Rearview Mirror in Life

Was searching for a document on my computer and came across videos/pictures of my ex. Didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did. It’s been two years. We dated for 5. Friends for 10. We talked about marriage and kids. We lived together even. One day he decided he was going to move to Nashville to pursue the idea of being a professional bass player. And no, I wasn’t invited to come along. My heart was broken. I was devastated.

It took me a long time and some counseling to realize how emotionally abusive the relationship was. It doesn’t erase the good times. My heart still pangs sometimes, even though I can now honestly say it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me. It’s stupid to miss him. It’s stupid to wonder if he ever thinks about me, as I cut off contact completely with him after that. I just couldn’t do it.

I still live in the same town as his family. He doesn’t. I panic sometimes thinking I’ll run into them. I never got to tell them goodbye. I liked them a lot. I’m not sure what he said to them about me when he decided to end things.

I didn’t yell. I didn’t scream. I cried. And then I packed my shit and was out within a week. No desire to be where I’m not wanted.

Dating since then has been a disaster, and sometimes I really just miss the friendship aspect of it all. Someone to ask how your day was. Someone to talk about your hopes and dreams with.

I have never thought I needed a significant other to be happy or fulfilled. It just doesn’t seem to stop me from wishing I had that sometimes. I’m pretty fiercely independent and do on my own just fine. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Sometimes, though, it would be nice if someone wanted to.