Sometimes fatigue is a blessing, when it comes at just the right time when you can use it. When all your worries are out of mind, and you can just lie down and sleep or relax. I can say that I feel physically and emotionally drained in all the right ways.
Enriched and relaxed at the same time. Such natural comfort in that. Long hike in the brutal heat and stifling humidity, and then a long meaningful talk that ended just a few minutes ago with me stroking his back until he fell asleep.
Earlier, we were talking about people’s personal demons and how temptation to give in to them is often all around people. Having to create happy fulfilling lives centering on healthy behavior for ourselves, to prevent ourselves from giving in to the self-destructive behavior that makes us miserable. To me, that’s always been the challenge that’s separated childhood from adulthood, or immaturity from maturity: not letting my insecurities manifest into self-destructive behavior. It’s so important.
And it is hard sometimes. But it’s the key to happiness for myself. I came to the conclusion years ago that happiness is not a trivial state of being, like a lot of people who haven’t given up their self-destructive behavior tend to use as an excuse, or perhaps distortion, to dismiss its importance and validate their insecurity-based cynicism. (It’s really best not to take too much advice from people who don’t know how to be happy.)
Happiness isn’t being some materialistic dumbass who doesn’t care about anyone but himself or herself, an example a lot of people cite as a reason to demean the concept. People who qualify as this often-cited example are rarely happy or healthy individuals. Extreme selfishness is often a mask for the internally tortured and miserable. Being happy in life involves learning to mitigate our insecurities to the point that we are not unhealthy from them, either physically or emotionally. It requires courage. The courage to work through our issues instead of just masking them or feeding them with vices that just lead to more issues, more self-hatred, more destruction and prevention of beautiful things.
I encounter so much in the outside world that tempts my insecurities to lead me to dark places, various manifestations of self-harm, like when I was younger. But I have to continue to remind myself that none of that will do any good, not to myself and not to the people I love, not to the people who love me or the people whose lives I want to make better. I can’t help others with their insecurities if I’m still being led around by my own. Even if just through example. I have to shift my focus, daily, onto more positive leads– excitement, whatever I can find that radiates beauty, love in the world. Even tiny bits of it. Sparks of passion I think I see in an otherwise stale room. These are the things I must grasp onto, nurture, lead, expand and multiply…