Today has been rough. A year ago I was on the first date with Nick. In a whirlwind romance that moved way too fast I guess. We immediately started spending every other full weekend together, every Sunday night, some week nights. There was no build up. We just jumped right into exclusive. Right into sex. Right into it all. This whole time I thought we’d jumped into a relationship. Then I was watching reels and the algorithm is real. It kept bringing up situationship stuff. I didn’t feel like that’s what it was because we were exclusive.
Looking back. Yeah, I guess in my head we had a full blown relationship. In his head a situationship is probably putting it nicely. Being exclusive didn’t matter. I gave him all the perks of a relationship with no label. Down to meeting his parents. We were never “official” though. He never introduced me as his girlfriend. There was no Facebook status change. He never posted me. Hell, we weren’t even Facebook friends. We just did the relationship thing with no relationship title. Yeah, that was a blow as it clicked.
When I thought of a situationship, I thought of Joe. That’s absolutely what we were and we both knew it. We weren’t exclusive and I always assumed it’s because he wanted to keep his options open. We didn’t hang out 24/7 as we both had jobs, kids, etc. Yet, we did hang out for days on end when we could. But even Joe was and still is my Facebook friend. Joe did all the same thing as Nick. Yet, we were never official. Why did I know Joe was a situationship and thought Nick was a relationship? Why did I let my heart run away when someone wasn’t clear I was the one and failed to give us a label?
It’s simple… Because Nick told me we were exclusive. That one word. Since he only wanted me I thought that was it. I simply let my mind make excuses for him. I believed the only reason things didn’t progress more was because he was being responsible and didn’t want me to meet his kids for 8-12 months. So, I just went with it. It never crossed my mind he’d just call it over days before his deadline of meeting the kids began. I fully believed he was just all in too. I was dumb. Naive. Stupid. I fell for it. I simply believed his words when his actions weren’t matching. I didn’t question things I should have questioned.
Lesson learned. Exclusive does not mean relationship. When they tell you - listen. When they show you - pay attention. Who would have thought I’d still be learning lessons at 42 years old.
So, yeah, I had a few times where I was sad today. Sad it was the year mark. Sad that my heart hurts so badly. Sad I couldn’t text him and reminisce about how great life was a year ago. How happy I was. How happy he acted like. It just sucks. Sucks I didn’t see it for what it was sooner.
I stayed busy for the day though. Lots of work. Then spent far too long doing my hair and makeup. Making myself as perfect as possible. A cute dress with perfectly paired shoes and purse. Then I went on the next date…
This one was the audiologist. He was far cuter in person. With his pictures I really wasn’t sure if I was attractive to him or not. In person - he’s cute. Tall. Obviously a great job and owns his own business. Two teenagers that he raises alone as their mom has passed away. Cute dog. Owns his own house. And lake cabin. And boat.
Yeah, for the most part - he’s like a unicorn. I literally said the same thing about Nick though and he ended up just being a horse with a horn glued on. So, I’m skeptical and just kind of waiting to see what the red flag is. Trying to find something wrong with him.
His teeth aren’t perfect. I reminded myself neither are mine. Plus, he makes enough to correct them if he wants to. He’s really soft spoken but that’s not necessarily a bad thing and I’m sure it’s related to his job. He’s slow at texting me. But again, maybe he’s healthy slow. I’m working on learning patience and going slower anyway.
The date went really well. I just had one beer and a salad. He had a burger and a N.A. beer as he was driving. He asked good questions. Answered questions. Talked about how he was good with where I live because it’s only 90 miles and there’s a lot of good stuff in between us we can meet and do. Paid for the meal and refused to even let me tip. Then finally at the end asked if it’d be okay for us to plan a second date doing something when we have even more time. Of course I said yes.
He has texted me since the got home and mentioned again having a great time and that he’d love to see me again soon. We texted just a little bit and it sounds like Saturday might be an option. He mentioned meeting halfway at a cute touristy town and doing dinner.
That’s probably my only hesitation with him. He wants to do dinner at the fancy place there. He’d suggested it tonight as a date and I declined as it’s too expensive for a first date to me. He mentioned it again during dinner and then in the text. So, obviously he wants to go there. It is one of my all time favorite places to go. However, it’s like a once a year treat to me and I normally just go with Tessa and we split the bill. I feel guilty just thinking of someone else paying that much so I can eat. I keep thinking I’ll over analyze the prices and struggle ordering what I really want due to price. Yeah, my red flag is a guy wants to spend money on me. I’m ridiculous but it’s true. Does he really want to eat there because he enjoys it? Or simply to show off his money to me or buy me?
I guess that’s why I struggle with it. So many people have just “bought” me in life that now I’m scared when money is involved. Something I guess I need to work on. I just can’t believe something doesn’t come with a price.
After dinner we walked out talking and were parked near each other. Good bye after a date is always awkward. Like shake hands? Hug? Wave? Kiss? What are they going to try? Yuck. He tried nothing. Just a nice side hug and we went our own ways. Like I didn’t want to kiss him or anything but then he left me wishing he’d of kissed me. Ha ha. I like the suspense. Or maybe I just like wanting what I don’t have. Who knows.
Hopefully Saturday works. I really am looking forward to seeing him again and getting to know him more. I’m also working really hard on living in the moment and not jumping ahead to planning a “what if” future. It’s hard. I want to envision what might happen and play different scenarios out and how they might feel instead of just living in the moment.
Thus, I’m trying twice as hard. I’m not going to fast forward. Just the moment. We will see where it goes. How it goes. Hopefully, it just goes good.
Definitely a better way to spend the night than wallowing in self pity and just replaying what I was doing a year ago at this moment in my head. I’m going to get better. I really am.
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