I’ve gone back and forth on the nature of my feelings and every time I think you’ve reached me in a way no one ever could…you seem to reach me further still. I want to say it’s nothing. I want to pretend my feelings lie only on the surface in the way that would be appropriate for my situation. For your situation. But, somehow, I want to hang on your every word and you stir something in me that I never thought anyone could reach. That I never wanted anyone to reach. It’s a good thing in ways where it’s lending me strength I never knew I had. It’s a bad thing in ways where it’s making me feel weak in new ways. Ways where I worry myself sick for your future. Ways where I ache with longing in my soul just to hear you say you’re okay.
I can honestly say I never felt the sting of jealousy until you made such a casual remark about someone else. It frightens me. I didn’t know how to respond, so I laughed it off. I played along. But…inside, it took me off guard. I don’t want to feel this way. So stupid. Of course we’re only friends. Of course you don’t feel anything for me beyond normal concern. But clearly…even with all my resisting…all my rationalizing…burying…I’ve developed something more for you. I’m afraid to call it love. I am in such a hectic place in my life that I don’t want to throw the word around. But so many times, I feel like us speaking was just perfect timing. You came into my life just when I needed someone to talk to. When I most needed a friend. Despite our differences, sometimes I feel like you’ve given voice to my thoughts in a way no one else does. I think it and you say it. Though I feel like I want to be your friend and that we could be very good and close friends…I wonder if I’m obligated to back away permanently at this point? Ethically? I guess if I keep it to myself, it can’t harm you. But maybe it will harm me. I don’t want to say good-bye forever. But I don’t want to ruin our friendship with my feelings.