Merciful in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

The last few weeks have been incredibly difficult as I try to process and put into context all the events that have happened. Nearly all of them are related to the incident in Orlando. The reactions that it has provoked in myself and those around me has brought me to my knees in many respects.

I can’t ignore the prejudices that divide me from those around me, whether those prejudices are my own or belong to others. It keeps the divisions between myself and my family ever growing as they used to be little distances and now appear to be chasms that run as deep as our character.

I was watching a movie that I have seen many times, with which I am very captivated, and I was trying to figure out why. Why does this film stick with me? I am not particularly related to its subject matter, in fact, if I weren’t so anti-puritanical I might actually find it a little offensive. The film I’m talking about is the Australian movie Adore. Most people I know who’ve seen it absolutely hate it. It stars Naomi Watts, Robin Wright (my role model) and Xavier Samuel (my future ex-husband). It’s about two women who are friends and then begin having affairs with each other’s sons.

Once again, I’m watching thinking to myself, what in God’s name is so appealing about this movie? Why am I so captivated by this story? It has absolutely nothing to do with my life whatsoever?

Then I started thinking about the nuts and bolts, the hidden meanings and obscured truths. The reason I love this movie is because I relate to it on a purely psychological level. These people are in forbidden relationships that they have to keep hidden from one another.

I know what that feels like. In fact, I’ve always felt that way. Even now, although I wouldn’t have to hide the fact that I’m in a relationship with someone, I would still feel the need to keep it hidden simply out of practice and because I’m not sure that I feel safe.

There’s another aspect, though, one that’s much more personal. At one point in the movie, Robin Wright decides to end her relationship with Xavier Samuel because he’s young and will probably want someone his own age. It devastates him and he is filled with rage at her for doing this to him. Of the many unresolved feelings I have about Joe’s death, I never really think of rage as one of them. But it’s that rage that has awoken me lately.

When Joe died, we weren’t a couple. We’d broken up at the beginning of the summer because he was moving to New York to pursue his dreams and he told me that I needed to have a relationship that was more normal. He was talking, mostly, about the five year age gap between us, which doesn’t seem like much right now but in your teenage years is quite a significant distance of time traveled.

I let him go, angry, hurt and confused, but oddly confident because I was absolutely sure that we would be together again. I was sure that that wasn’t the end.

He died around five months later and I hated him for separating us before he had to. I hated myself for not fighting to remain tied to him. I just let it happen, I let someone else take the lead on my life. NEVER AGAIN.

Then Orlando happened and I watched everyone excuse away what happened. Throwing around ideas and ignoring that people were in pain. The people in my own life refused to acknowledge the truth about what happened and I became absolutely filled with rage about everything. Nobody was listening, nobody cares....

But this entry isn’t called RAGE…

There’s a point in the movie, after the two young men have gotten married or had children, where Xavier Samuel admits the truth to their new wives. The women are understandably upset and hurt, but he says something that struck a chord in me. He said he was being merciful because he was telling the truth.

So I’m going to be merciful and tell some harsh truths:

First, to all LGBT friends and family, if you think the USA is any safer than it was fifty years ago, you are lying to yourself. We have been accepted so far as we are productive consumers of the American Dream and because we are popular amongst those who sympathize with us, but it is still just as dangerous… The problem is that heterosexuals do not understand how to keep us safe and therefore come up with some really idiotic ways to try to protect us.

Second, confront your religious friends about their feelings toward you as an LGBT person. You need to find out now when you are in crisis which of the people in your life are going to have their hands outstretched toward you in a gesture of true help or who is going to have them clasped together mumbling platitudes like “I’ll pray for you”.

Next, if we are going to start significantly impacting culture so that we have real integration, we as LGBT consumers need to start supporting LGBT creators. This means we need to pull back our obsessions with the Britneys, Chers, Arianas and Madonnas in order support artists that tell our stories. I have no doubt Britney loves the gays because they pay her bills for her, but how many of us can actually relate to a song like Lucky?

Now it’s time for some harsh truths to myself:

After all of the drama and exhaustion, I’m not sure I want to go to Paris anymore. This process has been so protracted and hurtful on so many levels that a very, very large part of me wants to give up and just move back to Los Angeles. I’m starting to wonder if Paris is really worth all of this energy that I have spent.

I need to directly deal with my insecurities about sex instead of going out and constantly trying to prove to myself about my capabilities. I have already known that there are ebbs and flows amongst the sex drive of an individual throughout their lifetime and the stress of the current situation probably isn’t helping me.

Justin, stop being so fucking desperate. Even I know it’s pathetic. People do you love you, somewhere, you just aren’t around any of them right now. I know it’s hard to live a life of near-isolation, but be patient.

Related to that, stop spending all of your fucking money trying to forget how lonely you are. Deal with the loneliness and deal with your finances.

And lastly, stop getting fat. Eat only pasta and chicken like you did in university and your body will tighten right up.

I think that qualifies as merciful.