both had really supportive responses

Here are some added stress factors for good measure:
- My laptop was driving me crazier and crazier by the day
- The mountains of washing also have been driving me crazier by the day
- There is one kitchen bench that is constantly full of shit (you guessed it, it drives me crazy)
- We are still in renovation mode, and since this is a very slow work in progress - which I’m fine with - there is nowhere to put anything due to severe lack of storage and space - which I’m not so fine with

And in the undercurrent, I have been trying to work on my personal development, in order to re-create my sense of peace and freedom. I knew at the beginning of the year that this would take work, both in the physical world and in my own world. Phwell!!! It’s March and I’m feeling like the universe has gone, “Oh… you want to re-create your sense of freedom and peace? Okay… try this,” and thrown all of this my way. And you know what? That’s fine. That’s okay. I wasn’t okay with it to begin with, but I am now.

Things I have done to combat/work with everything that’s going on…:
- I ditched that Buddhism book, it wasn’t so plain and simple after all
- I enrolled in an online course called “A Year To Clear”, which is a slow-drip course that helps you de-clutter not only your physical world but your emotional/spiritual/mental world too, which is actually the part I need help with. You get 365 short lessons in your email inbox for 365 days. I am doing this, I am up to Day 7 and I have been taking notes and reflecting in a journal. This is helping me SO much already.
- I began reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. It has a lot of the F-word in it, well at least in the beginning it did. And while in my own private world I use it and don’t censor/avoid it, I found it a bit much, especially in a self-help book. But I decided to persist beyond the first chapter and the swearing has definitely decreased. Funnily enough, the concepts Mark talks about are based on Buddhism themselves, lol. These concepts, by the way, aren’t new to me, but I think I’ve needed to be reminded of them and re-taught how to implement them into my world (physical or otherwise). I feel that reading this book in conjunction with the online course is definitely going to be the “HOW” of re-creating freedom and peace in my life.
- I bought a new laptop yesterday (as per previous entry) and it has really helped things in the day-to-day business of things, because it will just be SO much easier (ie normal) to use it in running the business and studying, hello

So while it’s been a shitty month, I feel like it’s going to end on a positive note. I’m definitely feeling a lot more hopeful now. I had to address the short-term big things in order to focus on the longer-term, deeper things of Life.

Last updated March 20, 2018