Oops, Ranted in Vault of Personality

  • Oct. 21, 2016, 1:45 a.m.
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  • Public

Rundown: There is this character on this game that I have been playing a lot of late, and he’s been on and off my mind. It is called Stardew Valley and I highly recommend it if you haven’t heard of it (or if you were a fan of the harvest moon games.)

Anyway, a resident of the town your character moves to is named Shane. He hates you. Right off, he grumbles things like ‘why are you talking to me, leave me alone.’ Even after you befriend him, he is extremely hesitant, replacing his direct hostility with self depreciating things like ‘I really don’t know why you bother talking to me.’

It is sad, and being annoyed by him is justifiable. If you follow his routine, though, you discover that, on most days of the week, he has the exact same schedule. He wakes up, he goes to work at the soul-sucking Jojamart store (the neighborhood Walmart, if you will), he gets off and goes straight to the bar, drinks until the bar closes or is about to close, then goes home. On weekends, when he’s off, you can find him at the house he is staying at (I think it’s his aunt’s place) doing nothing, save heating a pizza in the microwave around midday. What a miserable life. Right?

Why the hell did I like him so much? Enough to max out his disposition? Apparently, he struck a lot of players that way, because he was one of the most requested characters to add as a weddable bachelor. I have remade a save file to play back through and see the new cut scenes they added for his character.

In doing so, I realized… Damn, I am kind of that character. But alagorically, let me explain.

He goes to work at a meaningless job, spends the day hating it, then immediately goes to the bar to sate his alcoholism and goes home and crashes. In one cut scene, he offers you a drink, alone at a dock in the woods, and asks you if you’ve ever felt like you were at the bottom of an abyss, and that no matter how hard you try, you can’t manage to climb out of it.

In the new content, you find him collapsed in a drunken stupor in his room and bring him to, which results in anger and, when asked about his life plans, he makes the comment ‘I won’t be around long enough to worry about plans.’ His goddaughter, overhearing this, runs away bawling.

Next new scene, you find him face down in the woods, this time in a worse state and by a cliff in the rain. He asks you why he shouldn’t just roll right off, that he often comes there to think about it. You have ways of talking him out of it… Remind him of his goddaughter, tell him life will improve, tell him you will be there for him. Regardless, you take him to the hospital and they pump his stomachs and restore him, but make him swear to see a good therapist. He does.

Next time you see him, he isn’t angry. He seems mellowed, but still terribly hollow and sad. Of course, you can pursue dating him, giving his life some, well, life, some reason to wake up in the morning, then marry. I haven’t made it that far yet.

How this relates to me? Well, I am not an alcoholic, nor am I at the point of going to that metaphorical cliff and contemplating ending it all. I have visited that low point years ago and put it mostly behind me (not alcoholism, I drink very carefully.)

No, I work a meaningless restaurant job. It is minimum wage, it is part time, it is not respected and not at all necessary to anything. It isnt even local, it is one of the most well spread franchises. I am acknowledged as one of the hardest workers there, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about the job, only feel better about meeting my standards of work ethic.

Anyway, I feel useless to society and far far under utilized as far as my capabilities are concerned. I am talented with linguistics and philosophy. I am a learning artist, a decent writer. I have passions and a mind that can retain so much information and recite it back. I could do so much more than making cheap food. But cheap food pays my bills.

Due to working late shift constantly, I wake up usually past noon, have like an hour, then head to work. After work, I do not go to a bar–that is not my addiction. I go home, where my computer is. My addiction, my distraction, where I spend all of my time. Computer, Internet. I do the social media round although I post only seldomly and overall hate what I see. I try to teach myself languages or rebuild skills that I’ve forgotten, like mid- to advanced math, or study some old historical method of doing something, like farming or retting (this part is healthy at least.) I play some game to make me feel better about my currently pointless life. (My own doings, separate from the relationship I am in, which I cherish deeply.)

And the whole time, as I’m glued to my computer, huddled in the corner, staying up way too late–I am guilty. I am hating myself internally, to a terrifying degree. I can’t fully experience what I am doing for being frustrated that it isn’t productive enough, even when it is, in fact, productive.

It is my bandage for coping with “life.”

I know better, too, but that only makes me angrier.

“Get a new job.”

Yeah, well, I am 25 and I still do not have a drivers liscence. Having to face it knowing they will probably be wondering what the fuck I’ve been doing with my life stagnates me into non-action. And, recently, we haven’t had our own car because the PoS blew up, and I’m not about to practice that skill in a loaned car.

“Go to college.”

I would love to. Doesn’t seem realistic right now due to money and ignorance of the system. I am working on this, though.

“Get on medicine for depression/anxiety.”

Been there, was doing that until doc canceled my prescription saying I needed an appointment. Now that I live hours away and can’t do that. I haven’t decided whether to reapproach it. I’d rather NOT be tethered to a stupid pill for the rest of my life.

A plethora of other obvious statements and responses.

Anyhow, what made that character better was the player interaction and potentially love affair. I have that in my life. I am engaged and in love, even if I have been beaten to up responsiveness by depression and self loathing. He probably hates me for it. The thought makes sadder and causes me do even less when I should be doing more. He said I am sabotaging myself. Well… Yeah, I can see that. I can’t figure out how to save myself.

Honestly that is what has been keeping me afloat, I am sure. Having him in my life. Maybe without him, I’d hate life enough to revisit that cliff for contemplation. I’d prefer to think I’m stronger than that, but then again, my brain shuts down under social pressure so often and so harshly that the thought of blowing my head off to relieve the tension crosses my mind very frequently.

