Cucumber in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

  • April 19, 2017, 6:41 p.m.
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It was over a year ago. I was auditioning for a play, mostly because the director of the play was a former professor (whom I hated) and asked me to audition specifically for the show. I didn’t get a part in the show (the director pulled me aside privately and told me that, although he was a big fan of my acting [which isn’t a lie, he loved my work], I would outweigh the rest of the cast… he literally said it would be like when Michael Sheen showed up in the Twilight movies and chewed scenery). I didn’t mind because I knew it was only a matter of time before my grandfather passed away (let alone two of them) and I just really enjoyed the audition process, in which I hadn’t participated in many years.

Plus there was this incredibly hot guy in the auditions. I remember we were paired together often (he ended up getting the lead and was the only other person who chewed scenery like I did), and he was so big and muscular that I actually took a video of one of his auditions and sent it to my friend so he could see how fucking sexy this guy was. Toward the end of the audition process, I discovered that this big mountain of a man wasn’t a man at all, he was actually still in high school and just 17. Needless to say, my blue balls were happy that I didn’t get put in the situation of having to spend more time with him.

In the time since, I’d run into him at work once and he seemed to vaguely remember me. My friend had saved the video and would bring it up from time-to-time like the cock-hungry queen he is.

About a month ago, on Grindr, a muscular headless torso sent me a message that said, “I remember you.”

Ahh Grindr, where people think that saying shit like that won’t be creepy because your nipples are visible.

“Ha from where?” was my response.

Seven days later he said, “Sierra” (the name of the college that had done the play)

I said, “Oh yeah? Did we have a class together?”

Three days later he answered, “No, we auditioned for the same show”

In that instant, I thought it was too good to be true. I replied, “Oh cool. Then I probably remember you, although I’m sure you had a head”

Over a month later, he says, “I’m not really gay Just curious Do you remember me?”

I said, “I think I do. What was your name again? It’s been a while”

The next day, he tells me his name and asks for mine. I ask him if I’d seen him at work once and he said, “Yeah! I thought you were pretty cool when you auditioned”

Trying to be cool like a cucumber, I answer “Same”

The next day he asks me if we can continue the conversation on Snapchat. So we do… and thankfully, it’s much more rapid fire than our Grindr. The truth is, all of that time waiting for replies was doing crazy things to my mind. I was trying to remember exactly what he looked like, what his name was… I called the school and got them to e-mail me an image of the play program so I could find his name… I discovered a few things while doing my digging. He’s 18 now. A senior in high school. Has an agent in Los Angeles. Is a big fan of country music.

Our new speed conversation is much more satisfying mainly because I’m not left with huge gaps of time to try to a decipher what the last message meant. Plus, he was much more direct than he was on Grindr. Especially when he told me that he has always thought about me because I apparently got him horny during the auditions. I echoed the sentiment… and then was rewarded with some ahem photos.

Dear God, his ass is one of the finest asses I’ve ever seen. During this whole time, I was cleaning the house, and when he told me that he really wanted me to fuck him (spews Dr. Pepper all over my iPhone), I said that I was cleaning up (dealing with my grandmother put me rather behind on household chores) and that we could grab coffee or something, but we’d have to wait a day for a proper fuck.

This is when he casually told me that he “might not be feeling gay” tomorrow.

Look, I don’t have any judgment about people in their situations or their choices, but his phrasing made me laugh out loud. He said, “I mean, if we’re alone it might work, but I’m always straight in public.”

I simply said, “I’ll get your dick straight”

He said, “Oh fuck, you’re witty, too!” then sent some kind of heartsy-eyed winky face.

Look, I’m not under any illusions that this is going to be anything serious… but honestly, I feel like this is like God giving me a reward for surviving the last month. When I woke up this morning, he sent me a picture of his ass he took in the school locker room while he was getting ready for PE… boy, high school sure is different than it used to be!

I don’t know what’s going to happen, if anything, but frankly, some good old-fashioned validation is certainly welcome.

KissOfLife! April 20, 2017

OH. My. God.
Also, F you j/k :P
'I may not be feeling gay tomorrow' is classic LOL. You and straight boys, just wow.
This is amazing. Also, what is 'chewing scenery'?
Enjoy your reward!

~Octopussy~ KissOfLife! ⋅ April 20, 2017

"Chewing the scenery" usually means a flamboyant actor or performance that is over-the-top. It isn't necessarily bad (Bette Davis is known for it) but sometimes it results in off-kilter performances when not managed properly (think Mommie Dearest)

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