The house was filled with smoke and so I just opened all the windows and walked away. Out and away, for the sake of being away. Rainwater that had collected on tree branches and leaves dripped on me sporadically. Little cold speck on my forehead, my arm, the middle of my foot. Each one felt like a reward, because of the heat outside. Cool trails down my skin as they slid down parts of me. I saw a dark corner of a building next to the woods and wondered what it would feel like if I just sat there pretending I was an animal from the forest peering out from the edge of the strange crack into the chaotic order of human civilization. I wondered if my eyes would glow green, maybe amber, as I sat there like a fox or maybe an owl. Considered actually seeing what that was like for a minute, but remembered the possibility of deer ticks and left it strictly to imagination.
I wanted to continue to be away, so I walked down a little path leading nowhere past a lonely red bench and a parking lot almost nobody uses, somewhere my feet haven’t been in a while. At the end of it were two small metal posts joined together by an old rusty chain, a subtle curve about four feet long. Something about that area being cordoned off, and additionally with such rustic charm, always makes me want to cross the chain and run along that back area just for the thrill of it. I always think about it, imagine the sensation, and then turn back around and return to my normal path uphill. The numbers of the buildings on the farthest part of the apartments wistfully bring to mind various years of my adulthood…2001, 2003, 2005, 2007, 2009…I think back to those years and they seem so close to me, so close to now…I have a hard time believing that this much time has passed since each of them…I wonder if I am the same person I was during each of them…I reach a building past this cherry tree that’s been littering fallen seeds and next to a long line of asphalt and notice it’s labelled 2015…and wonder how long it’ll take for our current year to feel so far away, and if I’ll be the same person then that I am now…if I’ve reached the point of being solidified or if I’m still mostly malleable…It’s all subjective, I know. From different perspectives, vantage points, lenses, many opposing realities can all be true at the same time. I think that’s why I love the book Invisible Cities.
I finally return home and the smoke is cleared and I undress while half-heartedly trying to hide from the open side of the bedroom window and draw myself a bath with some cheap re-issued shower gel from a Bath & Body Works semi annual sale a little over a year ago, some lime green gel of a scent called cool citrus basil . I’ve found their shower gel produces just as many bubbles as their bubble bath when jetted into the thick flowing fall of the bathtub faucet and since I have a lot of those, I haven’t seen the need to spend extra money on their bubble baths. After, I lie on the bed on my stomach with my butt exposed, and he walks past and kisses it, presses his erection against my foot so I can feel it, and eats me out, and then because I’m still so exhausted, I tell him to play with himself while watching me play with myself, and I work my fingers in and out all for show until he moans and asks for tissues. Even more exhausted after, I just lie there for a while with my bath towel while he showers and then we have grilled chicken sandwiches on freshly baked grocery store kaiser rolls and corn on the cob.
I’m supposed to be making out my bills right now, but instead I’m just sitting here thinking, with all the papers spread out next to me. About how yellow the moon was tonight, like an eye of some nocturnal predator watching me coolly from afar.
Last updated August 05, 2015