Another One Almost Down in Never Say Never
- March 4, 2016, 5:52 a.m.
- |
- Public
Friday morning. Up earlier than I intended but it’s OK because I was in bed later than I intended (still a shockingly early hour for most of you!). I slept poorly, however, with terrible dreams.
The worst of the worst: After dropping a hairdryer in the sink of the bathroom in the home where I spent ages 10-18, my mother in the room, I was electrocuted. In the dream I died. After turning the water on, I put my hand on the lightswitch and electrocution began. At first, my head voice was screaming, “Oh no! Not this! I can’t die now! Mommy! Mommy! I can’t die. I have dogs! Not now! I have to pull my hand off this lightswitch. Try harder! Mommy!” And then, my head voice began to quiet. And then it faded to so so quiet. And I knew that I was dying. Dying. Dead. And it was so OK.
Yesterday I hated work. I went to a meeting for a project I hated and spoke my mind and people were very defensive and like “that is harsh” and obviously I didn’t go about it the right way and I truly hate the people working on the project and it shows big time. I handed it off to new girl and said I would not go back to any meetings. And told my boss to get ready for “feedback” that I am the worst person ever. Fuck them.
I am working from home for a half day today and then taking the afternoon off for one of our “Fun Fridays,” official half days off we get if we work extra during the week. And though I didn’t work extra this week, I worked extra for the last six weeks, so I just moved over some hours.
I also have come up with somewhat of a plan for the next five months, with the goal of working at home and/or just freelancing full-time by the fall.
The last week or 10 days I have ached over S. It’s helpful for me to think back on those last couple of weeks, where there was a HIGH high and a low low, and remember that those things are intolerable to me and indicative of him. It hurts so much to let this go.
I am grateful that yoga teacher training starts tonight. I am grateful for the promise of a very exciting freelance project on the horizon. I am grateful for my steady paycheck and decent health insurance. I am grateful for pretty weather on days off. I am grateful for sweet puppies, good reading, friends who feed my heart, and food that nourishes my body. I am grateful for clean, soft bedding at night; hot, bitter coffee in the morning; and the Internet all damn day.
xxoo
Satine ⋅ March 04, 2016
All damn day - yeah. Excited for your teacher training - hope it is a good distraction and you are with nice people in your class. xx
Manhattan ⋅ March 04, 2016
And all damn night. Yay to yoga teacher training x
Athena Manhattan ⋅ March 04, 2016
WELL HELLO THERE!
Ginger Snap ⋅ March 04, 2016
So. I haven't read your dream interpretation yet, BUT I have dreamt that I've died and I've also killed people in my dreams. These are actually good things in that dying/killing means getting rid of the things you don't need anymore, be they habits, ways of doing things or people who are no longer useful. Look at it as a way of finishing something - a death of sorts, but that means you are truly making room for new life!
Jafael ⋅ March 04, 2016
That is an awful dream! I hate dreams like that!
Love your list of grateful things! You've got great things starting!