Or beating my head against something or using my fist to beat blunt force trauma into my head. That is what I picture most.

Anyway, computer is my version of hitting the bar to drown my pain. That’s not good… At least in the past, I did a lot of writing. I can’t right now and I’m losing my mind.


Guess this was more than just a small thought.

-d October 24, 2016

I have really bad social anxiety that at times prevents me from doing stuff I know I need to do.

Something that's really helped me is taking baby steps to achieve my goals instead of worrying so much I can't do it, then beating myself up because I haven't done it, then feeling trapped and like a failure because I'm not where I want to be.

Out of all the stuff on your list, I think the Liscense will help you the most. It will free up time for you to do the other stuff on your list.

If you're worried about the car situation, you have 3 options...

  1. Investigate to see if you are actually covered to drive the car. Like... call the insurance company and be like... hypothetically, if I let someone borrow my car, and their uninsured/ not liscensed roommate drove it and got in an accident would I be covered? And see what they say.

  2. Save for drivers ed classes. It's about 550 for 8 hours of drive time.

  3. Save for and purchase a used car. If you don't have the money, take a small loan out from your bank. I'm talking a car under 1000, that drives. Your loan payments should be reasonable, and you get a car out of it.

And about ppl judging you... people don't get a license for a lot of reasons... many ppl that live in NYC, Boston or DC never get it because it's useless to them.

Some people wait until they are finished with college because they don't need it.

Some people moved from another country.

Regardless, people at the DMV are most likely thinking about how much their job sucks and when they can go home. And they don't really care about how old you are when you apply.

Hope this helps a little.

Little Metal Weirdo -d ⋅ November 06, 2016

Thanks, my logical side tells me the exact same thing about the DMV workers and myriad reasons why a person might get a license later in life, so there's hope, lol.

Honestly, I can't understand bank loans... I've tried, and I probably suck at finding real answers for normal people. I always find options that require collateral, which sparks some serious rage about "how can people get something worth using as collateral if they need collateral to get it?" That rage about 'the broken system' always flares up quickly and consumes my motivation when nobody can give any alternatives.

A license really does seem like the best thing... I'd LOVE to be able to wake up one morning and go 'I feel like buying groceries!' and be able to go out, privately, and do it.

Thank you for the perspectives!!! I can't express the level of gratitude, seriously!!!!

P.S.: I did read this closer to the day it was actually posted, it just took this long to beat down anxiety about replying. x')

-d November 07, 2016

Ok... so crash course bank loans. First...most of the time it significantly helps if you are a good standing (i.e. no overdrafting) member of the bank you are seeking a loan from.

Banks offer a variety of loans...they have car (used and new) loans, personal loans, and secured loans.

So car loan first... if I wanted to buy a car and had very little money to do it, I'd go to the bank to apply for a car loan....

Suppose my car was 5 grand. I'd go to the bank, and the lady would run my credit to see how much I could get a loan for. If my credit is good, she would say... ok, we will loan you the 5,000, and our interest rate is... say... 3 percent. Meaning, you will pay back the 5k, plus 3 percent of that per year. And you can set it up to pay back over a certain number of months (12, 18, 36, 72) depending on what you can afford. The longer the loan, the more interest you pay, but the lower the payments. If you don't pay your loan for a certain period of time... your car serves as collateral....meaning the bank can come and repossess your car.

If your credit is ok, but not fantastic, the bank may say, we will loan you the money, but you need to put down a certain percentage... like maybe 10 percent, so that you are financially invested too.

If your credit sucks, the bank might say, we will lend you the money if you have a co-signer. They may also ask for a co-signer if you have no credit.

-d November 07, 2016

Next, personal loans...

Personal loans are usually small loans around 1000 dollars, and are based primarily on your credit. They may look at your credit history and your income to determine if you make enough to pay it back.

You can get a co-signer for this type of loan too. What you could do with this money, is buy a junk vehicle outright.

-d November 07, 2016

Secured loans

If you have ZERO credit history, or bad credit, this is something you can do safely to build good credit.

Basically, the bank gives you a small amount of money... say like 500 dollars, and they put it in a separate savings account. You pay a certain amount of money (like 20 bucks) to cover the interest rate, and the bank automatically withdraws the loan payment from the account every month. Basically showing creditors you can be trusted to pay your loans.

-d November 07, 2016

So as for your collateral question, you do not already need to have collateral. The item (usually house/car) you are purchasing, serves as the collateral for your loan.

When going for any type of financing or credit, they look at 3 things really...

  1. Your job... how long you've been there...how much you make vs. your bills.

  2. Your credit... have you had any loans before...what was your payment history?

  3. Your debt to income ratio (most important). Can you afford the loan? Basically, if you make 1200 per month, you tell them your rent is 800, and you pay 100 per month on a student loan, they will not give you a loan.

But say you make 1200 per month, have no other loans, don't have any bills in collections... and you live with someone. You can say you pay only 400 for rent, cuz you have a roommate, or you pay 200 and utilities, or some other split. Or you don't pay rent because you do work on the house or whatever. You are far more likely to get approved for the loan because your disposable income went up.

-d November 07, 2016

If you have any other questions about how to do stuff like that, I can help you. I've had to figure a lot of it out myself, and having anxiety about stuff like that is really freaking hard. So I get it, and I'm more than happy to help.

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