I used to embrace every social opportunity there was, not just embrace run bullheaded into. Now more or less I find myself anti-social. A lot of people consider themselves anti-social but I am legit (probably very unhealthily anti-social) and it started slow but became worse with time until it’s gotten to the point that visiting people is a chore I do because “it’s the right thing to do”
Mysteriously it’s not because I hate people, I love people. Genuinely I am one of those people that can go skipping down a street, end up being robbed and make friends with the person who accosted me. Like you see me being led down a back ally gun to my back and an hour later I’m in a Starbucks buying them a coffee while we chat about their children they hardly get to see since the divorce.
The thing is I am just not social anymore. Maybe it’s depression? Just a side I’ve never experienced till now?
I find socializing to be a lot of effort. I care about people, I want them to be well, I want to know what’s going on in their lives but I don’t feel like talking about mine. I don’t feel like answering a hundred questions on the daily that they asked me the day before, that they will ask me tomorrow and all the answers will vary slightly if at all but in general be the same. I don’t care about the weather, or small talk shit unless it’s relevant to something worth chatting about.
If it doesn’t have meaning and it’s talk just so there’s talk I don’t have time for it. Like a crotchety old woman, I have no patience for things without worth and conversation is no exception. I also don’t want to do things just to be part of a group anymore. Used to I was the girl that was up for anything, sure I had suggestions but yours were equally acceptable. Want to drive out to the middle of the desert and hike our way back? Want to go watch the same movie nineteen times? Want to stay at home and invite a ton of people over, whatever I was down.
Now I don’t want to do shit unless it’s interesting somehow. Unless it provides me with some sort of education, excitement, or needed relaxation/stimulation I just don’t give a fuck, and if other people will be there I certainly don’t want to come over to your house and participate in an all women’s gift exchange while you smoke and drink generously demanding I do the same no matter how many times I tell you I have no interest.
I also can’t stand when people invite me out knowing I’m broke, or when they make elaborate plans and I know they’re broke and will be asking for money the week after. Hell no I don’t want to take a Christmas Cruise paid for by you because you got a recent windfall, pay off your fucking bills and let’s have a festive tea instead.
This year I ended up unable to see family for Thanksgiving, and after I broke down in tears because it was one of my only chances to see my grandparents during the year I realized I was happier eating chicken fingers at home with X and cuddling with dog on the sofa watching South Park. Which is crazy because I love holidays with family so much I celebrate them not even being religious just to do so!
I’ve basically become a grump. That’s where I am going with this lol.
I’ve turned into my grandmother who used to yell at us as kids for making too much noise (which was any noise) because she needed quiet.
Can I fix this ? I wonder… Maybe it is depression.. eh…