4/15/07 in Open diary entries

Acceptance does not mean inaction. We may need to respond, strongly at times. From a peaceful center we can respond instead of react. Unconscious reactions create problems. Considered responses bring peace. With a peaceful heart whatever happens can be met with wisdom. Peace is not weak, it is unshakable.

~Pete “The Turtle” Johnson

the problem is, just because i accept it, doesn’t mean that i like it. it hurts. it makes me angry. it makes me think that i am totally worthless as a human being.

i don’t know what to do about it. i’m stuck. i’ve been stuck for most of my life. it doesn’t matter the company, whether its family or friends, everyone will end up telling me how worthless i am sooner or later.

i like people. i try to make people happy, i want to have friends that like me for me. but that just doesn’t seem possible. i disappoint people. even tho i try to give everyone i meet a chance, they wont give me the same. i turn the other cheek, just to be kicked in the ass.

people walk all over me, and i let them. i feel that i really dont have a choice. its either have someone in my life that treats me that way, or have no one at all. i don’t know if i could deal with the no one at all thing.

but i’ve never given myself the chance to find out.

some days, i feel that the only way to make everyone happy, including myself is to just die. most days i dont feel like i’m worth the space i take up in this world.
most days of my life that is what i have been told, and days like today…
i really believe that.