Dear Puzzle Piece, in Triginta Epistulas

  • May 4, 2017, 2:01 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

I’ve been wracking my brain how to write this one—how to approach it in a literary sense, translating my mental voice into words. I decided it would be easiest if I used a gimmick such as using ‘You are…‘ statements to get me going.

You are so resourceful and creative. You can sit down and, in one sitting, write so much without any planning and tell a good story. You can cook without using a recipe, throwing together whatever feels right at the time and coming up with something great. You fixed the pipes under the soda fountain at work with nothing but a pair of scissors and a fucking plastic cup. YOU BACKED A GODDAMN TRUCK DOWN A HILL IN NEUTRAL IN THE MUD AND SQUEEZED IT BETWEEN A MAILBOX AND A FENCE LIKE IT WAS A FUCKING JAPANESE GAMESHOW. You’re fucking amazing!

You are so inspiring. You’re always trying to get me to write and pursue my passions. You actually listen to the never ending chain of fictional backstory and events going on my head. You even tell me ‘I love you’ in Golboren. I’m sorry I haven’t figured it all out yet. I really want to show you that I can do this and that it’ll all make sense in the end. You got me out of my shell about cooking. You made me face the anxiety of inexperience—my fears of being twenty-something and being so far behind other people in worldly skills—and now I love cooking. When I said I was going vegan, you didn’t discourage me. You didn’t tell me ‘it was your decision, but it’s not the right one.’ You said ‘ok’ and started looking at ingredient labels with me. You’re even trying foods you thought you’d hate as I find new ways to prepare them, like tofu.

You are an angry and hilarious sleeper. The number of expletives you throw at me in the morning when it’s nearing time to wake would get you banned from any television network. You sound so adamant and mean, too, but it’s so comical every time. There are not even any words in the sentences that aren’t expletives, besides the occasional ‘you’ such as ‘you cock!’ The other sleep talking is its own story. Recently, it’s all been food related. You wanted pancakes, but we were out of syrup. :(

You are the funniest person I’ve ever met. You’re the absolute champion of all things pun, even when you don’t intend to be. I can let loose and be stupid with you, and you encourage me. We make obnoxious, stupid noises at each other across the house. We make up stupid words and jokes, like “fart carpenter” and “how does a fart carpenter build a house? Blow by blow.” Speaking of farts, you ripped a good one while we were getting out of the shower, turned around, and, with the towel wrapped around your back, gripped the corners and started fanning it into the shower like the mating dance of an ostrich and slammed the door on me. If that’s not soul mate material, I don’t know what is.

You are diverse in your interests. You’re full of interesting factoids. You’re always finding something interesting or funny from reddit and reading off threads to me (which, at first, was very overwhelming for me.) You’re one of only two people (up to the point that I met you) that knew anything about any my kind of music without me having introduced you to the genres or bands myself. You’ve since expanded my genre and artist interests, and we’re discovering awesome artists together (like Unleash the Archers and Snakeskin.)

You are stubborn. You fight me about anything related to the doctor. I honestly have no idea how to talk you into anything if you don’t come to that decision on your own. You were pretty resistant to me in general, too, at first. I like to think I have pushed enough bricks out of the walls you’ve built around yourself that I can crawl through and be close with you now.

You are the best adventure buddy. Our short time together has been full of firsts from the beginning. We’d never been with fellow transmen before and neither of us knew just how to approach that. We’ve explored new places. We tried mochi for the first time together and tried tempeh even though I wasn’t sure how to cook with it. We’ve weathered some nasty storms, usually on the road when it happens. We kissed both under and on top of the St. Louis arch. We made it on a two-hour drive in a truck with bad breaks, surviving google’s sabotage rerouting us onto the interstate and then survived your first traffic circle in a car that was new to you in the middle of that same night. We’re having some exciting times together, and I’m loving it.

