Spiral in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I’m sorry I haven’t written in quite a long time, but I went a little insane. My other grandfather died just a week and a half after the previous one. Unlike the first one, I was rather close to this one.... close enough to the extent that, even though I greatly disliked him and his death has eased the burdens on nearly everyone in our family, I was shaken to my core.

I’ve had to deal with so much death but this was something that shook some very deep foundations. You see, he was the only member of my family with whom I shared a name. He was also gay. And he was quite miserable because he was single for nearly his whole life. As I began spiraling into the thoughts of what kind of legacy he left for everyone, I realized that I was already careening down the same path of loneliness and anger that made mourning his death not the instantaneous reaction that it might have been had he been less of an… well, asshole.

I went spiraling out, doing drugs like I’ve never done, have sex with absolute carelessness (3/5ths of them were Middle Eastern/Persian, by the way) and generally drinking like crazy.

I was a mess and it wasn’t until I was fucking one of my oldest friends on my couch that I realized, I don’t want to fuck him. Why am I fucking him? Because he said yes, and at some point people are going to stop saying yes! That is the kind of fucked up logic I was operating on. Absolutely nothing going on in my head except making it through the next sixty seconds and finding ways to facilitate that journey through.

So I’m sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ll do my best to catch-up with everyone over the next couple of days and hopefully come up with something else to say. Until then, be good to one another.