You are beautiful. You never let the world see it, and that’s alright. I’ve seen it. I saw it in its form most pure and raw, once, when the cat you had fought so hard to raise from a feral state returned home after nearly a year missing. We were on our way to work. I stepped outside first, saw him in the sunlight at eye level on the porch shelf, just looking at me, and he squawked that funny little sound he makes. My first reaction was to be filled with joy. I said ‘OH!...... HI!!!!!’ and couldn’t wait to pet him. I was almost shaking with excitement. You, though, as soon as you saw him, couldn’t even speak because you were crying so hard. You couldn’t talk for a solid minute or more, just petting him. Time felt like it stood still and I felt so in love with you in that moment, seeing how much you cared for that cat and how much it meant that he suddenly returned. I’m probably supposed to keep that story a secret… but it makes my heart swell.

You are showing me it’s all o.k. I agonize over everything. How I’m so far behind and how I’m running out of time. How I have no idea what I’m doing and how it seems like no one else does either. I’ve lost my mind since the calamity of year two, when the cars fell to irreparable pieces, the house tried to commit seppuku, and the doctor canceled my medications when I had no way to get there to renew them. You’re not supposed to stop nerve medication abruptly, and it sent me into the darkest hell I’ve had to mentally endure since my borderline homicidal/suicidal teen years. You pulled me through it. Now, I’m volatile and panicked and confused, but you keep me grounded and you keep pulling me through situations when I start unleashing a mental-emotional shitstorm. You’ve also taught me so much by helping me conquer anxieties.

I knew you were something exceptionally rare and curious the moment I set eyes on you in person. Mom would show me your facebook posts and we’d laugh and laugh, then she got us to add each other and we talked more and more, and it became clear that you and I could meet minds and not be disappointed. Meeting you in person, though, was so curious, intriguing, and magical. I laid eyes on you and felt the commanding presence of kinship there as if I had found the window into my soul. I’d never been so drawn to a person in my life, and I had no idea in what way I was drawn to you, but I had a hunch. I pursued that hunch and I never looked back.

I’m eternally grateful that things have worked out. I realized, when we were alone together in the beginning, that I didn’t feel invisible around you. I had spent so long making damn sure I was as invisible to myself as I was to the world, but when we were talking, I felt like I wasn’t just being tolerated. You made me feel so real. I also found myself genuinely interested in what you had to say. Conversations were usually such a burden, an encounter in which I could feel the seconds ticking away from my life. Not you. It didn’t even cross my mind.

I don’t care that I have to stay at work for hours after my shift when our shifts overlap, so long as I’m there with you. It’s a mundane job with paltry pay that a responsible adult probably shouldn’t stay at for long, but at the same time, I dread the day I have to go to work and not get to walk into the back and hear you laugh and tell me something funny or cool. I just choked up thinking about it.

When you genuinely laugh, it immediately makes my day. I love your laugh so much.

You’re so strong, too. I feel safe around you. I seriously feel like you’d maul a bear at the throat with your teeth if you thought it was threatening me.

I can’t wait for a lifetime of being cussed out in the morning and making stupid noises through the bathroom wall, of being told a hundred cool facts on the daily and yelling WHAT!? across the house at each other. I want to grow together and conquer our worlds together.

I love you so, so much. So much, handsome, you’re going to make a damn fine husband one day.

You are my puzzle piece.

Last updated May 05, 2017

Teflon Superhero May 05, 2017

God damn it, Matt, you aren't supposed to talk about me crying about the cat :P

It got really dusty in here though so I'm going to go like...aim a fart towards my face to blow the dust away or something.

I'm sorry I cuss you out in my sleep...I don't realize I do it. But sometimes I'm not SO mean and just call you a Sushi Farmer with the same hate that I call you a cocksucker shrug

and I'd TOTALLY maul a bear for you! Like...a gummy bear! YEAH!!!!!

Little Metal Weirdo Teflon Superhero ⋅ May 05, 2017

DAMN IT I meant to put sushi farmer in there but I got caught up and forgot... D:

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